A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Feels weird for me to ask others for advice like this but guess I need some perspective, thanks in advance. I am a manager and work with volunteers. I have a dilemma and kind of need someone to bring me back to earth. I have strong feelings for someone at work who is a volunteer, now we became friendly and exchanged numbers as in the past I have been friendly with other volunteers and do not have a problem giving my number out. Now with him I quickly developed feelings for and we have shared a few kisses and met only twice. However after the second time I had to put a stop to it as I was feeling really uneasy being that I am the manager and there are boundaries. So we kept in contact, via text occasionally and three weeks or so after we met, I seen him at work, and still my feelings are there. I admitted to him recently that I do not want to keep a distance as still really like him but know nothing can happen. Anyway, I worked with him today and felt a really strong pull there and I tried to be as professional as I could be in front of him but nearly cracked towards the end of the day as we were working together and I really struggled to contain my feelings. I wondered also whether he felt anything, and wonder if it is all in my head? I did ask if he wanted to meet for a coffee perhaps tomorrow but maybe this was a bad idea. He seemed enthusiastic to meet but did say depends on the day etc, so he has a get out clause. I have no idea how he feels really, I think he does like me (actually I know he does because he did say before) but of course in his position he knows until either a) I know longer work there (I am currently seeking another job - not because of this - been looking a while now!) or b) he leaves ( which really isn't an option at this time). SO whats a girl to do with her feelings? I am old enough to know better and know this is not an infatuation, or is it?! My head is saying one thing but my heart is crying out for another. I just need an outsiders perspective on this please. And if I should meet him tomorrow (don't worry it will be in a public place) what do I say? I am so tempted always to confess my feelings and to tell him of my struggle to contain my feelings - but he knows I like him (also he could be slightly freaked at the strength of my feelings), so I really do not know, I am hoping my feelings may subside, but I am not so sure. I have not felt like this for such a long time, being close to him drives me crazy, I just want to be close to him in all ways!! I got it baaad!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): Thank you wise owl. I needed to hear that. I'm glad someone of your experience has written in as I respect what you say and you are speaking from experience. As I have just written a response I know he really is off limits and you are right. I shall try and focus on other things and not let it get out of hand. I have to be professional and certainly wouldn't want to risk my job. Until I leave, then I must stay focused. And probably by the time I leave perhaps I wouldn't be interested or might meet someone else. Who knows?!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): Hi I am the original poster. Thank you. I shall definitely see what the policy is, but common sense prevails in this situation as I am the manager of the volunteers in that place so I have a duty of care to them and can't be seen to favour one over another etc. I have to in the work place treat them equally nd fairly. Whist they are not employed they are still my responsibility. I have a line manager above me and I know she would dissaprove if she ever found out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2016): If no one is paid on the clock, have a ball! If your position and authority isn't compromised, go for it!
Well, you seem to be a bit lonely. Everyone knows messing around with the people you manage can cause resentment among their co-workers, favoritism, upper-management might not care for the liability of a possible sexual-harassment suit; and there's the awkwardness caused by a sudden breakup and/or a lover's quarrel. In some organizations, funding is lost due to poor or inappropriate/unprofessional conduct among staff. Even blackmail, if someone gets pissed-off. Best to be on equal footing, you have more to lose!
There will certainly be a lot of people who will defend romance on the job. I've supervised in a corporate setting for a long time. Broken workplace-romances frequently get messy. Sometimes people get fired, and good employees quit.
I don't condone it, because people have personal lives off the job to pursue romance. So why fish in a barrel? Only because people are cornered for eight hours, and it seems easier pickings. Not on my watch! Bring it to work, and you make it my business. Off-premises and discreet? No problem! The problem is, people rarely follow sensible guidelines; and take unnecessary risks for the thrill of it all. Not to mention all the gossip-mills and disruption it causes among staff. It's expected of the younger and inexperienced employees, not well-established management. Discretion and respect for authority is a must! Order and control! In order to maintain efficiency, good morale, and productivity. People will take advantage of opportunity, and might expect special treatment or favors! They may take rejection or refusals in a bad way!
People date at work regardless of policy. If nobody is aware, it's all good! Until something goes wrong!
We have policies, and have faced mishaps behind that crap. A scorned lover is dangerous! Workplace Romeos who dibble and dabble; and someone finds out he's played a few other women. Then the woman scorned decides to vengefully sabotage the player's job or work assignment. I'd fire both of them! There's the guy who gets turned down. He gets a bruised ego, and decides he's going down; and taking a hostage with him! Seen it all over my career!
You're in a volunteer's situation, that is most often a charitable organization. I just can't see how you stay focused when you're chasing some guy, and behaving like a distracted love-struck teenager? Yes, you should seek another job! Where you can concentrate on your work and maintain your professionalism! You worked hard to climb the ranks! What if it's only a fling and not what you think it is?
Get a grip, girlfriend! Join a single's activities club, subscribe to a dating site, or professional single's networking organization. They're cropping up everywhere!
Keep your professional-life separate and in proper perspective. You know better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 What are the company's policy for dating/romance? I'd look into that before going on dates and declaring your feelings.
If you aren't really sure what the policy is, ASK HR. You only have to say it's a hypothetical question, no need for names or details.
Then go from there.
Is he married? If so, he should be off limits.
If there is no policy against dating/romance, I'd reign myself in a little GO slow. GET to know him better before you jump ahead with a declaration of love.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 January 2016):
 If he is a volunteer then you are not his boss/employer. There's no reason why you and him can't be together, other than it would be awkward if it shouldn't work out.
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