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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years we have a son together who is 6 months old.Since our son has been born my boyfriend has changed.He goes to work till 4 comes to mine at 6 we don't live together we have tea he goes then I get our son bathed and ready for bed.I also have a 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship I just feel like I'm doing everything on my own and that our relationship is suffering I said to him the other night how we don't do anything or go anywhere all he replied was I work Monday to Friday, which I understand, but on weekends we see him for 2/3 hours a day Then he comes back round to sleep I'm so stressed with it all I've done all the night feeds changed every nappy I've even started weaning him on my own What do I do? I feel so alone in this relationship thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2015): Anyone asking you why you had a child without living with or being married to the father is being extremely judgemental and doesn't help solve your problem.
Seriously , you are living as a single mother anyway so why not end it and let him have custody on weekends leaving you with some freedom . The child can still have a relationship with it's father
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 June 2015):
 And why don't you live together?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 June 2015):
Here's another mother with exactly the same problem: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-like-a-single-parent-how-do.html
Perhaps the advice given there will help you as well!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 June 2015):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cant-talk-to-him-about-how-i.html has advice pertinent to your situation.
I remember some similar posts so there must be some men who don't live with the mother of their children but see them for tea.
I think it's time to decide what works best for you as the mother to your children.
I would plan a weekend away with girlfriends and leave him to parent the children. Get your mother, sister, aunt, brother, father, pastor, next door neighbor, someone to check in and report back to you. And by weekend away, I don't mean you have to drive or train or fly somewhere. All you need to do is go over to a friend's house for a quiet weekend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2015): Hi I'm new here I have never posted on here before a friend recommended it
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2015): As Honeypie says this is your 3rd or 4th post, and you still haven't explained why you had a child with a guy with whom you're not living and who obviously has no interest in being a father. He hasn't changed since your son was born; it would appear you're nothing more than a convenience to him, and now that you're stuck with a kid you're less useful so he has less incentive to spend time with you.Sorry, but no matter how many times you post you're not going to get the answer providing the magical solution you so desperately want to hear. As to what to do, I'd suggest that you think about what a terrible example you're setting for your daughter by having a child with a guy who is unwilling to make a commitment to you, ignores his own son, and takes shameless advantage of you. She's going to grow up thinking this type of behavior is normal and expected, and as an adult she will respond accordingly. Do you really want her to end up as a single mother of multiple out-of-wedlock children by absent and/or useless baby daddies?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2015):
 This is the 3rd or 4th post you have made, have you NOT read the advice on the other 3?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 June 2015):
 You need to talk to each other. Work out some kind of schedule that helps both you, him and your children so that no one is suffering or feeling alone. Empty-1 brought up some very good points. Your man may be feeling just like you! He's doing everything he can, he's tired and feels neglected. Work as a TEAM..not as individuals. You'll both be happier.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 June 2015):
Does his work support you? IF not you're getting the shit end of this stick. If so, then he has a very old fashioned, outdated even model of relational give and take.
I bring this up because a lot of guys see their role as "great provider". Don't go blaming "patriarchal society" or misogyny or any other such nonsense. It's a basic biological imperative. We feel the need to secure and provide the necessities for our mate and offspring.
Many couples end up in seriously troubled waters because they're trying too hard, in opposite directions.
How would you feel if you cam on here and read a post that said:
"Hi everyone I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years we have a son together who is 6 months old.
Since our son has been born my girlfriend has changed.
Not only do I go to work till 4, but then meet her at her work at 6 we don't live together we have tea. Then I have to go figure out dinner on my own, cycle the laundry, and crash because 6:AM comes early if I'm not in bed until late.
She also has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship, so she has no time for anything but the kids. I just feel like I'm doing everything on my own and that our relationship is suffering
She said to me the other night how we don't do anything or go anywhere. All I could think of to reply was I work Monday to Friday.
If she wanted to go out, why doesn't she plan something on the weekend, and let me know. I'd be game to skip some of my errands and weekend chores to go out with her, but have no time or energy to plan something like that.
By the end of a weekday, it's all I can do to make it to my bed by the time I need to go to sleep.
I'm so stressed with it all I've paid all the major expenses and most of the minor ones, but trying to save for a place big enough for us all to live is breaking my back. It seems like no matter how hard I try, it's just not enough for her.
What do I do? I feel so alone in this relationship thank you "
Do you see what I'm suggesting? The statements of fact I make in the above parody post may not be at all accurate, but even if not, it gets my pointy across. It's entirely plausible he feels just as alone and lost and 'put upon' as you do. It's entirely possible you're trying very very hard, and he's also trying very very hard, but that the two of you are trying in different directions.
If that's the case, you need to engage him in a serious conversation about the direction of your relationship, your future together, and how the two of you can work as a team to achieve the future you want together. The alternative is to keep trying in different directions until you both get there, and then wonder what happened to the person you thought was just along for the ride.
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