A
female
age
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*oolishheart
writes:Help me understand this man? I have been in a long distance relationship 10 yrs with someone I used to work with.I am married with 2 children whom I adore and would never hurt,my husband is a selfish man,I have been to a therapist who told me if my husband was meeting my needs this other man would have never existed. Although I love my husband in the sence I do not want to hurt him,I am not in love with him.This other man does the things my husband does not compliments me,takes me places I always wanted to go and do(Although I frequently pay for because I feel bad he does not have much money,sometmes he will say he forgot his wallet,I am not wealthy I work as a nurse a field I pursued after meeting him ,he despite my encouragement to further his education and be provided better paying job opportunities has remained at a standstill )He listens to my issues with Raising my children and although never had children of his own offers good advice he says he love my children because they mean so much to me and he would never get between them.I am very physically attracted to him I have tried multiple times to end the reltionship but this man will go out of his way to pursue me.When I moved out of state he somehow was able to find me via telehone.When I tell him I want him to have alife and go out, he lies and says he stays home,if he is out then he does not answer the phone and then tells me his battery was dead(Frequent excuse)I cook for him and play house occasionaly I have an Apartment in the town he lives.He still lives with his grandmother .Frequently tells me his fantasy of when we spend the second part of our life together how wonderful it will be because we are so compatable and that I am exactly what he wants in a woman .He has been married once and in a live in relationship while pursuing me.I am weak because I love the attention and feel like I love him. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):
CHEATING is not nice..IS IT?
Cheating is lying and decieving and been untrue to others aswell as self. IT IS WEAKNESS.
So you may be feeling what your husband may have felt for years.
I will not agree with YOUR CHEATING and condone it and use therapy as an excuse for your own weakness. Get strong and be truthfull to yourself and others. This other man is only guilty of doing what you have been doing yourself and i advise you to be your own therapist or change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): The only way you'll find peace out of this is to confess your part in everything, and leave him, being you constantly go on about how much you don't care about him or get along with him. Even if you harbor know guilt at all within your self, regarding your husband, and you care only about how you might have hurt your lover, your husband should still be informed of everything that's happened on your part, and how you really feel about him, just like you're telling us. Living with someone you profess no care for, to others, and sneak around with another lover, will only make you more unhappy, since you have no desire to love him, going by how you feel about him, and the actions with the lover. Until you reach that point, you won't be happy, you'll just find another lover to fill the first one's place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Basically... Have you told your husband?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): No one can help you out of this mess you created. Your hb and your lover use you and the sad thing is that you kids are the real victims here. I truly hope you can make right and you can turn over a new leaf. If you cannot learn to be faithful then I hope you have thge moral convictions to get a divorce. You are using your hb for finacially stability and this is not fair. You need to make drastic changes in your life and that means cutting off the sponging lover totally. This means not even 'frienship' with the lover. One day you will be accountable for your actions and I hope you have some answers.
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female
reader, Foolishheart +, writes (29 June 2010):
Foolishheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who responded to my question.The truth hurts, I know how wrong I have been continuing this relationship on all facets.I am the star in my own soap opera.I fight a battle between my heart and brain everyday,even though I should listen to the one with the brains in it.To update you all, I have told my lover I can not continue having an affair on my husband anymore its not fair to either of them.I prevent the lover from finding true happiness because of being in his life but not being able to give him all and no matter how badly my husband treats me no one deserves to be cheated on,it depresses me to ackowledge I am such a bad person I really do not want to be.Me and my husband do not have anything in common in the past I was OK with just living my life to do the things my husband wanted be the perfect wife/mother.How this relationship started with the other man was probally due to my own insecurities.A woman whom he worked with rented an appartment above our home,she came to look at the place while I was at work after 9pm,when I asked out of jelousy why she did not come when I was home he gave me the usual you are crazy stop the jelousy,after she moved in I would come home to find them on the sofa together watching TV,I would tell him what if I did that, again I was crazy,she got a boyfriend they all did drugs drinking after my children were put to bed.A lifestyle I so did not want my children exposed to but I had nowhere to go ,How could I support my children on my own , they love their father,I was the result of divorced parents.I was deeply depressed an attractive man started giving me attention at work.I found myself thinking about him all the time not sexually /romantically.Guilty feelings emerged was praying to God for help.Miricle husband relocated out of state,we could cut ties and start over.Even though I would not call the lover I thought about him all the time ,I was starting to think my life was going by so fast and there wher things I wanted to do ,I would talk to my husband tell him how I felt even told him about the other man, of course he was jelous of the other man but still didn't care what I wanted out of life.If there is someplace I want to go I have to go through his friends,if they go then he will go .My husband enjoys what he likes and tells me I can join him ,which I do or we would do nothing, as for the things I want to do his answer" So do them whos stopping you"The other man is not going to make this easy for me he says he will give me time but he still wants to be friends he loves me and can not just let me go.The pain is so heavy in my chest already and the tears are streaming down my face as I write this.Help me win this battle!
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female
reader, LadyRedBBW +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Where is your husband when all of this "time spending" is going on with this other guy? Doesnt he notice some diferences about you? Have you thought that he probably knows and is waiting for you to come clean..
How do you have this other apartment in the city he lives in? When do you stay in it?
Wow. You have some secrect life going on. Do you know how much wrong you are doing? you are a MARRIED woman, carry yourself and act like it (no disrespect).
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female
reader, twinee88 +, writes (28 June 2010):
~sweetie~
from my experience i think i understand what you are going threw. you need the attention and treated special. what person in the world doesn't deserve that? you might of found in the wrong way but who is perfect. you should talk to your hubby. tell him you need more from this relationship. its not a one sided deal. you both need to go together to a different therapist just because the other knows to much about the situation and might make it worst. clean slat kinda thing. it might help if you put a restraining order on the lover. so you will have a year to think and away there the situation. tell him just need space for awhile. try to work it out with the hubby. cause either way you are hurting yourself and everyone around you. specially your kids. they know when something is wrong. they might not understand but they can tell. and you have to remember it is a small world. there is always someone who knows someone you know.
tell you one of experiences- my uncle and aunt been married twice to each other. first time 27 years high school sweethearts and all that. well the last 13years of that he cheated. around pretty much had a second life. well the gal he was with got tired of the situation so she broke it off. he so was faithful for a couple of months then started to miss the second life again so started to see a new gal. well he divorced my aunt and married this gal in a year period. well my cousins were so so upset with him. and unsurprisingly a lot of people new about the 13 year affair but didn't tell my aunt. but cause he left her she had to change. she had to go places by herself my uncle never let her go by herself place. live by herself cause my cousins are all grown up. and realized she survive without him. well my uncle saw the changes and realized he didn't want to live without her. he would call her, send flowers, etc. so my aunt became the girl friend on the side. and put her foot down. my uncle got a divorce from the gal. and my uncle and aunt dated for a year. he had to suck up big time. my aunt doesn't let him get away with anything. and he has to deal with my family they are all still mad at him but it getting better. they got remarried on april fools day 6years ago and are happy for the most part. my aunt will be remind every day of it for the rest of her life cause my uncle had a little girl with the other woman. and has a 7year olds stepdaughter. she deals with it. i will tell you it will not be easy and you will have to work really really hard to work things out. it will not work out in one talk one night. it will be awhile! im sorry all of you will have to go threw the pain of it. things take time to heal. i hope it works out for you! i don't know you personally but my heart breaks for you knowing its going to be hard. i wish you luck with all my heart!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): So end it with your husband!! He has a right to know!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): Wow you really are getting used by him. Hahaha the bit where you say he takes you out but you pay!!! How can you not see that you are taking him out?! He's using you and your kids and husband deserve better!!
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 June 2010):
 Everybody else already summed up the basics, all I'm going to add is this:
This other guy doesn't sound like he's good news. It sounds like he's manipulating you and is very good at it. Most likely he's just attracted to the fact that you are "unavailable". If you were to have an actual serious relationship without cheating on your husband he most likely wouldn't be pursuing you or treating you the same. It's the thrill of the whole situation that drives people like that.
Cut it off with him. If he starts to give you any problems, tell him you told your husband, it's all out in the open and that it's over between you two (you and this guy). Tell him you're working on fixing your marriage. Whether you decide to do that is your own business.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): You're looking for excuses to communicate with this other guy behind your husband's back, and especially to try to continue it as long as possible. No matter how unsatisfying your husband is, to you, your therapist never told you that you should go where you're happy, because he wants return business, like the others here have said, so he gave a feel good answer. You can't blame your husband for cheating, whatever the case.. You should leave him if you're not happy. Why are you still with him if he's not good enough? It's not your husband who isn't showing enough love, it's you.. or do you feel that by hiding your affair for 10 years, he owes you one, or that you're saving him from being hurt? You're jumping the fence to find greener grass, but you need to start staying there. You've been secretly comparing your husband to someone you've placed higher in your mind, because you had to in order to keep things going with him. Your husband doesn't satisfy you because you've never let him, being this other guy's always been right in your mind, and you've placed your husband second. He's probably very fed up with trying to make you smile, and I guarantee that if he were to go elsewhere and cut someone else's lawn, he'd be alot happier than he was when he lived with you, since they most likely would be opening there arms up to him alot more than you would. Long story short, you can't please someone who never intented to let you please them. You might try to justify it with "I've tried this and that, and he never came through", but the big picture's obvious.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): The only way you will personally get any proper, mature, perspective on this is by firstly stopping the relationship with your lover. This will allow you the space to decide on your marriage - i.e you are unhappy and want to end it or you want to make it work and invest time and emotion into that. Hopefully the absence will eventually make you see this other guy for what he is. You are lucky (I use that word lightly) you have not been caught so get out of this now while you have the chance to salvage yourself. The situation as it stands is going absolutely nowhere and it is painfully clear you are being used. Sadly I don't think you have much respect for yourself or insight into a decent relationship. You can change both issues.
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female
reader, Foolishheart +, writes (28 June 2010):
Foolishheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought many times about leaving my husband and have discused with him how unhappy I am he does not care.As I said I do not want to hurt my children.I have tried to end this affair he pursues me, I am weak and get drawn back instead of sacrificing my life for my children.As for my husband our relationship was disfunctional from the begining I was shy insecure my attitude"I am not worthy what can I do to make your life more pleasurable."He cheated on me ,did drugs ect... Then I met this man and became more secure went to school became a nurse.The therapist does not condone the affaair but stated it would have never happened had my husband been providing me the attention I hunger for.
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female
reader, Foolishheart +, writes (28 June 2010):
Foolishheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought many times about leaving my husband and have discused with him how unhappy I am he does not care.As I said I do not want to hurt my children.I have tried to end this affair he pursues me, I am weak and get drawn back instead of sacrificing my life for my children.As for my husband our relationship as disfunctional from the bebining I was shy insecure my attitude"I am not worthy what can I do to make your life more pleasurable."He cheated on me ,did drugs ect...
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female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (28 June 2010):
 Wow...I would reconsider getting another therapist!
You call your husband selfish but you cheat on him. If you are that unhappy with your husband then leave him. Have you even tried to talk to your husband? Explained how you feel?
Now for the other man. It is clear that he is just using you. And if I understood correctly he had cheated on someone with you. If he would cheat on her he WILL cheat on you too. Of course he listens to your problems. He is getting a free meal and maybe even sex too. He doesn't care for you. And he lives with his Grandmother is a red flag right there. She is the one supporting him and how old is he?
Do yourself a favor and cut ties with this man. Then come clean to your husband and explain why.
Of course if you are convinced this man loves you and believe his lies then leave your husband and go to him. I am sure you will end up regretting it.
You have no right to cheat on your husband nomatter how "selfish" he is. Come clean and move on. I suggest you leave both of them. One is using you while the other you don't care about.
Get your life in order!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): you say you don't want to hurt anyone -but your having an affair... You sound like you just too scared to ever take any steps in any direction. Pragmatic expediency and frivolous selfishness
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): It's interesting that the man you pay for advice tells you what you want to hear isn't it, it's almost like if he doesn't you'd go off in a mood and stop giving him money.
Your in the wrong here no matter what a therapist says, you should tell your husband that this has being going on and hope he takes you back, all this other man has is flattery.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): I am in a similar situation except he pays. I have told him twice that this is it. We have just started this fling in March. I tell him that it's done only to have it start again hours or days later. We both have significant others. I thought he had feelings for me which is why I finally met him (after 5 years of flirting and talking) Now I think he is just a very good player. I have or had no intention of leaving my "other" but I can't stop... My answer to you is to just stop/ cut all ties. This is what I plan to do, I know it's gonna be hard but it's for the best. I also feel you should do the same. We need to move on b'c we both deserve better :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): wow , read your post slowly and if this was about someone else , what would you say?- you say you love and adore your kids and would NEVER hurt them, too late. you are doing just that!- the "therapist" justified you sleeping around? then i wonder about this professional. i say it is time to change therapists. it is know that so called therapists actually F up and cause more harm to the [people they are advising/helping. the old saying is: "every therapist have their own therapist" go figure.- your lover is using you. he is stealing your and your hb's finances and for the sick name of lust and sexual gratification, you are letting him. - for sexual intercouse you are selling your soul to a man who cares nothing for you. the man conveniently forgets his wallet. you are actually paying him for the sex. - i do not see you hb as a problem but you. i was serious when i said change therapists. - love or lust you need to grow some morals and start thinking like a mother and a decent wife, instead of just like a *itch on heat. - you have been cheating on your hb and kids for 10 years now and you claim to love them?? you seem to be living for your lover and the sexual gratification and getting your kicks this way. you have not been a wife and a mother. yes you are only a lover. - your hb deserves better. after all for all his faults he is not the cheating spouse. he is faithful and he has not sold his soul for sex. - if you are in love /lust with your lover then time to end your sham of a marriage. yes it is a sham created by you the moment you started sleeping with your lover. stop fooling yourself and start looking realistically at your life and the total mess YOU have created. - how do you face your kids. will you ever be honest and tell them what you have been doing for the past 10 years or will you just justify having sex with your lover at the expense of your husband. i can honestly say that your kids will lose any respect they have for you when they find out your shame. - "what should I do" you do not need someone to tell you what the right thing to do is. I will not tell you to leave your lover because YOU HAVE CHOSEN not to. for the love of sex you have chosen to be the cash cow for a "man" who has been using you for years. this man cheated on his partner with you. i think you think you are different and that he too doesn't have another life away from you.- you are living in la la land and you just do not get it, do you? you have a sponger in your life and you are paying him for having sex with you. a gigolo??? i think you need to come to the realisation that you want to be with him and that you must. stop wasting your kids time and your husbands time and life and go to your lover and then what a sham of a life you have. - you gloat that your lover takes you places. hey i would also take my lover places if the bills are paid. its called a free ride in life. do you think your lover is waiting patiently for you to call. ha, his phone is off and HE LIES ALL THE TIME TO YOU. and you say your husband is selfish. look closer at yourself and see the selfish person staring back at you. -"... have been to a therapist who told me if my husband was meeting my needs this other man would have never existed....." i can honestly say that no matter how good your husband is and no matter what he does, you would still be running around. it is called being accountable for your actions and you have not been accountable for your affair. you have justified it and you have shifted balme and you have conveniently decided that you are not at fault.- i repeat yet agin: time to change therapista and time to call the black spade a black spade: meaning time for you to grow some backbone and morals and time for you to firstly admit your wrongdoing and your cheating ways. and then time to TRY to do the decent honourable thing by getting out of your husbands life so that he has a change at happiness. - yes i am harsh , and yes I am being too candid but hey someone has to remove your blinkers from your life. Your lover is using you, just as you are using your husband. why should your lover get a better job when you are paying the bills and seeing to his financial needs. in your quest for sexual gratification, you have lost your ability to reason and to see yourself being used. your lover doesn't want a life with you. he only wants to use you.- i can scream from the rooftops but only you can decide to end being used: that if, if you want to.
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