A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so here is the background:I was with this girl for about a year when we broke up in October 2009, I ended it because I didn't feel the same way about her- I didn't love her anymore. She was absolutely devastated and plummeted into a state of depression. It is lucky she has some great friends who kept her above board.In Dec 2009 we started talking again and decided it give it another shot, I dont know whether at this stage it was because she had told me she was going to see other people (and I didnt want this to happen) or whether I actually did love her.In Feb 2010 we went on a holiday with some mutual friends. I didnt treat my girl as well as I should have. I ignored her for my friends and was generally pretty rude/stand-off-ish towards her. In the end, she became so upset that she hooked up with my best mate, who had spent the night comforting her. I was obviously absolutely devastated and ended things with her. It was at this stage it was when I realised how I actually felt about her, I was in love with her. I almost immediately regretted this and told her straight away that I had regretted my decision, but she told me that she had come to terms with it and felt that after how I had treated her whilst we were on the holiday that she needed some time apart. I pretty much begged her, but she wouldnt get back. In May 2010 she tells me that her and my best mate have decided to start seeing each other. I get really angry and immediately cut ties with him. She gets angry at me and things start to get really messy. I was absolutely devastated and myself plummeted into a state of depression. I tried everything to get my mind off things but couldnt, mainly because we had so many mutual friends.At this stage was when I told her that I had entered into another relationship- a complete lie- which I told to get her attention. As I had suspected she was completely devastated and almost immediately told me she still loved me. She told me she was going to end things with this other guy, because she still had feelings for me and needed to get over me.She ended things with him in Aug 2010, although they were still quite close until late September when things officially ended. It was almost immediately that me and her got back together- things were great. It was like a dream for both of us- who had always loved each other but, especially for her, she was stuck in another relationship. That was until she found out that I had lied about my other relationship. She felt, rightfully, betrayed and couldnt believe I had lied to her and she ended things with us.Now, here is the current situation. She is still very close friends with the other guy and sees him quite regularly. Her family is very fond of him and often invite him to things, so she sees him alot. I have asked her whether anything is going on and she always insists that nothing is happening. She has also told me that she still loves me alot and does want to be in a relationship with me, but will never be able to get over what I have done to her.I dont know what I can do, it makes me so upset when I hear she is with the other guy and makes me suspicious. I have tried so hard with her and as often as I can (which is difficult because she wont tell her family/the other guy that we are seeing each other, so it has to be done in secret) take her out on dates, buy her gifts etcWhat can I do to change her mind, gain her trust? I know trust is VERY hard to build, but I REALLY love this girl and can see her as my future wife!PS: Sorry about the long winded story!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): You are playing games.....just leave this woman alone and find someone else. You can't toy around with peoples emotions and then just pop back up into they're lives simply because, you have a change of heart or you are done having your fun out in the dating world....it doesn't work that way Sir. You need to grow up...and quickly. I hope you never get your heartbroken...maybe then you will understand just how important it is to respect the feelings and emotions of others.
A
female
reader, jessicalynne  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 If you're truly, and honestly in love with this girl, then I'm going to tell you to cheat by getting her trust back. Not sexually cheat, but, make it seem like you didn't mean for her to know how crazy you are about her.
-Talk to your buddy prior, and tell him to text you and have him ask you to go to a club and meet girls, go to the strip club, I don't know, something that involves another girl.
-Flat out say no dude, I love blahdeeblah too much. Something sappy and that'll blow her mind.
-Have him text you and keep trying to convince you and be like my cousin from out of towns coming in. She thinks your cute. Again, say whatever you want, be creative.
-Then say hell no lol. And then more sappy stuff.
Hopefully she's the girl that'll steel your phone once in awhile and have her see it.
And if that doesn't work, buy her flowers.
And a hell lot of convincing.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (29 December 2010):
 Oh, NOW you love her. When you were with her you ignored her and treated her like crap, but once she found a guy who was good to her you changed your mind. Why do you think you can yank her around and play with her heart and expect her to forgive you? Love? You have a funny way of showing it.
You need to step back and work on being a better person first. No more lies. No more dumping. No more ignoring. No more rudeness. Be a gentleman 24/7 and maybe she'll change her mind down the line. But, honestly, I doubt whether she will ever fully trust you because you have pulled so much crap.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (29 December 2010):
 Wow, that was quite a story.
Be there for her. Why are you suspicious if you two aren't together? Does that not entitle her to do what she wants? As well as you can do what you want? I would just be there for her when she needs you and show her you have changed and won't ever do any of that to her again.
But trust takes time to rebuild, so make sure you are in this for the long haul and not until you get tired of trying. Be ready for a long long trip ahead of you.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): You have serious control issues: dump her, hurt her, think you will lose her to another, get her back,treat her badly, lose her to your mate, lie to her to get her back again, cheat with her on your mate, and on it goes, it's a merry go round which probably has nothing to do with your actual feelings for her.
How could you go from not loving her anymore to loving her and wanting her to be a spouse? It doesn't sound believable to me.
If someone had done all of this to me I don't think I would believe anything they told me.
You just want what you can't have and you want to be the winner over your mate. I think if you do get back together the relationship will fall apart when it's just the two of you alone again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): This has been a real roller coaster of a relationship. You admit that you have treated her shabbily at times. Then the lie to get her back. No wonder she has lost faith in you. It often seems you care more for her when she is on the verge of seeing someone else. When you were together you were stand-offish etc, why would you do that?. You sound like a bit of a bad bet as a boyfriend to me. But you are where you are. So you can only ask for another chance, state your inner most feelings, promise things will be different and if she gives you that chance - then totally committ to behaving in a loving and constant way. I fear that you don't have many chances left to call on.
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