A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What causes a man to constantly criticise a girl that he's seeing? My boyfriend does this a lot. At first id laugh about it,because he always says it jokingly. But now I'm really starting to feel hurt by some of the things he says. For example,if I'm having a bad hair day or something and I say "wow my hair is a mess today", he will chuckle and say something like "your hair is a mess every day".He always is correcting my speech. I'm from a small, sort of country type area and he finds some of the words I use absolutely hilarious,and will correct me constantly.I'm kind of scatter brained sometimes,and he always uses that as a way to have a good laugh at my expense. He will say things like "there's a hole there,watch you don't trip. I know you don't pay attention".I'm a very passive,and reserved person by nature and I'm not sure that he even understands that this is bothering me. I try to laugh about it,or sarcastically say "thanks a lot"! But a couple times I've felt as if I'm fighting back tears when he says the things that he does. I feel like he thinks I don't live up to his standards in some ways. Like he thinks he's perfect and I should be perfect too. And if he feels that way, why does he even bother with me? What should I do? Do you think he says these things just to try and pick on me and have a laugh,or do you think he's really putting me down, but in a round about way?
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): I hear warning bells. Sorry but I don't think anyone else has picked up on the fact that men often start with these little undermining digs and gradually erode a womans self esteem so they can be controlling or abusive later. The hair comment is particularly an example of an abusive comment. Abusive comments that make you feel emotionally upset is 'abuse'. Next time you receive a comment like that you need to be specific and say "I find your comment hurtful and I don't want you to keep saying things like that to me. Its not acceptable." Don't laugh at it any more because you are not over-sensitive or wrong and should not try and hide it. He is wrong. Give him a chance to see the error of his ways and treat you with respect. On the point of the hair again... a loving partner would say "Hey you, don't worry about it." or "We all have bad hair days every now and then you are too hard on yourself." I wonder if there are other things you might consider about your boyfriends actions day to day that concern you? If you type 'emotional or verbal abuse' into a search engine you will see that constant criticism is a very obvious example of it. Tell him what you will and will not accept. If he doesn't change it will show he doesn't care. He should care about your feelings. You must then make a decision about whether you want to be with someone who doesn't care about you.
A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (14 July 2009):
Why? Probably because he isn't an overly caring or considerate person. Don't take it personally. Take it as a measure of the sort of person he is.
...............................
A
male
reader, Your friend +, writes (14 July 2009):
 It doesn't matter why he says there things what matters is how you stop him. Next time he does it tell him that although it has been a joke and even some fun you now want it to stop because it is affecting how you feel about yourself. Tell him that it would be nice if he did the opposite and started to give you some compliments. What he says will tell you what he thinks of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): To be honest these are questions you should be asking him. I have a similar sense of humour to him and while I never meant any of the things I said to be derogatory or hurt my girlfriend in any way, it did nonetheless, I couldn't believe what I said had such an effect on her because I didn't mean any of it and I was sure her knowing that would be enough.
As soon as she sat me down and we discussed it I had no qualms about cutting it out. Talk to him and make it clear that those thing's hurt and are seriously getting you down. You'll know by his reaction whether he's trying to put you down or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, baybee-x-sparkii  +, writes (14 July 2009):
 Try sitting down with him and explaining it. A good joke is fun for a while but as soon as it gets even slightly offensive you need to tell him how you feel. Do it sarcastically if need be, bite back a little bit otherwise he will keep doing it....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): My ex did the same thing and finally admitted it was because he felt very insecure and wanted me to feel bad so I'd never leave him for someone else. It's not healthy and eventually will really get to you and will make you feel bad about yourself. He most likely does think you're perfect and that scares him. Ask him why he puts you down all the time. He could actually think it's just the two of you being fun and comfortable with each other, who knows. Let him know it makes you sad, but not in an accusing sort of way.
...............................
|
