A
female
age
36-40,
*adisonburger
writes:Hello, I'm writing here because I need some advice whether I should ask my boyfriend to marry me or not. I've been dating this guy for 18 months now. He was my coworker, he's around 10 years older than I am (I'm 27). When we started this relationship, we just knew that we want a "serious thing " but we wanted to take it slow. As the time goes by, I have finally assured myself that he's "the one". I kept giving him the clue but he couldn't read/catch those clues (that I wanted him to proposed me). Around 6 months ago, I asked him about our goals (where we were going etc) and he said, "I can't promise you anything. I'm just confused..." BUT we didn't break up.The last 6 months, I've been trying to be a better girlfriend. I just turned 27 and I thought this age is a perfect age to get married - and considering he's much much much older than me, I think he's supposed to think about it too, right? Recently, I read a book that said men are not good mind-reader so women have to say about what they want/need - do not wait for miracles to happen. After reading that book, I think I have to tell him about my desire to get married. Probably not soon, but he has to know that I AM preparing myself to get married, I am ready to move one step ahead. I'm not challenging or pushing him, but it's just kinda an FYI. He has to realized that relationship is about 2 people not only him.But I'm afraid that this would hurt his ego. But if I didn't deliver my thought and desire, I will be trapped inside my junk thought...always questioning why he never pop up "that question". Our relationship is great, we fight a lot but we always reconcile and nothing serious.So my real questions are:- Is it okay to tell a guy (our boyfriend) that we want to get married (of course with him)?- Will that question hurt his ego?- If a women cannot tell a guy to marry him, what should we do to give him a sign that we're ready to move a step ahead?Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
co-worker, move on, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, madisonburger +, writes (13 August 2013):
madisonburger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thank you all for your answers! Actually yesterday I just asked him on our way home after a short-and-fun date. He smiled and answered, 'Do you really want to talk about this right now?' He meant this conversation can take a long time and we only have short time when he riding me home, so let's talk about this next time.So we haven't talked about this yet but I am feeling SO RELIEVED because I say what I wanna say, I ask THAT big question. I thank you @anonymous for encouraging me.@So_Very_Confused Do I have to prepare for the worst? I'm not well prepared and I'm scared that I will lose this relationship but I think you are true. I just couldn't sit here and wasting my time, hurting myself by wondering what is wrong with us. I hope I did it right and he would understand why did I ask that question :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 August 2013):
 I don't think it's about his ego...
I think it's perfectly fine for you to say to him after 18 months that you think it's time to start making permanent plans.
Are you prepared for him to NOT want to marry you? What will you do? Will you stay with him?
Here's my take on it. I've been married 4 times. My current husband told me when he met me (and we hooked up for fun and games) that he was NEVER getting married. That he did not BELIEVE in marriage and that marriage was stupid and not needed. Three days before we left for our wedding trip I told him "we don't need to get married" and he insisted we did. HE wanted to get married. He had wanted to marry me after about 6 months together.
EVERY man I have ever been with more than 6 months has wanted to marry me.... and they did. MEN who want to marry get married WHEN they meet the right girl.
My husband was 39 when he married me. Our friends who got married 3 weeks before us, first marriage for both... he was 52 and she was 40... it just took them that long to find each other...
If after 18 months of talking and he says he's confused, I'm telling you that you need to be prepared that this man is NOT going to want to marry you and that it will come down to ending the relationship or settling for him on his terms.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): I'm glad to help :-)
'I'm afraid to begin any conversation about our future plan, my plan'
- It is one of those difficult talks because a lot is at stake so I understand that you're scared. But you can't keep quiet about it for the next 10 years and wait for him to read your mind. You already know what you want. It's up to you to take the right steps to make it happen. The first step to fulfilling your personal dreams is to have that talk. He might be on the same page as you, but it is also a possibility that he doesn't want marriage and children. There's nothing you can do to change his feelings either way. What you can do is to find out what he is thinking and whether your individual goals are compatible.
'I'm afraid if I start conversation about this, we'll break up or it will change our relationship'
- His feelings / expectations about your relationship exist regardless of whether you have this conversation or not. If you talk and find out that your goals are incompatible and break up as a result, then that is better for you both because you will both be free to find someone else who wants the same things as you. Ofcourse it will hurt if it came to this. But in the long run, how happy will you be to sacrifice everything you've ever wanted? Ignoring the conversation now is only delaying the inevitable because the same question will still be a white elephant in the room until you iron it out.
It's better you hurt now than 'waste' another 5 years hoping for marriage with him if he knows he definitely doesn't want that.
If you don't want to hurt his ego, ask 'innocent questions' when you're both relaxed. For example, if you see a cute baby on TV or something, casually ask - 'Baby, do you see us having kids anytime soon?'
He'll either say yes, maybe or be horrified. But he'll have a knee jerk response. And then drop the subject for a few days... You'll have planted a seed and he'll realise that you're thinking about it. Then after a few days you say something like. You know, after that baby question, I've been thinking about where we're going. What do you see for yourself? Professionally? kids? Wife? Where? When?
Allow him to feel comfortable enough to be completely open with you because there's no point putting pressure on him to give you the answers that you want. Then tell him that you really want to get married and start a family within the next 3 years if that's what you want. Ask him what he thinks about that.
That sort of conversation gets the ball rolling and you can then both work on compromising / splitting up depending on what stage you're at in your lives.
I wish you well xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, madisonburger +, writes (11 August 2013):
madisonburger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your response, I really appreciate that.
That's the point, I'm afraid to begin any conversation about our future plan, my plan, my desire to get married, because he's so much older and I don't know anything about what's on his mind. I'm afraid if I start conversation about this, we'll break up or it will change our relationship. I want to sit with him and talk about everything but I don't want to hurt his ego and I don't want to be hurted either.
I want to talk with him but how to start? :(
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. I sat down with him and said my goals in life are xyz within x amount of time. What are yours? Simple as that. We agreed on timeframes so we are now both relaxed in the moment because we've agreed on OUR future plans. If he decides when the agreed comes that he's changed his mind or that he's not sure then he knows we go our separate ways.
It's not confrontational, it's matter of fact. After all, you don't want to waste each other's time if you're not heading in the same direction.
You're not asking him to marry you you because you want him to. You're asking him if and when he wants to marry you out of his own accord.
...............................
|
