A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do guys consider a friend with benefits.I don't see a problem kissing someone, touching and possibly maybe giving a hand job or him fingering me as friend with benefits even if it happens a lot.I do think giving blow jobs, him going down on me and obviously sleeping with someone as a friends with benefits.I have gotton myself into a situation where I do like someone but I am not willing to be considered a friend with benefits we do the kissing etc. but I will not go any further and he wants to know why. I am considering just saying that I can't/wont go any further because we want different things and although I have acted completely out of my normal character (quite shy) I don't feel I want to go any further on the basis of friends with benefits but I am relucant to do so because I know he will probably say fine it was fun while it lasted.I think this guy is playing me a little trying to act all cool, how can I put it to him in an email/text that I do like him but wont do a friends with benefits because I know he will ask why not, he is very witty and confident and I feel like I need to put it in words in a god way to say yes i like you and what we do but (THEN I NEED HELP WHAT TO PUT)Thanks for any input
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blow-job, fingering, friend with benefits, hand-job, kissing, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, raiders  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 If you want a relationship you need to stop giving him hand jobs and allowing him to finger you. This has to stop
I agree with CindyCares tell him you want a monogamous relationship and go from there.
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Guys define "friend with benefits" as "F**K BUDDY" All the thrill without the dreaded commitment-sort of like going bungy jumping and saying you're offing yourself..all the trill w/o the commitment You're a standby booty call, girl. If you like that, then go for it. It sounds as if you know already, in your gut, that this guy is just using you and you're not really cool with that. So clamp down on the binders and bring it to a full stop. Either we go legit or it's an absolute no play thing. Don't like it, dude? There's the door. Otherwise, play his game and don't look for anything more meaningful than a blowjob!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 When he asks why not just tell him the truth. You dont want to be concidered as a "friends with benefits" as you don't want that! Simple and easy. You are looking for something else than being his sex toy.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (30 April 2010):
 call me silly but I would think the truth is much simpler than anything creative you're trying to figure out to say.I dont want to be friends with benefits because I want more in my life than a f**k buddy. I want love, romance, the whole enchilada. While what we did was fun, I don't want to get attached to you knowing you don't feel the same way. I am not going to hurt myself on purpose. Call me if you ever want more than just a f**k buddy. By that I mean a real girlfriend.people will get away with what you let them. He'll keep doing what he's doing as long as you let him. Why buy the cow? If you're letting him do it all without commitment or responsibility to you, why would he want something else? It'd be like you going to a shoe store and they said go ahead, take any shoes you want. Why would you pay for shoes they gave you for free?Think of it that way and now you have your answer as to why he's asking you why thinks can't go on the same.IF he cares for you, he'll want something more. If he doesn't, he'll throw you out. But why would you want a man who only values your sexual part? That doesn't make sense to me.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I think you need to stick with your principle. It's against your character. 1st, define character, "way of being...the foundation of who you are." At no time should you change your character to please someone else. Changing or reformatting who you are for others causes a loss of identity or real knowing of who you are or what you stand for. Those who appreciate a girl with a strong character will be your friend for the long haul. Others who do not, will disappear, but that's okay because they don't have respect for you.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (30 April 2010):
 A friend with benefits is someone you have sex with and there are no strings attached. No feelings, no dating, no awkwardness as far as sleeping over till then next day. Just sex. (including handjobs, blowjobs, etc)
Very rarely does it truly work. In the end, somebody usually gets attached and wants more. And a lot of times one person gets hurt.
If this guy only wants sex and you want more, you're better off just staying away from him. If he wanted more, most likely he would be showing it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 darling, there are no magic words that can make people do what we want them to do against their will.
What you were planning to tell him is clear and sensible :
no, I am not gonna go any further because we are not on the same page and we want different things in terms of relationships. BUT,you are afraid that he will say : ok then, it was nice to meet you.
So what you want him to say instead is : Ok,then, we'll have a committed relationship, I'll be your boyfriend and you'll be my girlfriend. But it's very improbable that this happens, no matter how you form your sentences. You know that,right ?
Don't let him or anybody pressure you into any kind of sexual act that you do not wish to do. You do not owe anybody explanations about the how and why - it's YOUR body, you decide whom to share it with and when. If you really feel like elaborating, tell him take you have decided you are gonna have sex only when you'll be in a monogamous relationship with someone who cares about you as much as you care about him. I don't see what anybody can object to that.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Seems to me you are getting hung up on the label 'friends with benefits'. It's just a label, and can mean different things to different people. For instance, I would put kissing and certainly a hand job in that category, even though you don't.
But it doesn't matter anyway, it's just a label.
Are you having trouble knowing what to say to this guy because you don't know what you want? What do you want? Do you want a relationship? A boyfriend? Commitment? If that's what you want, then make sure you get that or don't play.
If you just want sex, then be clear that's what you want. It sounds like you don't want that.
Or do you just want a friend? If so, great, but then stop with any kissing and hand jobs etc and say 'i just want to be a friend, no sex'.
Make your mind up, then tell him what you are looking for between the two of you. Be specific, don't be use a vague term like 'friends with benefits' because it's too open to interpretation.
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