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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: So I'm in big trouble. I haven't been happy in my marriage for years now. I still love my husband and like him but not like I used to, he is an alright person but does some questionable things. He has been unfaithful with another woman. However he is trying harder now that I have mentioned divorce. He is really really against us getting a divorce. That's not the issue. The issue is.... He has a co-worker ( kind of) whose been working for the same company for 4 yrs. I've heard story after story about him from several people.He sent me a friend request on fb. He had a gf I wasn't interested in him that way and hadn't even looked at his profile. Well this year my husband has been talking about him more and more and since this guy broke up with his gf he has been liking nearly every pic or post I out on fb. SO I checked out his profile. I liked what I have heard about him, he's responsible he's a kind person he is taller than me ( in very tall!! So that's a huge plus) he likes all the same things I do. Anyways I kinda developed a little crush, which was totally stupid because I hadn't even met the guy or talked to him, Then my husband and I ended up in town near where this guy lives. So my husband and I decide to invite him to dinner with us ( because my husband has few friends and im always trying to get him to be more social) Anyways I get the feeling this guy has a thing for me. He's not the type that would do anything with a married woman and I am not going to cheat or even let myself get into a situation where I could. Needless to say my attraction for this man has grown considerably. Not only do I find him extremely attractive physically, but I also really like who he is and what he stands for/believes in. He has a lot of friends and all of them say he's great. Idk how to get over this attraction to him, maybe it will pass but I can't stop thinking about the guy. If my husband and I weren't married I would love to spend more time with this guy and get to know him better. When we left we shook hands and our eyes met and I felt this instant connection when I looked into his warm smiling eyes. My husband and I had sex and all I could think about is this other guy. It's bad. The grass is always greener right? But this feels like more than just a fling attraction. I just feel like I have known this guy forever. I just want him to be in my life, it's not even imagining having sex with him that excites me. I don't know if that makes sense....
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broke up, co-worker, crush, divorce, married woman Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (30 May 2016):
What I get from reading this is that you are trying to use your husbands past indiscretion to justify your current feelings.
Two wrongs dont make a right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): HELP!! Now I am stumped. So my husband and I talked. He was okay with the decision to split up and I started making arrangements to move. Then he gets home the other day and says I can't leave... He started crying and now has been OVER the top nice, caring, clingy, he follows me around everywhere... Texts me constantly when I have to run to town for something... He had yet to tell me how we are going to solve our actual issues. He has done this before. He says give him one more chance and is almost too nice, for like 2-4 months. Then reverts back, I keep getting sucked back in, I feel this is so unhealthy.... But yet I can't help hoping Everytime he does this he will ACTUALLY change..... I just want to have more freedom. I want to go run, or go take a class without him being clingy, jealous... I feel trapped by him and his family... At this point I don't really feel like trying!!! But I know staying married is the right thing to do as a Christian. Do I FINALLY just say "no I can't be here anymore.... I need to think about my emotional health." Or do I stay in hopes that things may change. My husband said he too may want a kid and I told him we would not be having a child ANYTIME soon. He wouldn't make a good father at this time. A child makes NOTHING better in a relationship. And I don't want my child having his mom as a grandmother as mean and harsh as that sounds. She is unstable. I was so ticked that my husband would even suggest that is a possible remedy to our issue.... NO. NO child will help this.....that is NOT an option. Does this mean he is out of other options/ answers???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): I'm the original poster: My husband and I talked. I told him my feelings, my concerns. I didn't tell him I liked this particular guy because I think it would really hurt my husband. We are figuring out the options. Idk if we want to try to make things work for the 1000th time... If we want to do a trial seperation ( no seeing other ppl during) or if we just want to end it, as for the guy that I like... I won't pursue him. Especially if we have a trial seperation. If I move I will be moving 3 hours away from both him and my husband. I have a good friend ( she's married and has 2 kids) that will help me out for a while. She knows our history and she knows I like this other guy. My cost of living will be lower and I'll have more time to find a good job. In the mean time I'm saving up what I can from my job here so I will have a little to live off of. My husband is being very civil in all of this. He will let me take 2 of our 4 vehicles and my dog. That's really all we have to split up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 I'd keep the two issues separated : your " on its last legs " marriage and your crush for this guy.
In a way , crushing on a kind semistarnger is a way to keep things vague and confusing, and to not take responsibility or make firm decisions. In this way you can still be stuck in an unhappy marriage and do not get out of your comfort zone, but you have the mental / emotional escape that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and provides the excitement your relationship is lacking of.
First of all, I would decide , and decide seriously, if I want to stay in this marriage ( I would disadvise you, but, hey it's your husband, you do what feels right for you ) and in this case , do not feed your crush, do not seek getting closer to this new guy, do not invite him over, etc. etec. In fact, cut contacts. Because since you are so attracted to him, staying marriage and indulging your attraction is cheating. Only emotional, but still cheating.
Or, you decide that your marriage has run its course, and operate accordingly. after which, you are free to explore other options, and go see if this kid loving guy is actually the right fit for you. But, take your time , be objective and do not yield to wishful thinking. When we are stuck in a bad relationship, it's easier to think that anybody else is Prince Charming when maybe if we were single we would not be so smitten at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): I'm the original poster, thank you for your responses but here is a few things... I know for a fact that my husband has not chatted me up to this guy. They have only talked a few times even though the work for the same company.
I have really tried to forgive my husband but the trust is definitely hindered. Id love to be with someone who has not broken that bond,
I loved my husband very much, I thought for sure I was marrying someone who would be faithful forever. He hates himself for what he did. But what is done is done and I feel so hurt from how he did it, he was my best friend for years before we married.
And this guy is not the first crush I have had, there are a lot of nice attractive men that look at me. An I think, hmm he seems nice but it doesn't last, But for some reason this guy is different. He's great with kids maybe that's part of it. He is nice to his animals, he just has such a honest, positive, selfless vibe to him. If my husband and I do seperate or divorce I would like spend more time with him even as friends. Even without sex. He's just such a nice person to be around, I know he has flaws, we all have lots. My husband just has over his fair share. Everyone mentions to me how down and mean and negative my husband is. He said it is because I am the best thing to ever happen to him and he screwed it up. But I have been trying my best to make our marriage work, he just hates himself so much it's almost impossible to love him anymore. He can't take a compliment, he always sees the negative side of things.... It's gotten worse and worse. Also my husband has no idea I am attracted to this guy, it would crush him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): You're remaining in a marriage that you never really cared that much about anyway; only for your spouse to cheat on you and make you care even less.
Your crush is only a sign you haven't convinced your subconscious mind you still really love your husband, nor have you really forgiven him. You're just avoiding the stress and uncertainty of divorce. You're merely tolerating your husband. Only your mind and heart are already divorced. In fact, it happened a long time ago. You're there in body, not in spirit. So now you have designs on some other guy; because you want a guy like him.
The grass is always greener on the other side, when you're
unhappy with what you have. He may be a wonderful person, but everyone has flaws. It's easy to see the best in people when you don't have to actually live with them. Sometimes one of the reasons they're so great, is because they have no one in their lives to take it away. Then come people with drama, and it all changes.
It's obsessing when you can't clear something from you mind. So it takes distraction and self-control. You're searching outside your marriage and letting your mind and heart wander; while you keep you hands in your pockets or tied behind your back. Allowing your mind to do what your body won't, is psychological cheating.
If you really want to stay with your husband, put your heart into it. Otherwise; let him go. Your mind already has.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 Are you sure staying married to your husband is what you want? He cheated on you and you forgave him, but have you forgot? Can you still trust him. You mention him cheating so am guessing it is still playing on your mind. Off course he is against a divorce, you let him away with being with another woman.
As for this other man, well maybe that is your minds way off saying the marriage you are in is an unhappy one. Maybe you are looking for an escape.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 It's normal to fall out of love after a spouse cheated. He tarnished what you had, and made the union less special. Of course he is against divorce, but you have to think about what you want too.
"If my husband and I weren't married I would love to spend more time with this guy and get to know him better"
That's enough to get a divorce. Any husband who hears this will lose any motivation to try harder. He needs to see the consequence of what cheating does, and no amount of trying harder can make you forgive.
Even if you stop your urges for this man, it won't be long that you would develop another crush for another man. You yearn for a true connection, a relationship with no trust issues and a man who does not need to look at another woman but you. Your developing crushes is a sign that your husband no longer serves your needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): No doubt your husband talks glowingly about his wife and how gorgeous his wife is and some of that glow has rubbed off on this man. Now he has a crush on you. All because your man is happy.The other guy is without a partner and he wants what your husband adores, you. He's jealous that he doesn't have what your husband has.I love looking at gorgeous guys and I see gorgeous said guys every day. They are everywhere. But I only admire from afar. Just as I might like a flawless Tiffany VVS diamond but cannot afford.Recognise that this guy is lonely. But he should not be making eyes at you.We do not need to act on every crush.Work out where things need spicing up with your husband and do it. Because your husband adores you. This guy now wants what his co-worker has, just because he now has no partner. It's envy and jealousy and he will get over it.But act on the crush and the fall out will be massive
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