A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently told my father-in-law (in a state of despair and hurt and expecting some empathy) about his son's (my husband) cheating on me with different women. Father-in-law's response was that I was not the only woman to have been hurt.Does his response mean that he himself had hurt his wife also by infidelity, or does it imply that my husband had hurt previous women (ex girlfriends) by cheating on them too?I do not know if FIL cheated on his wife (but she did cheat on him), nor do I know if my husband ever cheated on ex girlfriends. Any thoughts or comments or ideas much appreciated.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 What I think he meant was that it happens all the time all over the planet so get over it. Plus he may have been saying that the whole concept of "cheating" is way over-blown. In some definitions, looking at another women is cheating. Other definitions are more specific like actual sex is cheating but porn is not. So, he may have just been very inarticulate in an attempt at compasion. It all depends on his motives at the time. If he's normally a nice and compasionate guy, he may have just been fumbling for the right way of telling you he's on your side. You'll have to be the judge of that. That was my strange attempt at trying to say don't prejudge the old fool.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Did your father-in-law know about the cheating before you went to him for sympathy or were you exposing your husband's bad behavior? What was your motivation for discussing this with him? Was there any reason for you to expect you would even get sympathy from him? What are you going to do about your marriage?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I think he is telling you that you aren't the first women to be cheated on. Seems like cheating isn't a "big deal" in their family. Which I find sad.
I don't think he was talking about previous GF of your husband, but women in general.
I also find his "lack" of empathy scary. If my FIL said something like that when I poured my heart out, I would be hurt.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Since he has himself been a victim of infidelity, he knows what its like to be hurt by a cheating partner. Going by that logic, he should have comforted you, but rather than getting all emotional, he simply put up a strong exterior and said that you are not the only woman to have been hurt (just like he realizes he was not the only man to have been hurt, there are countless others like him). Its his way of saying, cut your losses and move on. There's no point crying and feeling bad, eventually you have to move on with your life. Save the tears for something better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I think he was minimining , in general. Like " Hey no big deal, these things happen ". Either he belongs to the old school of thought that cheating is bad only if done by women, but " all men cheat " - or he was tryng to be nice in his clumsy way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): The father in law's response strongly suggests that he is 'turning a blind eye' to his son's behaviour and/or effectively endorsing it in so doing.Okay, his son (your husband) may be "a grown man" now - although obviously there are doubts about his emotional maturity, due to his behaviour with other women - but it does seem that the father-in-law is using this as something of an excuse to effectively shift the focus of the problem. This is something that parents who have been irresponsible with their child's upbringing tend to do. It is also a way for the parent to effectively say "I can't handle talking about this because I am irresponsible as a parent, so I am just going to shift the context of it all and make it seem like a world-wide common occurrence, so that I can cover up how emotionally immature I am and how emotionally immature and irresponsible I brought up my son to be."C. Grant is right - the family in general seem to have low standards in regard to moral behaviour and from what you say it is not so much whether the father has also been unfaithful but that he can't properly address the issue in any constructive way. Okay, he will probably always defend his son, but some parents would a. bring up their kids with much stronger boundaries and morals in place and b. realise that sometimes to best protect your kids, even when they are adults, you have to help them to confront and deal with a problem if they don't seem able to address it alone - a good parent can do this totally without interfering.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): I find when people give these answers they have probably done it themselves OR find it awkward to answer.
The father in law,regardless of his own feelings on it all, is always going to be loyal to his son and is not the best person to seek comfort from.So, probably found himself torn and gave this 'blanket' answer.
I would seek comfort elsewhere with your best mate or Mum..sorry you've had a rough time.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 My first guess is that your upbringing gave you different expectations from your husband's family. You expected comfort and empathy, and got something quite different. From your parents you had an expectation of fidelity. It rather sounds like his family either doesn't have those expectations, or that experience has made them think that such expectations are unrealistic. Not a good sign, and I'm very sorry you didn't find the comfort you sought.
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