A
female
age
41-50,
*5Purple
writes:Do I stay with my husband or leave him either for my lover, or to be alone?I have been married for 4 and a half years. I stopped wanting my husband and have been having sex with him when he wants it for just over a year of that marriage. He knows i don't want him and it hurts him. We have separated and are living in the same house but in separate rooms.I have been having an affair for 2 and a half months (longer than I've been separated). I get confused as to whether I want to stay with my husband - because he is a good man, I just don't fancy him anymore - Or if I should let him go. He knows I have kissed someone, but says this is not the point, because he has felt tempted to cheat because i don't 'want him'. He thinks it would be better if we split up - because if we got back together he said there would always be something in the back of our minds that it would happen again, or the passion would get lost again (if I got it back).What do I do? It hurts to let him go. I do love him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 If gangrene is present in any parts of the body ,
it must be cut off or it will spread to other parts of the body.
It is better to bear the unbearable pain for once and all than
to live in a living hell where it burns forever.
The power to stop the pain lies in your hand.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Thank you, 15purple, for your kind words ... yes, I know that being a single mother is hard. You pretty much dedicate your whole life to your child. I know because my ex-husband and I divorced when our son was 2, and I pretty much did everything from then on (he's 12 now). And I so didn't want to do it on my own again, but it looks like I might not have the choice. I feel kind of exhausted when I think about it, and sad, but then also I guess having done it once, it's easier the second time.
I also know that it is possible I might stumble across a really GOOD man, who would want me and be a kind and loving part of my children's lives. These things do happen! But thank you.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 May 2008):
 The hope was that outside help could get you to see both sides of the situation. That is the benefit of outside help. If we only believe that our own opinion is correct, we're doomed. There are plenty of professionals in Britain that help people. Try one if you're inclined. If not, you get what you get.
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A
female
reader, 15Purple +, writes (10 May 2008):
15Purple is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn my defense to eddie - people in britain do not turn generally counseling as the first option and I figured if we could not figure it out without outside help, then what hope was there anyway.
You talk sense though, thank you
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (10 May 2008):
It sounds like you gave up long ago and forgot to try and fix it. Cheating before you actually broke up was the icing on the cake. Pain is a result of something bad. You can't suck and blow. There will be pain, it will end. Set the guy free if you are not interested in saving the marriage. I have to say though that you didn't really try.......You considered counseling for five minutes??
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A
female
reader, 15Purple +, writes (10 May 2008):
15Purple is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPeople have been flagging the counseling option, including him initially, and I considered it for five minutes, but the motivation was not there. Which I guess speaks volumes.
I know it is painful for him and it hurts to see him hurt. I guess i'm just holding on to what I know, because as you now know yourself without the man you thought was 'the one' life seems so uncertain.
I send my love to you natasia. There is no love deeper than a mother's. My mum was a single mum for a while and I have the utmost respect and love for her knowing what she did for me and the sacrifices she made. Thank you x
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 May 2008):
I think if you don't want him and HE wants out, you have to let him go. It is so unbelieveably painful to live day to day with someone who once let you in and now has shut you out. I am doing that at the moment, and that's with someone i loved very much, and whose baby i gave birth to just 5 weeks ago. He, for his own reasons, has decided to cut me out - has decided we will only be friends now. It is just the worst emotional (and physical) pain i have ever had in a relationship - by far the worst. So if your husband has the strength to leave him, my God, let him go.
And you will be ok - you have your lover, and you need to be with someone you really want.
Some people will probably say this happens to all couples, just go for counselling - well, that's an option. But it sounds like there's no chance of rekindling things. And if so, perhaps it's over.
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