A
female
age
,
*herulee
writes:My boyfriend tells me that my best friend is super hot all the time.We have been dating for over a year and he always treats me good. He tells me I am hot too. While on a dinner date alone with him we talked about the night we all met the first time. He said my girlfirend was fun and flirty and I was hard to read. My response was I was a lady in the streets and freak in the bed. He said she was hot, and I said, yea some men find her attractive and some find me attractive. But I dont think she's that hot, he said, but she is. The problem here is that when he sees her, she will ask things like,do my legs look good,or you think I'm hot huh laughingly,he always gives her what she wants to here, but in front of me, she's on top of the world and left feeling less attractive and jealous. While I think that my best friend has her attractive traits, I feel that I am much more attractive. He has left me with the immpression that I was second choice. My feelings are hurt and I don't see it. What can I do to stop it without sounding jealous.
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best friend, flirt, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Cherulee +, writes (9 July 2008):
Cherulee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I had a talk with him about my concerns, and basically got the your the jealous type attitude. I let him know that because he told her that she was hot before, now she looks for the attention. I said I realize she puts you in an akward possition in front of me, but I look right at you hoping to here a different response one time and you always tell her what she wants to here. His response was, what am I suppose to do hurt her feelings! I said no hurt mine instead since I am your girlfriend. He said what should I be saying, I said, I am not going to tell you, you have to respond honestly. I said I don't like to feel jealous, I think it is ugly. I am not jealous of her, but you don't make me feel special, and make me wonder if you would rather be with her. Oh no he says, but that I am jealous and that I am making a big deal of it. I stated I am trying to tell you something important here, I am coming to you to let you know it hurts my feelings and it's disrespectful. I want a honest answer, it's ok, but be honest with me about your attraction towards me. He stated I am not going to tell you what you want to here, I asked what is that, you want me say I think she is hotter than you. Oh frustrating, please I said, I got that down pat. Not getting anywhere. He said I thought you were going to pawn me off on her and give me her number. I said, what, I hadn't thought of it, you can do that on your on. No it's not what I want, Hmmm something not right in that comment. I said well that's enough on this issue.
A
female
reader, Cherulee +, writes (9 July 2008):
Cherulee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the female opinion from both of you. You bring up a good point oldersister. He should handle it differently by saying something like, yea but your more attractive. But he doesn't and I don't want to teach him,then it will feel fake. She asked, do I have great legs and he responded, yea, you to babe, with a stupid grin. I didn't ask for a fake compliment. That's the way it felt. I just looked at him like whatever. I think I know the answer here, and it is that he does think she is hotter as he says. I don't want to seperate the people I enjoy being around, I would rather just let them both be.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 If I were you, I'd plan my time with this woman when he's not around. You don't have to stop hanging out with her, just make yourself less available to her when your man is around. No one has to know there's a strategy to what you're doing and you don't have to look jealous either. I learned this a long, long time ago. We all have friends who are probably more sexy, or beautiful than we are and this is fine. I just don't necessarily have to invite them over when my b/f is at home. But I will plan shopping trips, go to movies with these women, have a drink after work when my b/f is tied up at work or doing other things. That way I can still enjoy my beautiful friendships, and not have to feel like I'm competing with them for my man's attention. If you don't constantly throw them together in social settings, things will be less likely to develop into a full blown insecurity. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Cherulee +, writes (9 July 2008):
Cherulee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes...she is encouraging him, her self asteem is a little down at the moment, acting out of character really. But he created the monster and I just don't get it really. I am not conceited, but feel that I am more attractive than her. I feel that it is more conceited to think I am the only attractive women and that he should not look at other women, stupid grow up right! I realize men see different things in women, like some men prefer larger women. I know this, I can see the beauty in all types of women too. But he is adimate about sticking with it and letting me know, but she is. I got it, but is he wishing he was with her, hmmm. Is doing John Malcovich on me, ha! I don't like to feel jealous, it makes me look even worse. If he does like me, he is going about it the wrong way. Nothing will make me leave him faster than making me think I'm crazy. Thanks I appreciate your advise, really.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): It sounds as though your friend is encouraging his behavior and needs the ego boost from him. That is very disrespectful on both parts. You should talk to your friend about her need for his attention and also talk to him letting him know that you are worth more than being disrespected and being made to feel less than anyone else in any way.
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A
female
reader, Cherulee +, writes (9 July 2008):
Cherulee is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Good advise from both of you. Funny thing is that I am not jealous of her and never have been. I personally find it unatractive to fish for compliments and thought most people are age felt the same. I guess what I want to hear is that, even though she puts him in what I would think is an akward position, he could say something else for once. Like a laugh and, look over at me and put his arm around me or something. Kinda of ingnore it,this would put her back in her place and make me feel special.But he always gives her what she wants.I don't know, my gut, women's intuition tells me that he really does think she is hot, but much hotter than I. She may have traits that are more appealing to him than I. I am usually the one out of the two of us that gets the most attention without putting myself out. I am subtle she is bold. I have been told I am very sexy the way I carry myself.By the way I hate the expression Hot, it's their words. Thanks for the advice.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (8 July 2008):
 You shouldn't have to compete with your friend for your guy's attention. You need to let him know that he shouldn't be quite so complimentary about her because it makes you feel bad. And you should let her know that she's definitely in a private pond there, so she should go fish for compliments somewhere else because you value her friendship and don't want things to get complicated.
Yes, talking to him will probably make you seem a little jealous. But you want to be sure that his attention gets focused where it belongs.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 July 2008):
Next time he says anything about her being hot, snap at him that he should go out with her instead then. Let him know you are hurt by his comments.
As for your friend, she might be fishing for compliments because she knows your guy is "safe" and she can get an ego boost without it meaning anything. Take her to one side and tell her that he's been upsetting you by talking about how gorgeous she is all the time. Ask her to just tone it down a bit in front of him because you don't want him to come between your friendship.
Good Luck!! xx
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