A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:what do i do about loving a man who is in an unhappy marriage and stays in it for the sake of his child?i have known this man for a year and a half we are both sober. at first we were just friends. he was separated from his wife and has a small child. he moved back with her for the sake of the child and has been miserable. we have always been attracted to each other. I stayed away from him because he is married.He pursued me with a vengence and 2 months ago we started up an emotional affair. we have kissed with off the hook passion but have not had sex. we wanted to wait, he is struggling with fears of losing his child. 2 weeks ago his wife caught him ala cell phone. we stopped contact mutually to avoid doing any more harm.I know he has strong feelings for me and that he is unhappy in his marriage. is there hope for us?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyikes! Nutty,
I think your point of view is valid. I have done and am doing what you have suggested. Thanks for your input.
A
female
reader, NuttyGooner  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Umm... Who said anything about alcohol - or does rosy specs have a different meaning in the USA?I can only pay attention to what you write - From what you say, all I can gather is that you are seeing a bloke, but not shagging him, and he is staying in his "unhappy" marriage for the sake of the child. He chased you but you stayed away because he is married (but it didn't stop you from reciprocating, eh?), you've not slept together, admirable, but not Nobel prize winning marterial. But just because I am not giving you the "poor you, the love of your life has a wife" treatment, doesn't make me any less valid to put my point of view across. I know you've stayed away good for you! I didn't say you had sex.I know this isn't going to change what you want or feel -TOUGH! The ball's in his court! Keep him at arms length until he does sort out what he really wants, it's tearing you up enough as it is.His child comes first, it always will come first - that's never going to change, but he should know that he doesn't need to be forced into a relationship with his wife to have a good relationship with his child.Just be happy for him whatever he decides.I hope that has made it clearer.Nutty
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are not paying attention to my story. do you know what sober is? being a drunk does not excuse behavior and actions however, things happen when we are not sober and there are consequences. when we get sober we try to right wrongs and try to do the right thing. I was not involved with him when he went back, to see if the whole family thing would work . we were just friends. I stayed out of it. He talked to his mates about how it was awful and not working. I was wrong to not wait...I have corrected this wrong by ending things and staying away... that doesnt change what I want or how I feel.
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female
reader, NuttyGooner +, writes (6 March 2007):
I wasn't having a go at you at all - The only thing I am critical of is you making excuses for him. I would not mind it as much, but as you said, they moved back in together - if the marriage is as bad as he was telling you, it wouldn't be like that.Offering you my advice, from what you tell me - is not critical of you - it's just removing your rosy specs of this guy. He obviously has some issues and he needs some time out to sort out what he really wants.He's not worth that, hunny, no married man is.I wish you all the best.Nutty xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for not having a go at me. We have had the talk and have come to the conclusion that I need to stay out of it and he needs to deal with his own life and problems. I'm just sad and working on acceptance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): First of all, I am not going to "bite your head off"! You already know seeing him is wrong, face facts. If he REALLY hates it at home and is not happy, do not call, return his calls, email or text him..PERIOD! He needs to leave because he wants to leave this relationship because of him not being happy, not because of you. "IF" there was to ever be a relationship between the two of you, both of you would have a better chance with your relationship lasting and not failing because of him leaving due to him being unhappy. I understand, really I do where you are coming from, but you are only giving him what he needs, which is what he is not getting at home. He needs to start thinking...on his own...what he really wants to do without any help. I do wish you luck though!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to lady destiny for leaving out the judgment and actually paying attention to my story and giving me such sound advice.
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female
reader, NuttyGooner +, writes (5 March 2007):
I'm sorry if you do not want to hear this, but he has fed you that old chestnut of being in an unhappy marriage but won't leave "for the sake of the child". For crying out loud they moved back in together, can't be that miserable can it seeing as they lived apart before - and he more than likely sees you as a potentially easy bit on the side! No one would stay in a very bad marriage for any reason - as you said his wife caught him with the phone, and he STILL hasn't broken it off with her? Doesn't that tell you something?Stop making excuses for him! People can live double lives for years - walk away with your head held high, because it doesn't look like he will actually something about ending this "unhappy" marriage.In the future stay well clear of married men.Good Luck, Nutty xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): This man is married. Why are you even having contact (kissing) with him? If he is so unhappy, why does he remain in the situation he's in now? He needs to work out whatever issues he has in his life instead of having relations with you. The man is married. Stay away! Let me deal with what he needs to deal with.That's the problem with some people today. Some people know they're in a relationship or married or getting married but continue to pursue? That's why it's so hard for men and women to find good partners in their life because of people like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): He is married with a child. Why are you hanging around? If life is so bad then why is he there?Sorry but I think life for him isn't as bad as he is telling you. Some people say these things, but life really isn't that bad! You should always stay well away from anyone who has a partner. Why can't you get someone who is single? Walk away now while you still have some dignity.
Take care
x
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female
reader, Lady Destiny* +, writes (5 March 2007):
Dear HopefulThere is hope but maybe you should tell him to confront his wife.If he is scared of losing his child then he can appear in court. Marriage is a difficult situation and should only be encountered if both partners are equally comitted, I suggest you let him have some space to think about what he trully wants most. Be happy with his decision but remember his wife has feelings and his child will always come first. Make sure that is a commitment you are ready to make. Update me when things have progressed and when he has reached a final decision.Hope all goes well!Lady Destiny*
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