A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've just had a huge falling out with a close friend who's female, basically we argued because she wanted me to admit my true feelings for her and yeah I do like her, but she has a boyfriend. Now we ain't talking and she doesn't want any contact because she's too upset and thinks now I have abandoned her just like everyone else does as she would say. I do have feelings for her but I feel awful because now i've admitted it, it's clearly affecting her and causing a strain but at the same time I don't want to lose the friendship. Is there anyway we can fixed this? And how long do I leave it before possibly approaching her to talk about it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrhythmandblues2, I hadn't thought of the personality disorder but it would make sense now. I mean when she's not pressuring me and all that and going off like this, she seems a lovely girl underneath full of life and the times she said she's appreciated me being there supporting her. She was off work before Christmas due to a stress problem and being very down. She has said of me i am a gorgeous lovely caring guy with the best smile in the world that makes her melt inside.What I will say is for much of her life she has been bullied mentally by her father, he's never hit her but he's always putting her down. Her birth she also revealed to me was not planned. And now her parents are arguing and going through a divorce.Last thing she said was that she wanted to make a go of things with her boyfriend again, although he's dumped her twice already, so yeah again you are right going out with her would be hellish at the moment. I doubt she can see it herself what she is doing or what she is like but it would make sense that she has a borderline personality disorder. Again in the past I just tried to be her friend so she could open out to me, then it was one night she admitted she loved me. But yeah id feel guilty for abandoning her the way she is but the way things are sooner or later I am not going to be able to take much more of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): I think she needs evaluation....she sounds like someone with a borderline personality disorder. They have relationships with people that are very shallow, they fear abandonment unreasonably so, they have trouble feeling connected to friends, family, lovers when in their abscence and they are prone to rages that are brought on without warning and for seemingly no reason....they strongly fear abandonment. Sometimes people with this disorder were sexually abused as young children, sometimes not, they can just be born with it and by the way it is incurable because it is a personality disorder, but medication can help them control their moods. To be in relationship with someone like this is a hellish experience.....Now that is just a what if she is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrhythmandblues2 your first post said she is a nut job, i'm starting to believe it. Before I gave her the benefit of the doubt and just talked to her when she needed a friend. But now I really don't know what the hell she wants anymore, I respected she just wanted friendship, but yet she kept asking how do you feel about me, so I told her I saw her as a friend and figured that was fine for her but she kept suspecting I was lying, same thing happened today now she thinks i've lost it. I mean I didn't text her yesterday for a while just because I was busy and she was taking that as I was getting rid of her. OH I honestly give up sometimes understanding her, i've tried being her friend because I know she's got problems and the fact she opens up to me a lot but everyday she says something totally different about what she wants, when I back off she gets all upset.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): In fact reread my first post all the way at the bottom of this page, now what do you think about what my first impression was?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): I don't know dude, she sounds really immature.....you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother update, she had another go at me because I won't admit my feelings, I told her I don't fancy her and she's like don't believe you arggggghhhhhh I told her I was giving her space plus I needed to get away for a bit and she took it as I'm getting rid of her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question rhythmandblues2 after everything that's happened all I want is to be friends with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): I agree, you need to back off, she isn't ready really to hear that you want to be more than friends....from the sounds of it, she only wants to be friends with you and no more regardless of the situation with her boyfriend.
You don't know what the reasons would be that she and her boyfriend get back together....blackmail from him does not in my mind make her want to go back, that doesn't make sense at all, I think you are grasping at straws.
You are going to lose out on this girl, this relationship if you don't back off completely and give her some time to calm down and get over her break up....she is not emotionally ready to think about the two of you or even you as a friend.....just leave her alone for awhile, maybe even wait for her to call you first..
You don't want to ocme accross as someone who is giving her another ultimatum, they don't work and she will only resent you for it and you will come off looking like a jerk, when really all you wish she would do is make up her mind, but you can't pressure her into it and now is not the right time. If anything just remain her friend and let time heal all wounds, and then when the time is right for the both of you, tell her how you feel about her, but not now.....just remain friends for now.
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reader, didda123 +, writes (30 January 2009):
 Well lay all your cards on the table tell her you wish to be more than just friends but it has to be when she is completely finished with her boyfriend for good.
She can't have her cake and eat it unless you are prepared to sacrifice a relationship with her just so that you can be friends whilst she still sees her boyfriend.
What you don't want to get into is her being torn between the two of you because i know from experience that that is a sole destroying relationship where there are no winners, i would back right off let her calm down and let her decide what she wants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondidda123, I know it's just all crazy now she has said to me she wants me to figure out if I want to be friends or not I said I wanted to give her space and she said I think you need the space more. I think the only reason she'd go back to him now is out of blackmail from him.
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female
reader, didda123 +, writes (30 January 2009):
I'm so sorry it is all getting a bit hectic at the moment for you.
I would back off a little bit for the time being, give her a little bit space i think it must all be too much for her right now. She has just broken up with her boyfriend so the last thing she will want when her emotions are all upside down is you overdoing things.
Just let things settle down tell her you are giving her a bit space so that she doesn't think you have deserted her and tell her you will be there for her should she need you.
Her boyfriend has ended the relationship and by doing this it could work to his advantage if he does infact want her back. We don't know the reason for the split but if it is because of his jealousies for you she will have to make a decision one way or another so just give it time thats all you can do at this stage.
Keep calm x
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate, it's all going off, yesterday she said she didn't really think she loved me and wanted to give it a chance with her boyfriend, so I came to tell her today pleading her to make her mind up in a nasty way and she cries saying she doesn't deserve anyone and to top it off she then says her boyfriend dumped her today. Now she's in a right state and has said she's not sure whether she can talk to me at the minute.
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female
reader, MartiniBaby  +, writes (26 January 2009):
Yea continue being her friend. It wouldn't be worth giving up friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice, only thing is now what do I do? just keep being that friend to her for now?
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female
reader, MartiniBaby +, writes (24 January 2009):
Oh wow. I knew it! Awwww I feel a happy ending coming soon too!! Hopefully she will get her mind together. She just needs time to think about the decisions that she's making. Just wait and see. I think you two will end up together. =]
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female
reader, didda123 +, writes (24 January 2009):
Well im sure she will come to the right decision in the end her feelings for her boyfriend are cooling and the fact that he is getting on her case about you isn't going to help him. Things are said in the heat of the moment but most are easily forgotten.
Just hang fire you know she has real feelings for you as she has admitted it now i knew she would be in touch. Just give her the space she needs right now.
Your friendship has caused a ruck in their relationship but you have kept everything above board so you should feel no guilt.
I can feel a happy ending coming on!
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (23 January 2009):
 ...yeah, something in my soul told me that she had serious feelings for you and was all twisted up on what to do, so she took out her frustrations on you instead of honestly dealing with them... well, at least you know what's going on...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell there's been an update she got in touch just a little while ago, she said she was upset at something I said I mean I probably did say something in the heat of the moment. So I apologised but she said can't trust you no more and was about to leave then I said so thats it you want to throw away a friendship over a silly arguement. Then she was like you don't get it then she confessed that she loved me so much. She also said her feelings for her boyfriend are not strong but said she is with him because he wouldn't get someone else over me. But she said I could have anyone I wanted and that I get under her skin so much she doesn't know how to take it. She said although it would be unfair on her boyfriend she cannot get me out of her head. Then she basically said she felt vulnerable and had to go calm down, not heard anything since. Strange or what but still gonna stand by the fact she has a boyfriend.
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female
reader, didda123 +, writes (23 January 2009):
Hi thanks for your reply.
It seems to me that this is what is causing her upset he is more than likely giving her alot of grief about her relationship with you. She still values you as a friend and possibly a potential boyfriend and i think her boyfriend has picked up on this he has probably planted the seed in her mind that you have feelings for her though i would think she would pick that up herself.
I'm wondering if they see a lot of each other or are they apart most of the time just with the msn thing, if so this is why he is so insecure.
Give her a couple of days i think that is long enough then give her a call or a text and have a chat. Tell her you stand by what you said earlier but she has a boyfriend and you will respect that and continue to be her friend unless she ends the relationship.
Good luck i'm sure things will be fine one way or another.
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female
reader, MartiniBaby +, writes (23 January 2009):
Well when she starts to get like that, just let her fuss and don't say anything. You two arguing will only cause the both of you to get annoyed with each other and soon will dislike each other's company. It's only a waste that will get you two fired up for nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is more of a reply to didda123, well the situation with her boyfriend is. Over the old MSN Messenger she introduced me to him and I put my feelings aside to you know be friendly with him. What I know is that he is insecure himself and gets very paranoid when she goes near any guy, she was hoping by getting us two talking it might make him feel better but oh no, I mean he acted friendly towards me but unseen he was aruging with her over the phone and she got very angry that she cut him off and didn't talk to him for a couple days. Not just that the other day she was listing all the bad points about him I didn't even push her to do that, she just came out with all that, like he pressures her sometimes and they argue because she's a virgin and not ready yet and all that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell initially when I told her she said it meant a lot to her to be honest but then it was soon after she'd turn and we'd end up arguing.
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female
reader, didda123 +, writes (23 January 2009):
Give it a few days unless she contacts you first this, will give her time to calm down and make sense of the situation. Its funny how the most terrible of arguments even when hurtful things have been said can be forgotten over time.I think she obviously has feelings for you but she is forgetting the fact that she has a boyfriend who may also be a friend of yours and the situation could be awkward.If you both wish to persue a relationship then she will have to decide whether she wishes to end the relationship with her boyfriend first.Women sometimes do the drama thing she is emotional because she knows you like her and just wanted it confirming, she must have feelings for you as well but she is mixed up because she is already in a relationship and this is a dilema for her now.Now it is up to her to make the next move you are doing the honourable thing by keeping your distance whilst she has a boyfriend.Hope it works out x
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (23 January 2009):
This is a bit tough -- if you were her boyfriend, I'd say don't waste time here, go talk to her now... but since you aren't, I'm inclined to suggest that you let her cool down a little... maybe a week? -- that's probably better that you figure out the time. For me, about a week feels about right...
There are clues here that you should probably tune into... she thinks everyone abandons her? ...meaning close friends, past lovers, family? To me, it seems like there's a need to reassure her that you're a friend and you're not going anywhere. If anything, she's now pushing you away while you'd prefer not to be. As far as how to fix this, you two need to have a *calm* conversation about what's going on and why she thinks you're going to fall off the map. Reassurance is the key here.
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female
reader, MartiniBaby +, writes (23 January 2009):
Ok sure she might have a boyfriend but you're her friend, her close friend at that. And you should be able to express to her without any doubt in your mind that she will act differently towards you. You shouldn't leave it alone for too long because that will only make her a wreck and she will soon figure that she just made a fool of herself and she should have never asked. Don't have her feeling like she abandoned for too long that could end up very ugly. Tell her that you really like her but you don't like the fact that you might be disrespecting her boyfriend if you show her how you truely feel. She might have been thinking about giving you a try because her boyfriend acting a donkey and she needs someone that she trusts and she could learn to love and be with. That person could have been you. Matter of fact call her right now...ok I'm joking do it when you feel you should but don't wait too long to decide. Like I said it could get ugly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): There are no hard and fast rules about what to do after a falling out....
By the way, her demanding you tell her that you have feelings for her, and then walking away from you seems ridiculously immature.....and she has a boyfriend so what is she after here? Does she want you to ask her to be your girlfriend so then she can dump her current boyfriend?
If the answer is yes, then she is also incredibly selfish and insecure because she can't be alone by herself without having a boyfriend or being in a relationship. She sounds like a real nutjob.....sorry.
I would evaluate if you even want to be friends with her any longer, if you do, walk up and apologize for upsetting her, but tell her you don't understand what it is she wants from you.....to admit your feelings does not mean you are abandoning her like everyone else.....she needs therapy,.
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