A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:This is long so please bare with me.When I was younger - I had the biggest crush on one of my sisters male friends. I never thought that I would ever stand a chance because he was older (6 years) but when you are young that's a big age gap.Finally, when I was 18 he showed interest and we were together for 2 years, even talked about marriage, but one thing I had done in the past came back to haunt me - his best friend, knowing that we were getting serious told him that he had slept with me - it was a silly one time mistake and I never thought he would tell him. Well this devastated my b/f and he confronted me, I didn't deny it but he told me that he couldn't ever marry me knowing this. It killed me, but we still kept a very close friendship and went out and continued like it didn't happen.Around my 21st birthday, he said he was so confused and wanted to go to Europe to think things over .. he still cared about me but wanted time to think it thru.He was gone on a very important time and met a young girl in Paris (family friend) .. unknown to me - he fell for her (yes rebound) and I suppose made arrangements for her to come and visit him. When he was away, I went to his house and was looking at his photos, he had bought me stuff from his trip and noticed the girl, I asked who she was and he said - family friend ..He continued our relationship - he never told me that was coming 6 months later - I was in total shock when he rolled up with her to a party.That was it for me, I let it go while he made his wedding plans, we shared mutual friends who would fill me in.6 months into his marriage, he called me at work and wanted to see me, I told him he had a wife now and he didn't need me ... that was it I hung up.I was hurt and knew it was wrong, I still loved him and wanted to move on too - I finaly got married and moved to another country - I saw him when I went back home with my baby and he tried to approach me but I turned around and walked away.Fast forward 20 years - I am now 41 and he's 47 .. I get an email from my cousin and it had his name and email on the forward list.I contemplated for days staring at the email address whether to write or not .. I finally did, he was so excited ... we went back and forth - I even went home during this and met for coffee ...This has been going on for 6 years, nothing major, just emails and jokes back and forth - we are both married and we talk about out lives and families, but he has been always worried that if our significant others found out - it would be terrible for all of us and our children so he became less responsive by the days.Finally, a couple of days ago, I emailed him and asked him what's wrong - he said he was trying to warn me that we could get busted and he doesn't want to ruin my or his marriage and we should go our own ways - even told me not to email him anymore and that he will not respond - he said he has to be "cruel to be kind" and is doing it out of caring and that I am a beautiful soul.I was happy with his friendship - I never stopped loving him and gave him another chance, now this ??What now ??
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reader, eddie  +, writes (10 May 2008):
 "Yes, it was wrong to keep it from our spouses, but we were not doing anything wrong - we shared a past and we enjoyed talking about the old times, both together and with the huge circle of friends we shared."..............What in the world does that mean? Wrong is wrong. If it was wrong to keep it from your spouse then we need to attach an action to that wrongness. The particular action would be the communication with your ex. He obviously felt he was in to deep.
You also mentioned you never stopped loving him. I wouldn't find it very pleasant to know my wife was secretly carrying on with someone she had an intense relationship with and she never stopped loving him. That explains why you kept it a SECRET. If you were honest to your husband, you wouldn't be allowed to carry on.
My wife had a boyfriend in college. I met her while he had taken a semester off school. She left him for me. I imagine he was her first "real" love. She was brought up in a very strict household and not really allowed much dating. Anyway, I eventually met the guy when he came back to school the following semester. He was a really nice guy and I liked him. Fast forward 20 years....If he happened to bump into my wife and they decided they might sit and have a coffee or go for lunch, that would be fine. If our marriage was strong and she told me about it, what could I say? Nothing. But if she met him, went out and kept it from me, it would be wrong. You see, the only reason she would keep it from me is because she knows it would not be well received by me. If there is a dimension of our relationship that needed work, it should be addressed before she went out with him. Secrets indicate weak points in relationships. We try to rationalize them though to fit our needs.
It sounds like he opened his eyes before yo did. He evaluated what he had to lose and decided the ego boost he got from you was not worth it. It's not cruel, it's true. He has a lot more history with his wife than he ever had with you. If you find this particularly bothersome, that he chose his wife, yo need to figure out why you need those areas of your life filled by another man. You see, if this was all really "nothing", yo'd never have written this letter or given it a second thought.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): Thank you for your responses.
It took me 20 years of wondering why he married the girl from Paris. I was sure it was not going to last but it did - in our initial emails he told me he made the biggest mistake of his life and he has to deal with it and was hoping for the opportunity to tell me how sorry he was for hurting me.
We talked for a long time about the past and put closure on it and were both content with just being "friends" .. I told him I'd am happy in my life with my family and he was too - but he kept telling me (for years) that if either spouse would find out - it wouldn't be nice and he doesn't want to take the risk of ruining my family. He just got distant - answering emails randomly - barely answering a question or laughing at a joke that I know was right in tune with his humor.
Yes, it was wrong to keep it from our spouses, but we were not doing anything wrong - we shared a past and we enjoyed talking about the old times, both together and with the huge circle of friends we shared.
Honestly, most emails were about everyday things, children's graduation, trips, parties etc, just like you'd talk to a friend.
I think it's in a nutshell, I will honor his wish and give it up - but I know he's not wanting it from his heart ..
It's like the old cliche' if you set something free .. if it comes back ... etc ..
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (10 May 2008):
 It sounds to me like he feels as he is cheating on his wife by writing to you. Six years is a long time to keep a secret pen pal from his wife and I actually think it was wrong for you both to keep this secret from your spouses if this was just a mutual friendship.
He has asked you to stop communicating with him and since it takes two to stay in touch, you have to abide by his wishes. The clandestined friendship is over. This will be a loss for you but you need to put yourself in your spouses shoes.
I am sure he does care about you but and he did say you have a beautiful soul, so leave him be knowing his last words were heartfelt and sincere. Have a nice life and enjoy the memory.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): ok this is a toughy but you already know the answer.
20 years is a long time either you are happy or not is the grass any greener umm well yes it could be go for it you wont because you know it aint grow up a bit theres people dying hes only using you he told me 41 and still choosy good luck let that nice bloke you are with at the moment breath he might be interested in the the long haul!wake up love smell the coffee hes not silly your long lost friend better lost than long i reckon and apparently hes on the turn stop doing a shirley valentine xx anyway get a life stop lookin 4 attention desperado no1 cares
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