A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:my best friend is a guy and we have been best friends for a year. we are really close but purely platonic. thing is that he's been coming round to mine a fair bit recently to chill out and we have a lot of fun. he was supposed to come round today and i called him this morning to check he was still coming and he said he was, but hours went by and he didn't show. i figured he'd just missed his bus (hour and a half to mine) so i called him a couple of times and he never picked up. Then his cousin picked up and said he was looking after his other cousin who was/had been in the hospital, but my other friend pointed out that an hour or so earlier my best friend had put on facebook that he was bored and wanted to meet up with anyone. It makes me wonder what's true and what's not. It's not particularly in his usual character to stand me up, i'd have been fine if he'd just sent me a message saying he couldn't come round or whatever. He also normally forgets to send me a message so i'm always doing it first which bothers me because i don't think you should forget about messaging a best friend. He forgets to message pretty much everyone else first but it's just a bit upsetting that this is happening and we are supposed to be best friends and truly are when we are together.What should/can i do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I've got the feeling you've posted before quite a bit about this same guy, so , first , of all, do not delude yourself, this is not platonic, at least from your side. you've got a crush, that's why you are so sensitive to what he does and so in doubt about how to react.
Normally, if one has an unreliable platonic friend, of any gender , he /she will come easily and naturally to either one of these conclusions : " eh that's how John / Jane is, what can you do, we can't kill him so we'll have to take him as he is " or else " WTF ! I don't NEED a "best friend " who stands me up or blows me off. I am so done with him ".
If for you it is so difficult to adopt either one of this attitdes, it must be because you are more invested emotionally that a normal friendship would require. I am afraid he's pereceived it, and he's taking advantage of it.
I am not saying that he does not like you, after all if he travels one and a half our just to hang out, well, that's more than I've ever done or would do for a platonic friend ! he just, I think, takes you a bit for granted. He won't initiate contact, or he won't firmly commit his time with you , or he will feed you some BS when something better comes up ( cousin at the hospital : yeah right- it's a classic ) a) because, no matter what he SAYS, he takes this friendship much less seriously and more casually than you do b) he knows you will accept, you won't call him up on his bs, you will adjust your schedule, you will stay at home waiting for him to show up, rather than, sensibly,going out and have fun on your own if he does not confirm or he is late to show up.
He keeps the knife by the handle, in your relationship.
Once again : you cannot make people like you, you cannot make them love you, you cannot make them want to be with you or around you. You CAN demand courtesy, respect, and reliability- but if you have done it alreday several times , and nothing happens, well, again... you can only either decide to put up with this good naturedly, or, to cut this person off.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 June 2012):
Hi there. Is it possible that you want more from this friendship than he does?
When you call him to see what's happened and why he hasn't showed up, he might be thinking of that as being more than just friends, and could be a bit scared off.
What I am really trying to say here is that perhaps he only wants friendship - and you want more than that.
Even though you say you hang out a lot together and chill out, there could be some mixed messages there that he sees and you don't.
Your actions in calling him because he didn't show up at your house when he said he would, could be closing in on his personal space a little.
He might be feeling a little suffocated.
Don't worry too much about what he says on Facebook to other people, look more at his actions instead.
It's possible that he sees you as a friend yes, and at the same time he might be developing feelings of a more romantic nature for you, and realizes that it's not what he wants at the moment.
He could be getting a bit confused about what is really happening between you.
And maybe this is why he is holding back a bit and getting others to make excuses for why he didn't turn up at your house, when he first said he would.
For now though, don't text him or call him anymore, until you hear something from him.
So just let him make first contact with you in future.
You have done all that you can.
Even if it's a week or two, or even a month, still let him be the next one to make any kind of contact.
Because if you don't do that - wait - he might then start to get annoyed with you, which will lessen the chances even more, that he will contact you anytime soon.
So for now, do nothing and just go out with your friends or visit them, and just have fun and enjoy life.
And see if he calls you.
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