A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Hi,I have been in a loving relationship for the past year and a half and we are very happy!My boyfriend has an incredibly stressful job, and is currently at a part of his life where he feels as though his life has become stagnant with regards to work and finances, social status etc.I have found through his very short temper and aggression and in general his hate towards some people and their lack of intelligence with the people that he needs to deal with on a regular basis, I have found that I get nervous around him when I sence he is aggitated or in a bad mood. I have realized that when he is on the verge of a further bad mood that I make silly mistakes, and sometimes when he talks or is expressing his anger about something I get nervous and in the process focus so much on what I am doing for eg, if I am driving that I do not listen properly to what he says. It is as if I "zone out"!!I get scared of making a mistake and further aggravating his mood that I say or do something silly or ask a question twice and then he snaps at me or raises his voice and tone.I used to have self esteem issues, and I don't like getting shouted at when I know I didn't deserve it, even if I was in a different state of mind.I am so careful when he is in a mood to not piss him off further and anything sets him off.. someone looks at him a weird way or the service at the grocery store wasn't good he gets mean and snappy at them, or walks away huffing and puffing. Then I, a few minutes later say something or ask something silly and he snaps at me!!I am a soft hearted person, and I am one that prefers to make love, not war and I choose what makes me angry but I just get so afraid of him being angry with me or rasing his voice or changing his tone that I end up making an idiot of myself then when he tells me that I really do not think and that I can really be stupid it hurts me!What can I do to toughen up or is it just that he needs to relax, or am I really that silly?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (1 September 2010):
You are supposed to feel safe and loved in a relationship, not afraid and nervous. If you feel this way, something needs to change. He needs to know he makes you feel this way, and try to change. Or you need to leave and find someone who doesn't make you afraid when you are with them.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (1 September 2010):
You sound like someone's who's afraid. And that's not a good state to be in when it comes to romantic relationships.
Your boyfriend sounds like someone who likes to think of himself as superior, even you. He gets angry when people don't think or act the way he thinks is best. That in itself is a very big character flaw. From what you're writing, you're picking up an agressive, even violent vibe from him and it makes you wary. With reason, because your gut tends to be right on these things.
You don't need to toughen up. He needs to calm the hell down and get his head out of space and his feet on the ground.
Talk to him about it when he seems calm. Explain to him you feel very uncomfortable around him lately and that he seems to get angry over the most trivial things.
If talking doesn't help (people like him often get really defensive. Or he just doesn't keep any promises he gives you), I would call it quits.
You don't need this. You need to be loved and to FEEL SAFE. That is the MOST important thing. Physical abuse is easily started from this point and then it's even harder to get out. Leave now before it gets worse, because it will.
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