A
female
age
36-40,
*ammye17
writes:Dear All,I need help dealing with my negative bitter mother. My mother is a good woman and has been a good mother. She raised 4 kids all by herself after my father fell mentally ill. She is still married to him but unhappily and bitter at her situation at the moment. She is constantly struggling for money since his disability check is not enough to maintain the lifestyle she wished she had. She lives pretty nice because she does have nice things but in an apartment that i know deep down she hates because she wished she had a house. You see my mother loves to entertain. Anyhow, my father lives with her and my younger sister and i feel like he does take advantage at times. he suffers from Parkinson's and schizophrenia but does not help her with the chores he abuses her verbally and it's very draining to deal with him. She said she suffered from him before he got sick according to her. Anyhow, she has become bitter and negative and she doesn't really have friends and she goes to church all the time but i haven't seen the change. I don't think she has peace and at times i don't want to visit her or call her but i still do because she is my mother. Any advice on how to deal with her. I don't want to just push her away.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 I get where you're coming from. Your mother has a lot of frustrations and because she probably feels trapped in her current situation, she has no one to turn to but to you. In her mind, she isn't thinking "Let me bother my child with my problems just to annoy her", she is probably thinking "Wow I'm so stressed and I need to talk to someone. I know (OP) will be there for me and hear me out if I speak to her". Her intention isn't to bother you. She just feels that she can approach you with her stressors and that's something that you should cherish because one day you'll look back and appreciate the fact that she knew she could come to you.
A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (26 May 2016):
tammye17 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you all for giving me that breath of fresh air. You guy's are right. WiseOwl, Thank you!!! i needed that reminder. You are wise!!
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (26 May 2016):
tammye17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for giving me that breath of fresh air. You guy's are right. WiseOwl, Thank you!!! i needed that reminder. You are wise!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): Unhappiness has to vent itself somehow. Your mother feels trapped in her situation, and her mind is constantly rebelling. Yet her old-school ways and loyalty, have kept her in a miserable marriage.
Like so many mature women, she probably feels at her age she's not ready to go single; when she at least has a man in her life. Good or bad. Don't leave out hormonal changes that comes with menopause. It can turn some very sweet women into witches.
Your poor mother has pent-up frustrations and resentment. You're the only thing that keeps her going. She may not show it for all her bitterness, but you've kept her sane. To push her away would be an awful thing to do to your mother. Let compassion remind you of the life she has had, and do your best to try and understand. As long as your dad's in her life, she will be bitter. He is the cause and the culprit. He has deprived her of many things.
Mental illness or no, he has always been terrible to your mother. He is a burden and an irritant.
If you had your mother seek some light counseling, she'd
be able to vent her feelings. She can't vent them to you; because she'd embitter you, and drag you into her misery. She walks around hateful; because she doesn't have the courage to leave your father. Your dad is an albatross around her neck. She's to devoted to the concept of marriage to end it. Perhaps based on her core values and beliefs. Feeling she must honor her vows no matter what.
Partially because she's a caregiver, and she couldn't bear watching him deteriorate into who knows what. At the same time; she'd love to take a suitcase, get on a train, and ride out of town. Never to look back, or return again.
If she found herself a good counselor to talk to; she'd shed some of her internalized anger. She won't do it because, she feels it would place her in the same category as your dad. Mentally-ill. She is a victim of abuse.
She needs counseling, because of the trauma your father has inflicted upon her.
My dear, your mother isn't negative and bitter. She is most likely suffering from post-traumatic stress.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 No don't push her away, she is lashing out because she is having a hard time. She is caring for your dad who is being abusive, that alone is a tough life, and off course she is bitter and angry and that impacts on you and your siblings.
Talk to your mother over a cup of tea and tell her how worried you are about her. It might be best that your dad goes to live in a home where people are equipped to deal with him better, it will also give your mum some space to enjoy her free time. Maybe encourage her to join a hobby.
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