A
female
age
36-40,
*arkeyedgirl
writes:My boyfriend came home one night and told me he had something to tell me. He'd been partying with some coworkers and had kissed one of them. I stayed calm. I didn't get mad. I tried really hard to be understanding. I just asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He said he didn't know. He still loved me, but was a traveler, and I guess he was grappling with the desire to move on. He didn't give me much more information. I just started to sob. I cried myself to sleep. He held me.The next night he texted me and told me he was going to another party with the same people. The next night the same. And then a few more parties that week. The next week he didn't lift a finger for my birthday. I never got mad, never made a big deal out of it, just because, again, I was trying to be understanding. People make mistakes.He held me every time I cried, if he was around. But he never really opened up about what was in his mind and was just incredibly distant. All these things together built up and I crumbled under the stress of it. I was so incredibly in love with him and the thought of losing him was torture. I did sob, very hard. In six months we'd never had a fight, and he'd only seen me cry when my cat died. I'm normally a very stable person. But this just broke me.When he went away for three weeks he refused to talk to me for being so emotional. After about a week of the silent treatment someone told me he'd talk to them about cheating on me..... and after all this I sort of believed it. I called numerous times to ask him to talk about it but before I could bring it up he'd tell me he was way too busy and hang up. So I finally broke down and wrote him a pretty angry email. Obviously this was not the right way of dealing with it, but I was pretty much at a loss.About two weeks after that night he told me he broke up with me, saying I was being way too dramatic and obviously we couldn't be together. He couldn't travel if I couldn't not freak out like this. He told me I'd totally pushed him away.My question is, have you ever been cheated on, and how dramatic were you?I feel like if I had really been dramatic I would have thrown all his stuff out my window and ripped all our pictures up, removed him on facebook and refused to talk to him for a week.He seemed to think I was way beyond unreasonable, to the point that it was impossible to be with me. I realize tears and insecurity are really hard to cope with..... but everyone falls down once in a while. I've held friends through much, much worse and not given up on them.... Everyone falls down once in a while. And I would try to give anyone at least a second chance if this was the first time they'd ever acted this way and I had caused it.When you get cheated on, what emotions are to be expected?Did you cry? How long did you cry for? How long did it take you to trust them again? Or did you just break up with them? Did you lose your temper with them? Did you ever yell? Was my angry letter really horrible? Or was it just overdue?Any feedback you guys have would really help me. I'm struggling with a lot of guilt and remorse and shame. I feel like I drove him away. Or was this just an excuse for him to travel guilt free?I want to know if I was unreasonable or not so I can do better in the next relationship, know where I should have stood up for myself and said something or if I need to learn to not let my anxieties get the better of me.
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female
reader, loraemoon  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 you are a very brave understanding woman, i admire you, i too was cheated on, im 30 now but firstly i was married had children was happy for 11 years, i left him for someone i knew from school told me he always fancied me wanted me, would take on my 4 children, even though he had twin girls with the woman he was with, yet he didnt live with them, he told me everything i wanted to hear i felt happy and flattered and i surpose exited at the time, i met up with him we had sex,he told me him n his girlfriend were over he only went round there to see his girls put them to bed ect.he used to come round to me a few evenings a week when my kids were in bed,, always talking n telling me he loved me didnt want her ect, i was always very optamistic about this, turned out the times he wasnt with me he was with her, i waited outside her house one night in the freezing cold and caught him pulling his trousers up he stood there n blatently lied tried to ignore me, i was so hurt distraught, i didnt know what to do, although my kids hadnt met him i still in a sence broke there home up to be with him and hed done this even told me on two seperate occasions his daughter was in hospital having breathing problems and thats why he couldnt come round but i later found out by his girlfriend that it was not true, sick head!!! my world fell apart i cried and cried felt i didnt want to carry on anymore, but with lots of surport from my friends and my ex husband!!! i got through it, im now with someone else, i wish i could say its been a bed of roses but it hasnt hes lied n lied to me n it hurts so bad, hes lied about girls hes slept with before me hes lied abt ringing his ex only a few mths ago untill i got proof, i thought hes been lying about a lot and it seems he has, i dont know what to do, but i can say u are so brave for being so calm, i could not be like that but good on you and i hope you do find your happy ending,
A
female
reader, VictoriaK  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 Wow!! You are very patient, I wish I had your patience. Now on to your problem. before I met my husband, I dated a guy who cheated on me, and you can bet that I cried, and yelled at him, and after about 3 days of being angry, and not wanting to talk to him, I packed all of my stuff and left.
I don't think you should let anyone walk on you, and that's what he's doing. He made a mistake, told you about it, and then does it again, and again because he thinks because you're so patient, that it wont bother you. Obviously it has bothered you!! You have every right to send emails to him that aren't "nice". He wasn't nice to you, so you're just returning the favor.
Any feelings you have when someone cheats on you are perfectly normal, because everyone has different reactions. And you did not drive him away, he did it himself, and you said it yourself. He was looking to be able to do these things and travel guilt-free. Not fair to you whatsoever, and I think your best bet, is to think really hard about it.
If a guy had done that to your best friend, you'd be pretty upset with him right? well it's the exact same, except it's you! You always come first hun, don't ever forget that. Move on, and don't feel guilty for driving him away, you didn't.
*Much love and luck*
Victoria K
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (7 July 2010):
You have been strangely calm and understanding about the whole situation, you are better off without him.
He cheated on you and then carried on going out with the same people and then didn't talk to you while he was away, he was lucky you let him out of your site so soon.
you are better off without this man because he is not understanding, doesn't respect you and doesn't care about your relationship.
he even told you he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with you anymore.
move on from this man and find someone who will give you what you need from a relationship, caring, stability, thoughtful and un selfish.
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