A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So this question is more about the relationship with my parents.I have two amazing parents that love me and I love them, however my dad is an alcoholic. His drinking affects me and my mom quite a bit, as we are always worrying about his health and his safety as he is a very large person and is very accident prone when he becomes drunk. Also, what I hate most is that when he's drunk he becomes someone that neither of us wants to be around. We just hope that'll he'll go to bed and pass out into a deep sleep. He's been drinking for at least half of his life (he's 49), and over time the amounts have increased, and he gets drunk quicker (He gets drunk every single night). The problem is, he chooses drinking over his family. He knows how we feel about it, yet he gets defensive and gives us the cold shoulder if we politely ask him to simply slow down on the drinks. I had to ask him to space out his drinks on Christmas Eve so he would be sober when we opened presents around 9:00pm. He was not too happy about it, but he did stick to it which I greatly appreciated. However, I feel like that's something that shouldn't have to be asked. My dilemma is that my mom is being pushed to the breaking point, and I'm on her side. She doesn't deserve this unhappy life of watching her husband get drunk every night and just sitting in front of the TV day after day. He's even started going out drinking behind her back. He agreed to meet her for lunch one day and afterwards she found a receipt in his pocket from a restaurant he had gone to just an hour before meeting her, where he had two bloody mary's and a full meal. I've witnessed him coming home drunk before, after going out drinking with a friend who is also an alcoholic and I was so so disappointed that he would willingly drive home drunk.I'm about to graduate from college in a few months and asked my mom if she could make it until I graduate (as of now my brother and I are both out of the house so she deals with my dad at home alone), and their 25th anniversary is just a week after my graduation and she said she doesn't think they'll make it to their 25th. She is seriously considering divorce and I completely understand it, I just don't know how to approach it if she does go through with it. I love my dad, but he is pretty set in his ways and I don't see him making any changes in the near future. However, I'm a bit worried that if my mom does divorce him...that he won't be too stable on his own. His drinking might get worse or he may become suicidal which is what happened to his youngest sister. I do believe he drinks as a cover up for depression or things from his past but he's never mentioned it to us, I've just overheard some conversations he's had with his brother when they've both been very drunk.I know about Al-anon and all of those organizations, my question is just what do I do if they do divorce? I don't want want to cut my dad out of my life, but I hate seeing him go down this road, especially when I know he really doesn't want to change. I don't know if it will affect the relationship with my dad's side of the family or not either as we are all pretty close, and his parents and siblings know about his heavy drinking, just not to the full extent that my mom and I do. I want my mom to be happy but I don't necessarily want to see my dad get left in the dust you know? What would you do in this situation?
View related questions:
alcoholic, anniversary, christmas, divorce, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (3 January 2016):
My heart goes out to you. You love your dad. Love is quite a burden sometimes, when you can’t stop some-one going down the path of self-destruct, but you care too much to leave them to the mess that is of their own making and for which they, and they alone, are responsible. You need to understand that it isn’t your responsibility to save your dad. Only he can stop drinking and only he can be the one to change his own mentality. I think, first, that it’s time some of his family knew what you and your mum know about the extent of his drinking. I think it’s time you all sat down and made a plan if your mum is determined to leave (and who can blame her?) I think she has to be honest with his family about her need to leave. I think you all have to work out exactly what you can and can’t do for him, so that you can make practical plans for checking up on him and visiting him. You can’t stop him drinking. You can’t take any blame for what he does. You can’t drag him kicking and screaming in to recovery because, until he wants it himself, he won’t recover. You can, as his daughter, tell him how hard his drinking is on you. You can (and should) confront him with how scared you must be about the future and losing him, because his drinking will kill him. He’s selfish and he should know it. You can all go and visit him. You can all be on the end of a phone for him. You can all learn to see him with no expectations that things will get any better. The saddest thing about loving an addict is that, if they refuse to change, they force you to abandon them to their fate, because you end up having to accept that until and unless they change, whatever will be will be.
There is no easy answer for you. The only answer is not to take this on alone. Support your mum: it’s great that you understand where she’s coming from and back her, because she must share a significant burden too. But when it comes to your dad, he has a network around him that would support him if he would let them. As long as he won’t, you should at least support each other.
I wish you all the very best.
|
