A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’d like to discuss with my husband a possibility of an open marriage but don’t know how to do it. First of all he may think I literarily lost my mind. You see, I was always a good girl/woman, did what was expected of me, while my husband was free spirited and did as he pleased. When we started dating 15 years ago, nobody thought we would last, because of the image he had.Anyway, we never cheated on each other and have been honest. And I’d like to continue that way.We love and respect each other. We’re a good team. We support and complement each other, have projects, manage our budget together, sometimes work together, make plans… and sometimes I wish he were my brother. And I know that he may feel the same. I make him feel safe and loved. Something that he never got from his family.He does not feel really sexually aroused by me. I know he says it’s work, or stress, or whatever, but I know that in a way he sacrificed certain needs when he made a decision to commit. I am fit and athletic, eat a healthy diet and look younger, but I’m not the model type he used to date before me. When you look at the photos of his exs they are nothing like me! Not a single one. Interestingly enough, none of them was nurturing, warm and supportive as I am. I know that I am a safer choice.On the other hand, I sacrificed my need to be with someone who’s warm and sensual when I decided to marry my husband. And I really believed that I can live without it. I appreciated his honesty and directness. We talked about it over the years, but just as I cannot suddenly grow 6 inches he too cannot turn into someone he’s not. (I am oversimplifying things to make this post shorter). Our sex life is and has been somehow mechanical. We want (and miss) two completely different things, I am afraid. He’s obsessed with my physical appearance (and he has the right to be, I am not judging), and I on the other hand would want him to be more sensual, seductive you know, the kind a guy for whom the foreplay begins long before we actually reach the bedroom and cannot be summed up in a sentence “Do you want to have sex?”As fate would have it, we moved far away from home, to another continent and lived in some sort of isolation. I spent the last 10 years focused on my work and overall survival and so has he. We barely had a social life (I missed it, make no mistake). I met so few people that I never met anyone that sparked my interest, until recently.At the workshops I am attending I met someone I liked and wandered what it would be like to be in his arms. Just a random thought. A few weeks later there I was – we were doing an exercise. That guy is not important per se (at least not yet), but the feeling I had while he held me was so strong I really felt his presence, arms, hands, warmth. I became acutely aware that I miss it. So it’s not just about sex.My husband must also miss the things he finds exciting and I wouldn’t want to pretend that it isn’t so or manipulate him or make him feel guilty.So how do I ask him for an open marriage? How do we set the limits (if at all)? I am prepared that he’ll say no and be shocked. But I have to do something.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (30 May 2016):
Open marriages never work in the long term. If you think you are an exception, please see last sentence.
IMO open marriages are an attempt at eating your cake and having it too, which of course in impossible. My guess is what is really going on is you want the sexual excitement from sleeping around, but still want access to your current husbands resources.
You want to sleep with other people, get a divorce.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): I am the OP. Thank you, Anonymous, for your reply.
I jokingly wrote that we should start a business together and get a divorce and maybe that's not such a bad idea.
Yes he is obsessed with looks and it is a problem in the long run. I'm not getting any younger. And it's nit just about ageing, I was never his type to begin with...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): He sounds more like a brother or co-worker than a husband. I think you should plan long term-- do you really want to be with this man in 20 or 40 years? If he is so obsessed with looks, do you think he will stay with you after you start showing age?
I wonder if you could divorce amicably and stay supportive friends?
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): I am the OP and I've just seen the two new replies, thank you!Dionee, I really value what you have said. But, I don't think an open marriage will do just me some good, I think my husband could benefit from it an explore new territories. I wouldn't mind him being with other women. We stay together because we support each other. Maybe we should start a business and get a divorce? ;) We are seeing therapists, but we haven't tried couples therapy. Somehow I just don't believe that it would work when our individual therapies hadn't bring about the change in that regard (I still need somebody sensual etc. while he feels excited by perfect looks).Thank you Anonymous 123 for taking the time to answer. You're right I do feel responsible for him. And it IS a codependant relationship. I've known this for years. In a sense I played his mother - caring for him just as much as he played a father to me (the one I never had) - pushing me to achieve more. We grew and it's difficult to let go. That's why I think that maybe an open marriage would do us good, in the sense that we would get what we need and manage to keep our "family" or simply as a step towards the divorce.I know that his needs can seem shallow but they are as real as mine. And I get that. There was a time when I was bothered by it, but then I just accepted it. When I discuss my needs with him, he feels hurt because it seems as if he isn't trying enough. It's not just part of him and that's that.When we were younger his brooding nature didn't bother me as much, but now as I am getting older it weighs on me. I don't know what makes me think that honesty (and he is honest), intelligence and diligence cannot go hand in hand with warmth, sensuality and a positive attitude.As you can see I don't care much for physical appearance...
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 You problem is with the state of your current marriage. You want to have your cake and eat it too. For a while consider this, why do you want this within your marriage? I think that your marriage is one of convenience in your eyes and you don't want to call it quits because what exactly would that mean for you? You'd have to be a divorcée . . . and by God we cannot have that now can we?! You want both your husband and guy number 2 to be there to attend to your needs while you ignore the real issue. OP, if your relationship doesn't make sense anymore, try fixing what's suffering instead of inviting further trouble into your bed. An open relationship isn't for everyone. You need to realize that you need to analyze your marriage properly before making any decisions regarding it. As you said, he new guy isn't important, so why potentially ruin your marriage over him in particular? Why not leave him out of it and sort out your marriage itself? Why not try some couples' therapy and see if it can improve your marriage in some ways? Even if it helps you vent, that will be good progress. I believe that you certainly do not need an open marriage right now. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 Relationships can be so complicated. I understand where you're coming from because you've summed it all really well in your post... and I feel for you. I really do.
You are both two completely different people with different outlooks and neither has got what they expected from the relationship. He wanted someone who looked different which I feel at some level is superficial because looks don't last forever. Beauty after all, is only skin deep. Unfortunately, he's taken his obsession about your looks too far and has allowed it to influence how he feels about you.
Your demands from him are more realistic and its only natural that you want someone sensual and seductive. Who wouldn't, after all? This has nothing to do with looks, its about how you want your partner to make you feel. My husband comes and hugs me and kisses me from behind when I'm working in the kitchen and believe me, its the sexiest thing ever. I know exactly what you mean when you say that foreplay starts long before you reach the bedroom.
The other man that you've met makes you feel good about yourself. Again, given the state of your marriage, its only natural that you feel physically attracted to him.
For now, however, lets forget the new man and get to the real question. Why are you putting up with this marriage when you know that its almost dead? You have nothing to look forward to and your marriage offers you nothing other than a false sense of security.
Why then is it so important for you to hang on to it?
Don't you think it would be better to be alone and to explore your options without getting into the extremely messy territory of open relationships?
OP no matter what anyone says, once you introduce a third person in your marriage, its effectively over. There can be no much thing as a "happy" open marriage because its an oxymoron in itself. A marriage is a union of two people who are bound to each other and are supposed to be committed to each other. The purpose of marriage was to regularize sexual relations and once two people get married, its understood that they will only have sex ONLY with each other. A third person in this equation means the marriage is *over*. Its not a marriage anymore, its a sham.
As for the guy you met, this is just a first. When you're unhappy, anyone that you meet could offer you a taste of what you've been missing. When you start allowing your mind to wander, your choices widen.
Think carefully about what you want and if an open marriage is really worth it. Lets assume your husband even agrees to it, so what happens next? You have a lover, he gets a lover but then both of you get back home and have dinner and share the same bed at night? Is this really how you want your life to go? You're just in your early 30s', don't do this to yourself. You're basically in a co-dependent relationship where you feel responsible for him and he cant do without you and but this does not a marriage make.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): I am the OP. Thank you for your answer.
Maybe this is just a phase before a marriage disolves? I don't know... I wouldn't want to go behind his back... I just know that I am too comfortable for him to leave. And that if I don't take the initiative he never will, or he'll do it when it's too late for me... Men age differently than women.
He's the only family I have on the other hand and I wouldn't want to lose him or hurt him. So, it's complicated... But I'll try as you say in a roundabout way. I am convinced that for him too it could be a relief. I am prepared that he might meet someone that way and leave me alltogether, but what we're living right now is just not enough...
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 I think I see your problem. You aren't satisfied with what you have, but you don't want to risk losing it altogether. The only thing I can think of is to talk to your husband about open marriage in a roundabout way. In some countries like France it is, allegedly, quite normal. Personally I don't think I could tolerate it.
However if you and your husband can live happily with the arrangement then why not? If you decide to go it alone and have an affair then be discrete. I wouldn't advise it, but if you fall in love then nothing else seems to matter does it. Just don't cause hurt.
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