A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a gay female. I've been in an off and on again relationship with my ex for many years. We constantly have blowups and then get back together. It's very unhealthy. Part of the problem is I feel that she constantly punishes me for my feelings. I guess I'm hoping for some insight as to whether you believe that's true or not, or if this is really all my fault.She's from the middle East, where homosexuality is not at all accepted. Her mother knows about me, but has never, ever been okay with me. She excludes me from everything and I'm just flat out unwelcome. Over new years, we had plans to spend it together. However, her mother bought her and her whole family some tickets to this masquerade ball, and invited her ex bf and his whole family along. Of course, I was excluded. She didn't know about this until the very last minute, but it ripped my heart out nonetheless. When is it ever acceptable to put your significant other in a position like that? I got very upset and told her how hurt I was, and apparently my voice raised. Her response was to get angry at me and say that I had no right to be mad at her or take it out on her. That it was her mother who did it without her knowledge, and it wasn't her fault. And then she hung up. I got to see all the lovely fb pics posted of their lovely evening together and that just ripped my heart out even more. It destroyed me. We haven't spoken since she hung up on me.I reached out today and tried to talk and express my feelings, and she ripped me apart, telling me I had no right to be mad at her that day or to raise my voice at her (I don't even think I did, truth be told..), and basically says because of this, she just can't be with me anymore. That she can't handle that kind of treatment. She tore into me. Made me feel like the lowest form of human life for having basic human emotions about something that deeply hurt me.This is what always happens. Something like this, and then she lashes out and tells me she can't be with me anymore because of me and my actions. Then I'm left blaming myself for supposedly raising my voice or whatever it was she felt I did wrong. But I don't feel unjustified. I know its never ideal to raise your voice and I try not to as much as possible. But I'm human after all!! I feel she punishes me for having emotions. What is your take on this whole situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): I know exactly how you feel as I am going through the same thing. It always is your fault and you then feel like crap, you are irrelevant and so are your feelings. It is horrible and harsh but the person you are with appears to be the person I am with. Once I used to take responsibility, now things are different and we are on the verge of breaking up as I have realised I deserve more than coming 2nd best or being spoken too like I meant absolutely nothing. We are right to have feelings and no one should take that away from us or disregard them.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (3 January 2016):
I think that she feels impossibly conflicted. The ideal would be a loving relationship with the acceptance of the family, but it’s not going to happen. Unfortunately she feels too much loyalty to them and not enough to you, to confront this situation. Perhaps she is scared of losing them, or perhaps you just come second and, given a choice, she picks them. I think she is probably in denial about this. She lashes out because it’s easier to blame the girlfriend for making a fuss about New Year plans, than it is to confront the real issue that is her issue: that different parts of her life have to be kept separate and can’t be reconciled. It doesn’t seem to me that either of you really talk about this. You’ve obviously not found a way that you can be happy together without her being able to share her life fully with you. That’s probably why you’re in a cycle of making up and breaking up. Apologising for the latest argument is one thing, but it isn’t addressing the underlying causes of your tension in the first place. What’s more, if this latest incident is typical, it was you who did all the chasing and it was you who communicated to her that you’re prepared to be the one in the wrong. IT would have been better if she could at least have opened up, admitted that the situation was less than ideal and showed some capacity to appreciate why you’re upset and see it from your own point of view. People who are empathetic to each other’s situation can generally find a common ground. I’m afraid she’s simply not emotionally available like that. The charitable explanation is that she’s too torn up with her own conflicts of loyalty and interest; the less favourable view is that she’s too selfish. You’re best-placed to make that judgement. Either way, though, I don’t see that she’s got the right frame of mind for you to be able to fix this together. It has to be both of you. I don’t see it getting any better. Sorry.
I wish you all the very best.
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