A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have known this man for a year and a half we are both sober. at first we were just friends. he was separated from his wife and has a small child. he moved back with her for the sake of the child and has been miserable. we have always been attracted to each other. I stayed away from him because he is married.He pursued me with a vengence and 2 months ago we started up an emotional affair. we have kissed with off the hook passion but have not had sex. we wanted to wait, he is struggling with fears of losing his child. 2 weeks ago his wife caught him ala cell phone. we stopped contact mutually to avoid doing any more harm.I know he has strong feelings for me and that he is unhappy in his marriage. is there hope for us? I have an update, today the guy called me after a month of not talking. He said he wanted to know how I am since he has not seen me around. I told him......sad. I also told him I need space. what is his deal? was it out of guilt that he called or does he actually care? I am going to continue to stay away but am still curious what the aunts have to say.
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (24 March 2007):
 this set up sounds really sad.even though you are attracted and want more you havent gone as far as to sleep with him.people with addictions usually swap one addiction for another.you sound strong enough for the next addiction not to be you.youve been sensible enough not to sleep with him and youve stayed away.he has contacted you but i think deep down you know that the only answer is to change your numbers.if you need to explain why then i think that only fair.this guy is struggling to do the right thing.you have your own problems.he has the added complications of wife and child.at least hes got a conscious so leave him to do what best for them.i think lifes too short to be his counsellor and it seems pretty much that thats all thats left.so if you can get that final bit of courage leave him to do right by his wife and child.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): Okay. When you met him he was separated. But ONLY separated, not divorced. When separated there always is the possibility (no matter how remote in some cases) that the husband and wife might get back together again.
This is what happened to you, and is why its a good reason not to date "separated" men!!
However, he may well be unhappy and miserable and only staying for the sake of his child. But - and its a very big "but" - he CHOSE TO RETURN TO HIS WIFE. Take note of that: it was HIS CHOICE. His wife didn't (and couldn't) force him to go back to living with her. He has to deal with his misery himself; its not your place to be a shoulder for him to cry on.
The long and short of it is he's married. He has - and you have - no right to be engaging in an emotional affair, even if sex is not involved. You need to refuse any more contact with him, and make that decision final. There is no hope for you with him.
There is, however, hope for YOU if you place this firmly in the past, get over being sad and make yourself available to meet another man who will be free to love you!
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (20 March 2007):
 Obviously he still has feelings for you, but he has to sort out his own problems first before he can be the kind of man you deserve. Since you said that you were both sober, does that mean you both met each other at AA or that you are both very sober, genteel and serious people? If it is the former, I can imagine that his pre-AA days were tortuous for his family. His alcoholism has disrupted his family, and they deserve the attention and care that he didn't have for them before. He should try his level best to heal the wounds in his family, which means that you can't be in the picture. I'm sure you know this already.
THere's nothing tbat you can do to alleviate his unhappiness except be his shoulder to cry on. This is not possible, however, because you are more like his distraction. He's probably living in his own personal hell with an unhappy marriage and the need to be there for his child. Torn in between, he has to decide whether he can solve his marriage or divorce from his wife and win a custody/visiting rights battle with his child.
It is wisest for you to stay out of contact with him. You will be used as leverage in their divorce battle if you maintain contact.
If you want him to know why you can't keep contact with him, tell him the reasons for your decision the next time he calls. If you can't wait for him, it's best to move on.
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