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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years. We both have kids. For whatever reason, her kids don't like me and it's causing a big strain on our relationship. We don't want to stop seeing each other, but don't know how to proceed. Looking for any advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): I don't know how you behave towards her kids (I don't mean in a nasty way. A lot of step parents try too hard to get the kids to like them and they end up scaring the kids off)but the best advice I can give is to be very neutral towards them. I don't mean ignore them but don't force yourself upon them by trying to be their new dad. They will only end up resenting you as you are not their Dad. Let them come to you. My partner has kids and this is how I behaved with them when I first met them, and it seems to have worked. They come and stay at our house to see their Dad not me, so when they go on days out I stay at home and if they're staying in I busy myself with other things and try and give them the time with their Dad. Maybe they just need a little space with their Mum and after a while they realise that you're not a threat and are not going to take their Mum away from them. In my situation they are now asking if I'd like to come on their days out which, of course, I love to.
Are there any common interests that you could find? Do you/they like playstation or nintendo games? I pretended to be really awful at a game on the playstation that I know they like to play and they 'helped' me with it. They like to laugh at you about how rubbish you are at these things and it also gives you something to laugh and talk about.
Good luck with it all. It's very hard to find the right balance!
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female
reader, amanda_loves_u  +, writes (20 March 2007):
 Honestly Shandy pop, im 18, my parent's got divorced when I was 14. I felt the exact same thing your son felt besides the fact that my parents haven't gotten re-married. I think the reason that your son isn't getting close to this man to whom will be your significant other is because he probably resents him. It's not every kids dream to have their parents back together and although that might be your son's case, I don't know, I think he feels more hatred probably towards you and his real father and is probably taking it out on the two of you, and he probably feels like he shouldn't have to take the time to get to know this man. He'se probably still not over the divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): I am going through something similar at the moment. My son aged 15 (going on 40) hates my partner and his son (14), we moved in over a year ago, we are getting married next month. My son has done everything to try and disrupt the whole situation. He is rude, unpleasant etc to my bloke, when he is naturally a lovely lad, and always has been. My ex (his dad) got married recently and that made him worse, cos now he realises that me and his dad will never get back together.
All i can say is try and get along, if that is all thrown back in your face then you cannot be accused of being horrible or evil to them. The situation is never easy, but don't give up on your gf because of the kids. They will have won!
My bloke does try with my son. He gives him lifts, buys him stuff (not too often - cos we are a bit skint!), etc. My son loves to cook so we encourage him to cook tea (if he wants) and we buy all the ingredients, praise him when he does it. The list is endless and sadly, sometimes, thankless, but i feel that we are doing our bit and not ignoring the situation.
I do feel for these kids though, the ideal situation would be for their natural parents to stay together and live happily ever after. So they never have step families to be thrown again because some can be evil.
All i can say is stick with it and one day they will leave home and look back and think that it wasn't too bad, well hopefully.
I wish you well and keep in touch if you want.
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): This is a minefield. It is not easy to say more unless you tell what the resentments actually are. Children often have strong loyalty to the absent parent and won't let themselves replace him in any way. They may hope that their parents will get back together and you represent an obstacle to that. What is needed is an honest approach. Your girlfriend has no chance of any relationship if she allows the kids to dictate her life. How old are they? Do they like your kids?
Humour is a great help in these situations. My brother put a dead crab in his girlfriend's daughter's shoe after they had been to the beach. She found it very funny, but he had read her sense of humour perfectly. If she was horrible to him he would pick her up from school in his most embarrassing hat with a bobble on the top. He told her that the more horrible she was, the worse the hat would be.
I don't know how you are going to get around these kids, you can take them here or there, but this and that, but you need to find the key to their thoughts as my brother did. What about if all your kids organise a trip, involving some trick they can play on you and your girlfriend? Camping with spooks to haunt you or something. This sounds crazy but I hope you get the picture!
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