A
male
age
30-35,
*C9182
writes:Hi there, smart people.I'm looking for some help with a few questions that are bothering me to the point of giving me physical symptoms. I've had a very unhealthy relationship roughly 4 years ago that I have spent a long time recovering from, I've become a jealous type due to that and I try my best not to be clingy nor noisy. I don't check her phone, I don't read any messages she sends to others or listen in on phone calls. However, prior to this relationship, I explained to her how important it was to me to remain truthful and faithful and that I was still quite scarred from the past but I wasn't judging her to be like my ex-girlfriend, but I'd need a slow start in order to gain my senses and trust back in people. She agreed upon it and it was alright from then..However, one thing that has really bugged me out is the fact that she is /really/ bad at answering back on text messages or phone calls. I text her a couple of times during the day and sometimes when we agreed upon meeting up or such and I need some information like if we should go out and eat and such.. And she is always really late on responding.. Can take between 30 minutes to 4 hours. It's no problem really since that's usually because she's either at school or working, but what bothers me is that she is always checking her phone whenever we're together and always on facebook despite I texted her and I've confronted her about it multiple times and she always defends herself saying she is "doesn't know what to say" or that she was occupied.I became a little paranoid and realized how much this was bugging me because I would notice she would be on facebook on her phone and yet unable to answer my calls. She has told me she still keeps contact with her ex-boyfriends which also bothers me extremely! She brought it up so it wasn't me being nosy. I told her straight forward that I didn't like it and such things because while we were out on a walk, I overheard him on loudspeaker saying how I didn't matter and that he missed her.. She usually reacts to it as if it was a joke he made and when I got extremely furious regarding it, she got upset and started making it sound like I was the one making a mistake here. A lot of the things she always talk about is about the vacations she's gonna go on and how she can't wait to "party and get drunk 24-7" on the vacations.. Now, I don't mind her partying on her own but when she's on alcohol, she doesn't have /any/ boundaries and that's something she things she has when she's sober. Before, we were just friends and she would literally flirt and kiss any male that laid his eyes on her so I'm not feeling very confident about her future trips.Is there any way I can become more relaxed and take it slow or is there any changes I can do on my own? I know you can't change a person how you want that person to be, so I assume I have to do the changes.. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading it all through.. If you did :)
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female
reader, jlheinemann +, writes (8 November 2015):
Well, I have to say, it sounds like this girl you are so interested in is rather immature and perhaps enjoying attention from lots of other men. So I am cautioning you about getting so fixated on her being so attuned to your needs. I think she is very likely not as interested in dating you as you are her exclusively. Have you had that conversation? It seems you have reason to suspect she is cavorting around with other guys, at least emotionally. Before you get all jealous and do something rash, it would be better for you to realize you can do better and move on to a girl who deserves your attention and devotion.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2015): First of all, your age-group listed above your post is 18-21. Four years ago you would have been only between 14-17!
Seriously, dude?!! If you're still carrying around baggage from an old relationship, you're not ready for a new one.
You can date, but really shouldn't get too serious with a girl until old wounds are completely healed. No one has the responsibility to tiptoe around the feelings you had and never got over for another person. Work on that!
The girl you're with is not as into you as you're into her obviously. You're a rebound boyfriend baby-sitting her while she's trying to get back with her ex. You're getting paranoid and angry. If she doesn't respond to your calls right on time but she's always on her phone, it's because she always on her phone. She's a Facebook addict, keeps in touch with exes, and has a short attention span. Those sound like deal-breakers to me.
You can't bully girls into liking you. They have to do it of their own free will, or you just dump them. Keep your temper in check young man. That's even worse than anything you've claimed she has done. Losing your temper with females is bad news. You better check that too!
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