A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I am deadset on finding a boyfriend who doesn't use porn when in a relationship, my problem is how will I know? In what way could i find this information out? If i tell them i dont like it they will hide it from me or tell me they don't watch it when they do. How do I get around this problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): "Sperm that are not used within 38-72 hours are reabsorbed and recycled by the body. There is no biological need for release"
You try having your vesicles fill up with fluid for three days and tell me there's no "need" for release.
It may not be a biological necessity but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the psychological and physical "need" we guys get when you yourself can never experience it.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (30 June 2012):
 "Women might feel horniness, but they are not as visual as men are."
As a man, you presume to speak for women how? Do you see the irony in criticizing women speaking for men by speaking for women? It does not really matter what opinions on this are because this is something scientists have investigated. Studies where men and women were fitted with devices to test their arousal and shown pornography showed they responded equally and in fact women were aroused by a wider variety of stimulants. Most studies disagree with your hypothesis that men are more visual than women. Fewer women look at porn because it's a) more socially frowned upon, b) fewer women masturbate in general, and c) the vast majority of porn is aimed at men.
"I think you are out of your element here."
I have worked studying pornography, relationships, masturbation, and sexuality for several years, I have worked with several of the leading experts in the field around the world and I am a published author in this subject. I don't see any way I can be more in my element. Other than the fact that you are male, what qualifies you to talk about porn use among people other than yourself?
The Kinsey Institute is the most well-respected research institute for studying sexuality in the entire country. The study involved more than 14,000 subjects and they have cited other papers and studies with tens of thousands more. The studies on masturbation were tens of thousands more. It does not improve your credibility to dismiss this.
My boyfriend could be lying I suppose, but I trust him and it's pretty unlikely. He does not grasp the concept of lying to spare people's feelings. I was always the porn user, not him. I used to really like porn and used it regularly, he was never all that interested, though he has of course used it before we dated. I'm definitely the more visual one in the relationship, he is more touch oriented whereas I like to see what's happening. He was the one who suggested neither of us look at porn a few weeks into dating "just to keep things simple."
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 June 2012):
 Oh dear me, are we really going into a the debate of "can women be as horny as men"???
Yes, we can. We are also ever as visual creatures as men. And men are ever as non-dependent on visual stimulation as some other women.
If you run a study on how many women versus men masturbate, do you think you'd see it being equal? That as many women as men masturbate regularly? I don't think so. I think you'd see men being in the majority on both the age where they start masturbating, and how often. But this has surprisingly enough absolutely nothing to do with level of hornyness. It's all about cultural pressure. Women are trained to NOT want sex. We're taught to think of it as something "dirty", that masturbating would be a sin, that we shouldn't, that we should stay virgin for our future husbands, and that if we have any sexual desires it means we are slutty.
So sure, we don't masturbate. And sure, we don't watch porn. But the amount of erotic literature out there in the world is not a sign women are NOT visual, nor is it a sign that women can't get turned on the same way as a man. It's simply a sign that we've had to take our sexuality down to a more subtle level, hide it a bit in novels and "stories" rather than the obvious action of a porn.
Then again, women and men the same, some like porn, others just don't. Loads of men READ erotic novels and get off by it. I personally know several communities online where men both write and read erotic literature. And they get off from it as well. Men are not more visual than women. Some men prefer visual stimulation, but so do some women.
"Don't you find it interesting that all the men that responded agree and it is only the women who have your point of view?"
I find it interesting that you're clearly editing out parts here. There are several men who have told us they don't watch porn, or don't need it. And person12345 is actually referring to her own husband, a MAN, quite a lot. She's not making up something, merely stating what she's observed in her own husband, and what the statistics are.
Maybe the reason you choose to ignore this is because it doesn't sit well with your stereotypical image of the world. Haven't you ever thought that men could be lying to you about their usage of porn, just because they want to fit in with "the guys"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012):
I don't want to turn this into a pissing contest, but to think that "only between 60-80% of men regularly masturbate, depending on their age group" is true is equally ridiculous. If Kinsey believes this then they should reevaluate their methodology.
As a woman, I think you have no experience in this matter. Women might feel horniness, but they are not as visual as men are. I am not trying to excuse my behavior, but I think you are out of your element here. Don't you find it interesting that all the men that responded agree and it is only the women who have your point of view? You can call that "excusing behavior" or you can just accept that it is closer to the truth than you'd like to believe. I am not proud that I look at porn and I'd never admit to anyone, but I do look at it more than 0% of the time.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (30 June 2012):
I will repeat myself, men who claim that all men watch porn are trying to excuse their own behavior and remove personal responsibility. As in since all men look at porn, individual men are powerless to resist it, which is total nonsense. It is a choice, just like any other choice. There is nothing dragging you by the genitals to your computer.
You're welcome to look up the study, it matches pretty much all other reputable polls and studies done on the subject. It's done by the Kinsey institute. It also reveals that only between 60-80% of men regularly masturbate, depending on their age group. There is no way to measure "never" because almost everyone has looked at some point. Not all guys look at porn, not all guys even masturbate, and the ones who don't aren't all eunuchs or religious.
Which brings me to my next point, masturbation and pornography are not synonymous. So when people bring up a lack of sex or horniness or whatever as justification to use pornography, it's an irrelevant point because one can be done without the other, just like eating can be done without McDonalds. Also I'm not sure where you learned basic biology, but while the hormones that cause men to want to have an orgasm do come from the gonads they do not come from the production of sperm. Sperm that are not used within 38-72 hours are reabsorbed and recycled by the body. There is no biological need for release, there is simply a want that men and women both feel due to hormones, not the production of gametes. When I read responses like yours I'm pretty much convinced some men think women don't feel horniness, or at least that it's not "real" horniness like what men feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012):
"1 in 4 does not currently regularly watch" it does not mean that they never watch it. I would like to see this study cited, because I do not believe this is true for men over the course of their lives - in a relationship or not.
I think the very young (off sleeping with young women) and very old (not interested in sex anymore) may not watch much porn but I am pretty sure the rest do unless that 25% is all sequestered in Maine or in the clergy or something.
It's interesting to me that so many women just cannot accept that fact that men watch porn. It's usually nothing to do with you and when your man tells you he isn't (and hasn't since he met you and won't ever!) he is almost certainly lying - maybe even to himself.
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reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I wouldn't mind a guy who has tried it. I understand SINGLE men doing it. I want a guy who thinks its wrong in a relationship or prefers to fantasize about me instead. I could stretch to a guy using it and thinking of me at the same time.
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reader, BettyBoup +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Become an Amish :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I keep this one short since you have so many other well thought and excellent answers, kind of what I take as a summary of porn.
First of all, if a guy does not get a release after a large amount of time, he can end up in a large amount of pain. Guys keep making semen, while you girls only have so many eggs. And if we don't get rid of the old to make room for the new, it can hurt as bad as kidney stones, which is akin to a woman in labor.
And secondly, in the culture we live in, it's going to be near impossible for any pubescent boy to avoid experimenting in porn. He may decide he doesn't like it and stop, but it's almost certain he's dabbled, and this becoming more common for girls as well actually...
But as simply as I can put it, guys are designed in a way that requires us to indulge in carnal satisfaction, and with the pressure of society, you're just not going to find a guy who's never tried it...
But remember, although you may consider his desires a flaw, likewise, there will be things about you that he will not be excited about. This is where you need to learn to overlook some of those natural human flaws and work to make a beautiful relationship together. Individually, we're terrible, but together, a man and a woman can make a perfect union.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (29 June 2012):
Not 1 in 4 has never watched, 1 in 4 does not currently regularly watch. If you think being male trumps the most well-respected sexual behavior research institute in the country and tens of thousands of data points, well I suppose that's your choice.
Any man who claims all men watch porn is trying to remove personal responsibility as in, since all men watch it's not even a personal choice, it's simply obligatory. Saying it's "human nature" to look at porn ignores the personal choice to do that, something that 25-30% of men choose not to do.
My boyfriend of course HAS viewed porn in his life, but it's never been something that was that interesting to him. He does not occasionally look at magazines or sex scenes in movies. It's just not something he finds necessary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): "About 1 in 4 men doesn't watch."As a guy I do not believe this statistic for one second. If you said "1 in 4 men hasn't watched in a year" or something like that maybe. However, to find a male under age 70 who will never look at porn as long as he is married/in a relationship? Good luck with that. May as well go hunting for a pink unicorn. I am the type of guy who doesn't like porn and thinks it exploits women. If I see some on I will usually turn away. I don't go to strip clubs or the like either. And you know what? Sometimes I do flip through a magazine or the like. It's human nature. If you mean that you don't want a guy to be a chronic user I get that, but even the most devoted family man in crazy love with you is going to look at porn now and then even if it's in the form of sex scenes in mainstream films.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): My problem is the fact that i want someone to lose interest, i am under the belief if i was good enough they wouldnt be interested and fantasize about me instead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): Even if you find someone who doesn't, how will you know for sure they won't start in the future? I used to think it was "wrong", and I didn't do it. But my view changed over a period of time.Someone told me a long time ago (probably 30 plus years ago) "Studies show that 90% of men masterbate, and the other 10% lie". (that's a joke, of course)If it is a deal breaker, you really have to ask about it early in a relationship, explain why you feel that way, and see what the guy's reaction is. I doubt that very many non-users would react in an extremely negative manner.I always think about my wife when I'm masturbating. I'd say it is very believable if someone said that. But, I do surf porn to get started once in awhile. My wife only wants sex about once a week, but I'd like it 3-4 times per week. After awhile, she got tired of me asking for it all the time, and I got tired of being turned down all the time. I read book after book after book about how to get women in the mood, but I finally concluded "I tried rewiring her, I tried refiring her, I think her engine is permanently stalled."Every once in awhile, she happens to be in the mood on a day I've helped myself, so to speak. So, in a sense, one could say that porn/masturbation has "caused" harm in our relationship at times. I've talked to other married men who have the same problem. They hold off for days and days, and finally they have help themselves. But, it's always a gamble because one never knows if that happens to be the one day the wife actually wants it.My sense is that women get frustrated when this happens and blame it on porn. Men get frustrated and blame it on their wife's low sex drive.But, really, how long is a man supposed to abstain from any sexual activity whatsoever if his wife has no interest in it and turns him down constantly? In my conversations with married men, this is extremely common. Granted, it's a small sample size and not a scientific survey.If you happen to have a high sex drive and you want it constantly from your man, I have to believe most men would be happy to go along with it, and they probably wouldn't have much time or energy left for porn. In other words, if you have a very high sex drive and it turns out your man can't keep up with you because he's constantly watching porn, that would be a problem.I can actually understand why it would bother a woman. It would bother me if my wife surfed porn. But, I can also understand why so many men do it so frequently. What I don't understand is why so many women want their man to never look at another women, or be sexual in any way other than with them, but then don't actually want to have sex with their man? Marriage shouldn't be a vow of celebacy.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (28 June 2012):
Statistically people in highly religious or morally "oppressed" areas are MUCH more likely to watch porn than other places. I would also imagine they'd be more likely to lie about it. Religious people are the last ones I'd suggest you date for this.About 1 in 4 men doesn't watch. To put this in perspective, there are more men who don't watch porn than men who are gay, and how many gay men do you know?Don't listen to claims that you need to be a sex slave or torture yourself about looking like a porn star, that's not why people watch porn. Porn is habit-forming and "alluring" because of novelty of having new people and new sex acts every few seconds if you want it. It's the hyper-stimulation of it, not the people in it.Leaving aside the fact that old "porn" wasn't used for personal use/for masturbation and only extremely wealthy people could afford to have them in their homes and only the upper class could afford to visit them in the public galleries and is not even a remotely reasonable comparison to modern porn, the fact that things have historically existed is not a reason for its continued existence. The only thing that matters is whether it is causing harm now, and in more than half of relationships and marriages it is.I think Chigirl's suggestions are excellent, to frame it as sexual exploration rather than a demand. You can also show him some of the articles on my favorite "anti porn" site, http://www.yourbrainonporn.com about better sex from stopping. Also I can tell you from both talking to ex-users and having been a user, masturbation and sex does become much more satisfying without porn on the brain. My boyfriend and I discussed porn about a month into dating and he was the one who brought it up and suggested neither of us use it "so as not to complicate things." Neither of us masturbates unless we're apart from the other for longer than a few days and when he does he doesn't need porn. The two are not synonyms, there is no reason someone needs porn to masturbate.So as I stated earlier, there are men out there who don't use it and men who are willing to stop. If the guy suggests any sex acts clearly taken from porn, you can use that as a clue.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (28 June 2012):
If you word yourself the right way then my suggestion is that you simply ask him to not watch porn.
After you've entered a relationship with a man who you know doesn't watch a lot of porn, or has a particular need for it (don't confuse a high sex drive and masturbation with porn use), then just ask him "Darling, I propose we try something that I think will bring us closer. I suggest that we try to not watch porn, but keep everything sexual between you and me. You can masturbate of course, but that you only use your imagination, or images/videos of me to inspire you. I will do the same. I think this might bring us closer on a sexual level, to explore our sex life deeper."
Then also suggest that you DO explore your sex life, through for example tantric sex or focusing on each other in a new manner. Such as learning how to stimulate each other in different ways, through the way you look at each other, to the way you kiss, to the way you touch when clothes are still on.
If you have a good sexual connection with the man, and you meet fairly regular, then this shouldn't be an issue. You can also suggest to refrain from masturbation in periods, to test the effect this has on your sex life when you do meet.
But don't make it into a demand. Make it into a quest for the both of you to explore, and where there is something to gain for the both of you.
Alternatively just ease in on it while dating him and make it clear how you view porn and see if he's got similar views?
Just out of curiosity, why are you against porn? And maybe the issue CandyCane has isn't the porn issue itself, but perhaps that her man doesn't worship her or treat her like a Goddess? You can't force these things out of a man, or demand them. But if the man doesn't give you what you want you need to LEAVE and find someone who can give you what you want. Period. Never try to change your man. Either he's willingly prepared to kiss the ground you walk on and keep everything sexual purely between the two of you, or he wont. And if he wont you can't make him.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 June 2012):
 You could probably find such a man in North Korea who isn't a government official. You can visit North Korea but you can't live there though. He can't escape the country either.
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reader, jinxx +, writes (28 June 2012):
 I'm sure there are some men out there who don't watch porn, but realistically speaking... you have a better chance of being lied to about it than actually being with someone who doesn't watch it.
Why is it such an issue for you? Is it jealousy? Insecurity? Something else?
I have a jealous streak in me and while I would of course LOVE IT if my boyfriend never once batted an eye at another woman, I realise this is real life and these things are going to happen. I find the best way for me to deal with it is to not think of it at all. I'd rather not force limitations on someone, because I wouldn't like having them forced on me.
I think instead of searching for a man who doesn't watch porn, you should search for one who is very open and communicative, who will gladly answer questions and help you through your issues and to be more comfortable with things.
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reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (28 June 2012):
I'll have to find someone who can use their imagination or something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): I don't think that you will find one. I, myself, don't have a single friend who doesn't watch porn. And honestly, it has nothing to do with a relationship. I think you may try to cope with this and realise that it is totally normal for guys nowadays and it is in no way related to your relationship, neither in positive, nor in negative way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): I've been thinking hard about this issue for the past 10 min and honestly cannot think of a single solution. I would say maybe a underdeveloped country where they have no internet access and limited published porn but a quick research shows that there's loads of porn in poor countries.... and loads of prostitutes so perhaps not the best solution.
Porn is as old as man himself. When they uncovered Pompeii (a roman city buried in the ashes of a vulcano some 1700 years ago) they found well preserved pornographic pictures on the walls of some of the houses.
I'm not saying this to hurt you but as a 34 years old man with loads of friends I cannot think of a single man who doesn't at least semi-frequently use porn. Sure plenty of them lie to their girlfriends about it because they have jealousy issues but that is pretty much the norm.
Your chances of finding a man that never watches porn are probably the same as a man trying to find a woman that never cuts her hair (ever)! And most men think it's just as ridiculous. I mean why do you think you have the right to control what someone else does? It's really not any of your business.
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reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (28 June 2012):
Another boyfriend even told me he prefers to fantasize about ME
That's what I wanted, that's how it should be, read this it's my story I think he's bullshitting.
"B/f uses porn with girls that look like me and thinks of me?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):
First, be prepared to have sex whenever he wants it.
Second, be prepared to keep yourself in excellent shape forever.
Last, you will, as others said, have to probably find a very religious man.
I am not the type of guy who watches a lot of porn, but I do watch it sometimes if you consider porn to be things like a naked girl in a magazine. I think almost every guy does. Is this really that high on your list of priorities? What about the guy that does not watch porn because he is sleeping with your friends?
Maybe you should elaborate on what it is you REALLY want to avoid? Men that treat women badly or objectify them? They can do that and never watch any porn.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (28 June 2012):
I don't think it's a rare thing to find a man who is willing to not use porn. I actually think it will be harder to find a man who says he prefers porn over a real woman/girlfriend. Porn isn't an addiction, it is much harder to find a smoker who is willing to quit smoking, than it is to find a man who is willing to not use porn.
As long as you are willing to accept that there might be pornographic images present occasionally (he might be at a friends house and see an image, or be sent a joke image on his phone, or come across some spam online) then there should be no problem. As long as you accept that he isn't actively pursuing porn, or using it to masturbate, but that there might be porn in your lives occasionally then I think this will work just fine.
I was thinking back to my old boyfriends, and I can't say that porn was ever an issue in those relationships. I honestly believe that had I asked them to they'd probably stop watching it. I don't think they'd object or that it'd be an issue really. None of them had a close relationship to porn.. I lived with one boyfriend for over a year and I actually can not recall one time that he watched porn..? Another boyfriend even told me he prefers to fantasize about ME rather than watch porn (trust me I didn't lead on to that answer, I have psycho fantasies myself and was actually fishing for something way differently that that answer).
So, come to think of it, I don't see why this would be an issue. If he's into you then he'll probably not mind not using porn. Another friend of mine doesn't like porn either and her boyfriend doesn't use it unless they can't see each other for a while (and he's someone who excessively masturbates even).
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reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (28 June 2012):
 Just make it clear in the beginning that usage of porn is a deal-breaker. Mention it casually, while bringing up the topic. Or else, pretend you don't mind your man watching porn in order to make the guy tell you the truth. It's not easy but there are lots of men who don't watch porn and I'm sure not all men are liars as you tend to believe.
I too don't date porn users. I asked my current boyfriend pretty early on what he thinks about porn. He was totally against it and it worked for us.
I don't agree that your target group should be the intensely religious. They're mostly hypocrites. Find sensitive men who support feminism and wouldn't dream of encouraging exploitation and objectification of women for their own pleasure. Hard to find, but not impossible.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (28 June 2012):
 Oh, I forgot. If there are any porn activist sites run by men locally, you might find luck there. You're looking for a rare person, but go where they are.
The site "yourbrainonporn.com" has a discussion board filled with men working to erase porn from their lives. You could try them, but keep in mind, those are the once-users of porn who are working on being "rebooted". Relapse is possible.
Good luck.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (28 June 2012):
You should go find a guy in places or social circles where the stigma of watching porn and their moral choices about watching it are strong.
In short, you're probably looking for the same kind of guy who will wait until marriage for sex, devotes himself to keeping his mind and body pure, and adheres to a strict and probably ingrained moral code since childhood.
In short, your best bet is with the intensely religious. Christian or Muslim, you're looking for a much more ideological guy, one who detests "sin" and is very much involved in his church or mosque or temple.
That doesn't allow perfection, as there are hypocrites even in those social circles (40% of pastors have admitted to porn use at least once per month), but your chances are higher there.
Otherwise, it is simply an ask and trust situation. You can't control someone's private life, but rather trust that what they're telling you makes you both compatible.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (28 June 2012):
If you find yourself unable to give trust to someone they perhaps you are not ready for a relationship? Being in a relationship isn't about controlling another person, or knowing absolutely everything they do/think/plan. It's about loving them, and trusting that they love you in return, and trust them to respect you. If you at some point find out that they've played you for a fool then you leave the relationship.
Your initial negative outlook on men, and about their ability to be honest, is going to prevent you from having a healthy relationship. You can't ever KNOW if someone doesn't cheat or you, lies to you, hides things from you etc. You got to trust that they don't. You got to use your common sense and leave someone who you can't trust, or who you know is a liar. But you got to start with initial trust until that trust has been broken.
Not all men need or want porn, that's a silly cliche. You start off by saying that you want to be in a relationship where there is no use of porn, talk about compromises if you can, or tell them that this is a deal breaker to you. Then you let them decide if they want a relationship with you (without porn) or not. If they say they do then you got to trust them on that.
People don't lie unless they are liars. It's not like every man on earth is a liar, or like every man on earth wants to watch porn. You're generalizing way too much.
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reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (28 June 2012):
Noo I don't mind if they have used it but I don't want them using it in a relationship with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): *don't go
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): Just ask them on the first date if they use it or not, problem solved.
If you're scared of them lying then just be sneaky about it and say you don't mind porn.
Then just go on a second date with guys who do watch it or have ever in their lives watched it.
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