A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We had a conversation with my husband yesterday. things are not going well with us for quite a long time now. And I am a bit puzzled with what he means. Please don't advice me to ask him directly. I know how he is, he ll never tell me anything to clear the situation up. We ve been married for a very long time. I am in my 40s and married him when I was still a teen. We have an adult daughter who lives separately and no other children.He is not a bad man, but he has his tricks and habits that drive me nuts to the point that I am constantly upset with him. We have sex on a special ocassions, literally few times a year. He is ok with it, and so am I. But I am not ok with having so little sex in my life, I just don't feel like doing it with him. I started going on vacations by myself around 5 years ago and I love it. I become calm and happy, I talk to people, guys invite me out, and sometimes I go, but nothing happened so far, as I am still trying to be a good wife. But wheni come home, all I think is about sex. When i come home, I become miserable very fast. I don't miss him when I am away, and never want to come home. I drink more when I am home, to the point that I notice it, gain weight, and can't sleep well. After yesterday's party we came home, having a little fight in a car. He was as ussual trying to prove me wrong. I was so tired, even few drinks didn't help me to relax. And I asked him if we sould think about other living arrangements. He said, he understand what I mean, but he really doesn't know how to deal with it,as we are involved financially, and even after we sell our house, we can only buy smaller one house without mortgage and another will be mortgaged again, and he would have to take the mortgage on, and also pay for my house taxes and insurance, which will come to quite a bit. He also said that he wouldn't want me to participate in business if we do that because he doesn't want hostile inviroment at work, and I would have to find a job, which he doesn't seem possible as I didn't work for all these years, and he doesn't know who will hire me with so many young people jobless. He also added that knowing how I am with comfort and activities thati enjoy, he cant see me going down few grades only because we decided to split households.He said he can't stand the disrespectfull manner I developed when I talk to thim, and he also would like to change things,he just doesn't see it possible with us being financially co-dependent. I was a little shocked, to say the truth. He sounded like he was thinking about it also and quite a lot. He actually gave me numbers trying to show me how it is impossible with finances to split up our lives and keep the same standards of living, traveling and hobbies. And then he said something that left me speechless. He said he doesn't stop me from doing what I want to do, if I want to travel more and have more time to myself, he doesn't mind at all. It doesn't mean we have to live separately. He said, he feels like he wants to do more with his life also. He also confessed that he started drinking a bit more, and he had a great and calm time when I was away this time, and kind of was dreading me coming back home. I couldn't even answer to him, and went to my room, and fell asleep. In a morning he made coffee for me, but we didn't talk. My question is what do you all think he ment? The same as I am thinking, that he basically doesn't mind me having my own life with me dating someone, but he wants to keep living together only because of money issue? And he wants to do the same? I don't really know how to react to this and how to actually go ahead with it, if this is what he ment. The funny part is that we are going on vacation together in September for almost 2.5 weeks, it's all planned and paid for. I am extending it for another 3 weeks just myself, staying with my daughter for a week. What to do about that? I am in turmoil right now. I talked to my friend before I wrote it here, and she told me that considering everything that was going between us for the past years she thinks it would perfect for both of us. She said, many women would just dream about layout like that. Just want to hear other thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): Of course when you divorce you'll suffer financially that's just economics 101. When you live with a roommate your bills get halved. When it is a legal marriage you save even more on tax breaks and health insurance and other stuff.
If you have been working equally in the business why would your husband have to pay spousal support? Why does he think you wont be able to get a job on your own?
I guess you need to decide if you value material goods and luxury (such as nice vacations) over personal freedom? Because you are in a situation where money has become your prison.
Like someone else wrote - living separate lives while married is a good short term solution but it will prevent either of you from having a normal romantic relationship with anyone else in the future. Most people in their right mind wouldn't want to get romantically involved with someone who is still married and living with their spouse. They will doubt your honesty and character. They will question you if you're supposedly single then why are you married? That will kill a new budding relationship before it even starts because they form an opinion of you early on based on the fact that you're still married. They will either see you as not interested in them (and thus they will look elsewhere) or as being dishonest and disloyal character if you do show interest in them.
If your husband is the first to find a new love interest she will likely demand he finally cut you off. Do you want to wait until some other woman decides when it is time for you to take the financial hit of a divorce? Why not steer your own ship?
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 This could be a sensible way to start separating your lives. If it works maybe it will make things easier when you take the next step - divorce.
He isn't necessarily right when he says you will have no money or will never find a job. You will only know that when it happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): It's not just his money, it's ours.when people live together for so many years there is no such thing as his money. If I go to court they will make him support me, after all these years of marriage and raising his child. Also may be you missed that part but I am working in our business.
What he was talking about is not about me being dependent on him, but both of us depending on a situation where if we were to live separate we BOTH would suffer financially with extra expenses.
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A
female
reader, loony89 +, writes (10 August 2013):
This sounds amazing. It sounds like you both are extremely unhappy with your marriage but you know that divorce is not an option. I think you know exactly what he is suggesting and he does too. Be married legally but divorced in your life. I think you want to enjoy life without him and he does too. It's a really horrible sign when you love vacations and dread coming home and he loves when you're away and dreads you coming home too! It seems there is no hostility and he has put a lot of thought into it. This is a dream arrangement you get the keep all the good things about your life and change the bad, which is your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): What are you in turmoil for? You basically have wanted for years to not he married to him anymore save for the money he provides you that allows you to live the comfortable lifestyle you've grown accustomed to. You're basically using your husband as a cash cow.Why is it any surprise to you that he doesn't like you much either and is happier when you're not around?Now you have learned that he too doesn't want to be married to you save for the fact he doesn't want his standard of living go down either from having to pay for an extra house of you divorce.Basically both of you acknowledge that you don't like each other, you only see each other as roommates but where one roommate is financially dependent on the other and the other is obligated to continue financially supporting the dependent one.Basically you should stop being a coward when it comes to sacrificing some material comfort. You don't want to be around him and he doesn't want to be around you. So you can agree to live separate lives under the same roof. That's fine and doable up to a certain point which is until one of you meets and falls in love with someone else and wants to marry them and start a new normal life with them. Then your current arrangement of financial dependence on him and his financial obligation to you will hinder that new relationship and cause resentment in the new party and a feeling of bitterness in the other spouse. If its him who wants to marry again you will be left high and dry and get bitter. Or his new gf will get mad that her bf is tied down. If its you who wants to start a new life with a new man your husband will get bitter that you were happy to take his money all along and use him until it was safe for you to jump ship with another man to be your cash cow. Or maybe he will be relieved to finally be free of the burden that he sees you as. In which case it is wrong for you to currently be making yourself into his burden when you don't even respect or like him. That's using him. Get a job and stop expecting a guy you don't even like to give you money for everything. There just is no happy ending to your type of arrangement unless neither of you ever develops feelings for anyone else and never desires to partner up with anyone else and start a new normal lide with a jew partner until one of you dies and frees the other that way. Can you guarantee that? What about him?why not just let go all the way now and not wait until one of you dies?The healthiest thing is to divorce and accept the financial hit and learn to live within the new financial constraints. Want to be on your own without him then go all the way. Without him also means without his money. You are still young and healthy and able bodied so you can work and support yourself like a normal healthy adult. Don't be like a child relying on someone else to pay for everything you need and want. Trying to hold onto his money via this convoluted arrangement will only impede your personal life and his because it is not normal or wise for one able bodied adult to be dependent on another. Being so is tying your life to his which is fine if you're in love and committed to each other but a nightmare if you're not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): You sound like you are on the same page with each other...
But good luck finding someone who is happy to be with you long term while you are married and living with this man.
What if you or he falls in love with someone else? You all live under the same roof?
It is sad that you find yourselves in this position and I hope you come to a mutually agreeable arrangement.
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