A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why cant I get over my husband's cheating on me and joining internet dating sites during a 5 year period?I have been to marr counselling with him and to my own counselling but this still haunts me almost everyday even though it has been 2 and half years since I found out. I try and read everything about infidelity, about how there is usually something wrong in the relationship to make people cheat. The reasons he gives are that he was unhappy in the marriage, that we had no friends so he joined sites to make friends (only women by the way because he felt it was safer). And he cheated because he was "weak".Are people usually over this after 2 and a half years? He was expecting me to be over it after 3 months and he says he cant live the rest of his life being reminded of his "mistake", and that it was in the past, and that he is over it.He also doesnt think that my self-esteem would be affected by it because he says it wouldnt affect his self-esteem if it happened to him. I told him I was trying to get a job but some days my self-esteem is low and that is because of what he did.Thanks for reading and any replies.
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Hi,
I know exactly how you feel. I've been dealing with the same emotions for 14 months now. As you have search in the Internet about infidelity, the reason why a man cheat, he was honest with you, telling you he cheated on you because he was not happy, he wanted to make friends, and he was weak.
I know the feeling too well. I felt so humiliated, betrayed, disrespected. I was in shock, have anxiety, couldn't think straight. I cried everyday for 14 mos. I felt overwhelmed, and never imagine he could do something like this. I still cannot accept, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of what happened. It's a roller coaster of emotions, one minute you are fine, the next you cannot bare the pain.
He explained the reason why he cheated. He was unhappy, needed a friend, and he was weak. Now that you know why, you need to forgive him. It's has been 2 1/2 years, and it's unfair to both of you to continue to live this way. You need to make a decision. Although he had his affair, he still with you, not the other person. So, I guess he truly loves you, and he's willing to work on your marriage. Now, it's time for you to decide? Do you still love him? Do you want to save your marriage? If so, you need to forgive him.
The affair is in the past. I have to agree with him, it must be painful for him to be reminded of his mistake everyday of his life. Like I said, if you want to be with your husband, you need to forgive him, for your own sanity, then concentrate in the present. Instead of wasting your energy, life dwelling with the past, put your energy to make this marriage happy, strong... You don't deserve to live this way, you don't deserve this pain. But, it's up to you if you want to continue to live this way. You need to be strong, be calm, control your mind. By re-playing the past in your mind continuously you are letting this pain alive inside of you.
Take a day for yourself, go out, cry your heart out, scream, let this anger out of you. Go for a drive, do whatever it takes to let this bad energy out of you. Then, you come home, and start a new life. Be kind to your husband, love him, give him attention, and I am sure you can save your marriage. Do things together, once a week, make it a date night. Take little steps. Just remember, he still with you after all these years, so I am sure he loves you.
Be strong, take care of yourself, eat well, get plenty of rest, because you need the energy. Be positive, be happy, and i am sure you can overcome this, make the marriage stronger, happier, and better than it was before. It's only up to you. You need to make a happy home, so your husband will be happy to come home. Remember, you are not alone...
Best wishes/ good luck
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I don't think I could have said it better then So_Very_Confused.
It was something HE chose to do, knowing that it WOULD hurt you when you found out.
Yes, cheating can happen if a relationship is not working 100 %, but the thing is, the person who CHOOSES to cheat is AWARE that the marriage/relationship is not running uptimal. Instead of taking the time to figure out why and how to fix it, they go of in search of a new relationship, yet they don't let go of their marriage/relationship first. Because well, it's convinient, safe, they still have feelings for their partner, there can be kids, finicial obligations and so forth.
However, he can't put the blame on you. If he felt this overwhealming need or desire he should have stopped and used his brains for a second or two, not just acted.
So my advice is this, you need to forgive yourself first. Obviously you feel you are to blame at least partially for his actions.Thoughts like :" Maybe you weren't the perfect wife, so he cheated. Maybe you weren't good enough...You should have known he was unhappy.." and all the other thoughts that go through your head when you try and rationalize it. Truth is, HE DID IT. HE CHOSE TO DO IT.
Once you accept, that you didn't have a say in the matter. You didn't "make" him cheat, you might be able to forgive yourself and then at some point forgive him.
But when it comes to cheating. Forgiving is possible, forgetting is not.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I don't get why you think you should ever HEAL from the betrayal of your spouse cheating.
There is forgive
there is forget.
I may forgive but I never forget. and that makes it hard to heal and to trust.
my mom forgave my dad an affair 25 years into their marriage and it was not an issue for them again...
I could not forgive or ever trust my last husband again with his emotional infidelity...
and i can see how his behavior could wreck your self-esteem. Sorry he can't be compassionate and see that.
can you go to counseling for yourself?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): yes it's true that many people cheat because they are very unhappy with their marriage and thus feel emotionally detached from their spouse or seeking an escape. But that doesn't mean that it's your fault either. It could be entirely his own doing that he's unhappy with your marriage in the first place and then drove himself to cheat to relieve that unhappiness. it's unfortunate if you ended up married to someone like this, but it does happen. Some people are just not good marriage partners because they don't have effective life-skills and create problems for themselves and their spouses that they can't solve except by ways that cause even more problems. You would do well to not get involved in a relationship or marriage with such a person in future.Many people NEVER manage to fully get over their spouse's cheating. That's just the way the mind works. "He also doesnt think that my self-esteem would be affected by it because "Excuse me, did I read that right?? He's telling you that your self esteem is not to be affected by this or that??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): you can't get over it because it was a traumatic experience and not only that but he's denying the full extent and trying to minimize it of it so healing can't happen. he wants you to get over it so he can feel better about himself, so he can get rid of his guilt. This is invalidating your feelings and the hurt he has caused. No wonder you can't heal.you're allowing him to dictate how you should and shouldn't be feeling. That's not right. It's not up to him how long it should take you to recover, if at all.I think you need to seriously examine why you're still in this marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): You can't get over your husband cheating on you because you know deep down he does not love you as you love him. I don't know how many years you have been married, whether its a few or a couple of decades, but maybe once he did love you. Feeling secure and happy in yourself is something that is very important in any relationship. Letting go of those we love is the hardest thing, but when we look back, can we honestly say did they really love us like we deserved? The answer is often no. We have no control over the other person in wanting to be with someone else, no matter how happy we think the marriage or relationship is, WE HAVE NO CONTROL! It's scary and a risk with anyone with whom you commit to. Some partners think that once they are with someone than they should not be attracted to others of the opposite sex. Well, truth is, partners often are still very attracted to the opposite sex, it's normal, but doesn't mean that they want to go off with that other person. It's good to be honest and have a laugh about it in a relationship, most people think there is something wrong if you fancy someone who is not your spouse. It's different if it goes further than just looking - that is then a definite no no.. However, if you really are secure and happy with who you are, you can't make anyone stay and be with you if they choose not to, and you will never know why they chose someone else other than you unless you get into their head. You know yourself, you did nothing wrong, and may have been the perfect wife in every way, just not to the right person, because it sounds like he is not right for you and you need to let him go and don't feel a failure because of it, it shows strength and courage to realise that we cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to. He is staying with you as he feels obliged to because he is married to you, I doubt if he is honest with himself whether he truly loves you.Take care of yourself, be wise, be strong and be happy, I can't tell you what to do, but I think you know deep down. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Some people never get over it, the majority I would say,the relationhip doesn't recover 100% because the trust is gone.
I have to say his excuses are weak, and the fact he thought you should be over it in 3 months smacks of his arrogance.He seems to think its no big deal. This is probably whats eating away at you,he shows little or no remorse and has only marched out the cliche answers.
If you want to continue fighting for the relationship then keep looking for a job or retrain at college, do things for you that make you feel worthy, because you are.Be pro-active.Find new interests and friends
Or, finish this relationship and start a life alone without the feelings of being the person who caused it all and anyway 'should be over it'- because you are having the reaction most would.The trust has gone.
Good luck x
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