A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do anymore, because my ex and I have a love-hate relationship.I've lost count of how many times she's dumped me and vice versa. Both of she and I work so hard to stay out of each others way so we can move on but then low and behold we always find ourselves back in each others zone. It's getting the better of me because I love her with all of my heart and I know she feels the same way about me, but whenever we unexpectedly come across one another it always ends the same, with both of us slinging shit at one another and because both of us are stubborn as hell and mean as hell when offended we both try to top one another with dishing out the hurt.Another thing with each successive crossing our tolerances are shorter so we're now at a point where we can barely be cordial with one another for 24 hours before the atomic bomb invariably explodes again. I get so furious when she and I fight that it literally feels like every blood vessel in my body is going to burst. We both get downright dirty and nasty. Neither of us has physically assaulted the other, and I'll never lay one finger on her even if she physically assaulted me. I'm very much in love with her, but it's difficult for either of us to be cordial since each time we cross it only ends with us erecting a taller stack of bullshit for us to hoard, stew and brew in resentment for the next time we unexpectedly cross and ignite giving us more bullshit to sling at one another. How do we overcome this when both of us are extremist with our emotions. We have no in between? Either we love each other with explosive passion or we hate each other with explosive passion. The best way I can describe it is imagine if the only two living species on the earth were two tazmanian devils, both of whom thought were the master of the world and so had a right to call all of the shots. That's what she and I dealing with. There's never an in between or a middle meeting ground. How can we come to make us work since it's clear that we're never going to be able to escape each other no matter how hard we try or how far in opposite direction of the equator we go. Something's got to give and it's obviously it's not fate. How do we surrender our mutually destructive struggle to reach our same end, our middle? Is this what is called love, fighting for it until the end? I'm tired, and I've decided to waive my white flag. Does this mean I've stopped fighting?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 The good thing is that you know your weaknesses. You KNOW that you're stubborn. You cant change her, but you can try to change yourself. The next time that you feel your temper rising, and there is a difficult situation, tell yourself that it DOES NOT matter who wins or loses this battle of words. Let her say whatever she wants to, you just try and remain quiet.
Its a very difficult thing to do but trust me, once you control yourself, thats a huge achievement. Great hate is only possible where there is great love. There will eventually be a stage when both of you will realize that there's no point in this meaningless battle....till then, keep in mind, "winning" does not just mean winning an argument. You can "lose" and yet win it all.
Think about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): You must disengage. And don't delude yourself that what you have with this person is love. Love doesn't go off like a violent bomb. You are attracted to one another, and you admire each other, probably. Real love is give and take and compromise, and everyday consistent happiness (in my opinion). Realize that this girl is bad news for you, and avoid her. If she tries to suck you in, don't let her. Commit to breaking up with her for good, and look for real love, someone who suits you better and knows how to push the right buttons with you.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 the good thing is that you do not feel apathy. But instead are still passionate towards each other, even if the passion is far too destructive and hurtful to each other.
Your ego's need to be put on a shelf at the front door.
You are both too combative and adverserial to each other, to the point of rudeness and mean spirited bitterness.
the bad thing is that you have never learnt respectful assertive negotiation skills. You are both fighting far too dirty using destructive nasty tactics.
I checked your age at the top of the question, expecting to see you were both younger, but no. I received a shock to find you were in your 30s
Suggest you both attend anger management course together. And get some couples counselling urgently.
And start working out where you have common ground.
And identifying where you agree.
You do not have to 'WIN at all costs every time'
Nor should feel that you have to always be right about everything.
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A
male
reader, vospie  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 Gosh, I cannot understand how you two are still together. There is obviously chemistry there and you must both get a kind of painful kick out of fighting one another. You'll just have to stick it out until the resultant feelings from one of your spats feels different to what it usually feels. At the moment, it must feel quite a rush when you are making up but one day you'll make up and realise it doesn't feel quite the same and then things will change. I have no idea how you two sort things out though, I must admit. I can't tell one of you to back down though because the need to explode is just too strong in the pair of you for now
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