A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm concerned about my daughter's social life or rather lack thereof. She's 21 and all she wants to do when she's not at work is play video games. She's never had a boyfriend, is not interested and getting one and is still a virgin. Geez I was sexually active at 13. Should I be worried? What can I do to persuade my daughter to put down the video controller and pick up a boyfriend?
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at work, never had a boyfriend, still a virgin, video games Reply to this Question
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I didnt lose mine til I was 25 n was never a video game addict so why does it matter what age? Get real lady. Dont judge your daughter bc shes made different choices socially.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): No you should not be worried. What if she lives the rest of her life single and/or childless by choice, would that upset you? If so, why? because really that is what you are worried about, isn't it? But what if she's perfectly fine with it, then why should you be concerned?
your child is not an extension of yourself, she is a separate person and as an adult she has autonomy so what she does or does not do from here on out does NOT in any way reflect on your own worth as a parent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Maybe she's just not ready yet. People advance at different stages, my brother whom is a happy healthy 21 year old also has not had a relationship yet, because he doesn't want one and doesn't feel ready for one. Video games aren't a bad thing, people need to stop making them one. It's just a hobby, a way to recharge. I wouldn't be too concerned with her activities unless she's unhappy with them and has expressed that unhappiness.
There's no need to rush, maybe she's just trying to wait for the right person to come around. Talk to her about it, and maybe lightly suggest she get out of the house more by suggesting some outings. Perhaps she simply doesn't have any ideas as to where she can go and video games are her normal outlet, a fall back plan when there is a lack of places to be and things to do.
Also from a fellow gaming girl, you can meet a lot of cool people online. Who knows maybe there is someone she met and she's playing online with him. Also, playing video games, as I have found out from experience, is a very attractive quality for a lot of guys because she won't mind when he plays and can sit and play with him. She won't be the nagging girlfriend complaining about a guy's hobbies.
Another thing, parents don't know HALF of everything we do. It is honestly the easiest thing to cover up for your actions and lie to your parents sometimes, so for all you know she could have already lost her virginity and you simply aren't aware.
I'd suggest that the best thing you can do is just have an honest and open conversation with your daughter and talk about it. Don't be judgmental even if her life plans are different than yours or what you expect hers to be. In the end, don't pressure her, it could lead down a lot of sour paths so just try to guide her, then let her be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): As a mother I understand where you are coming from. Many people who answered here are not parents and they have no idea on how to be parents until they become one.The fact that she is still a virgin is actually not such a bad thing. 13 is definitely very early for my taste and I wouldn't want my child especially a girl to start having sex. I think your main concern is her lack of activities, common for her age. Usually people at her age active, they have a partner, friends, they do fun things after work, and all you see is your daughter staying home in front of TV every night .Unfortunately it's not much you can do You can encourage her by may be going to GYM, or taking some extra classes after work but that's about it
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 February 2013):
I lost my virginity at 22 and I played a lot of videogames. I also had lots of activities going outside of that, but my parents didn't know half of it. So consider you may not know everything about her, even if it seems so straight forward.
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (20 February 2013):
In general I have to agree with the other replies. As a parent (and now grandparent 3 times over) I certainly KNOW that we want our young-adult children to go out into the world and be fulfilled and successful. At the same time we need to let our children go, and learn to be their own persons. I once heard that the main task for parents is "weaning", until the kids are about 30 years old! (Having said that, I admit that for the last 4 or 5 years I have been subtly encouraging - perhaps pressuring - my oldest son, until he got married last year at the age of 32!)
The video games may indeed be a cause for some concern but I don't see evidence of that in your question. Are the games especially violent, or degrading? There probably ARE more productive uses of her time but video games per se may not be any worse than spending 4 hours in front of the TV each night, or having Facebook always running, or posting a dozen times a day to "DearCupid".
Can you HONESTLY identify some characteristic about her that may be a social stumbling block? Personal hygiene? Overweight? Sloppy clothing? Poor conversation habits? These are things YOU can help and encourage her to change. I know it will take some effort - there is a subtle difference between coaching and encouraging, and just plain "nagging".
In the U.S., the majority (but not all) kids her age are in school, at least part time. That's where they meet friends and make social connections - both good ones and not-so-good ones. Continuing your education is seldom a bad idea. Start with something practical or interesting, and basic, at a community college - like local history, Fundamentals of Public Speaking, Introduction to Accounting, or Business Writing. Her employer may actually be willing to pay the tuition. It may be helpful (to BOTH of you!) if you enrolled with her.
At 21 she is certainly NOT an old maid. It may not be "typical" for a 21-yr old to have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it's not unusual. Going from memory - in recent years, although about half of all 17 year olds have had sex, half of them have NOT. And something like 15% to 20% of 21 year olds have not had sex. And some kids have sex at an early age, but then decide to abstain until they meet the "right" partner. (This is what I recall from reliable studies conducted for the last 50 years by the Nat'l Institute of Health, and available online.) I was 23 when I gave my virginity to a virgin girl of the same age - and it was an awesome, emotionally intense experience partly because we HAD waited for the right time with the right person. Have you given serious thought to your expectations for your daughter's sexual behavior, and discussed it with her? (Yes, that's VERY difficult for a parent to do.) Do you just expect her to be sexually active because that's what people her age do? Or would you ever say to her, "Honey, when it seems right to you let your dad and I know. We'll go away for the night so you can bring the boy home, and he'll do what needs to be done in the privacy and comfort of your own room.".
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 I don't think you should worry about your daughter unless she seems unhappy. She might be an introvert by nature, and playing video games is her way of recharging her batteries after a hard day at work. As long as she's happy and has some friends, I don't think you should be too concerned. And 21 is still young - it's not that weird that she's a virgin, in fact I think it's a good thing that she waits until she's ready and has met the right person.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Leave her be... she's a late bloomer... and just because you were active early (as was I I'm not being critical) does not mean your child has to be.
At 26 I had two kids... (married) my 26 yr old son isn't even dating seriously yet and I've had to learn to let him go at his own pace....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Op it's not the 1920's anymore, this is whole poisonous notion that women are unhappy,. incomplete or their sole aim in life is to have a boyfriend is ridiculous.
OP until your daughter comes to you and says she's unhappy with her life then leave her be.
Why is it do important for you that she have a boyfriend? You need us men that much that she can't enjoy life without one is it?
You were sexually active at 13 OP, sex, boys, men hold a very important part of your life, you probably live to love. She on the other hand doesn't feel that way and wants to find her own way in life and part of that is kicking boys asses online in games.
For all you know she may be lesbian, or she may even be asexual. Just accept that she's an adult now choosing to live the way that makes her happiest. You think she should have been fucking older men at 13 too?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Your two questions: " Should I be worried? What can I do to persuade my daughter to put down the video controller and pick up a boyfriend?"
My two answers: No. .... and, nothing....
Please let your daughter mature on her own terms.... She'll love you - even more - for it.....
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): I would suggest finding a way to get her to do something else besides video games...that's not healthy for her at all and she needs to find other interests, that's for sure. Perhaps you can suggest doing something together that gets her out of the house...a cooking class, a recreational sport...something you both enjoy that would get her out and meeting people.As far as the boyfriend? Don't project your sexual past on her. Being sexually active at age 13 is nothing to be proud of and I'm sorry you didn't have guidance at that age to help you along with that...regardless, when your daughter is ready and wants to date, she will. That is not something you should be getting involved with. Your job is to guide her in making right decisions when it comes to men (or women if it goes that way) and to know to respect herself, her body etc. and teaching her how to live independently and to be able to go out into the world and live a productive life on her own whether it be furthering her education or finding a career that she loves and she can grow with. A relationships will find its way when it's her time.
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male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (20 February 2013):
Wow, just when i thought most parents will be happy their kids are staying off sex and being responsible. For God's sake, shes only 21. She ll get one when shes ready. I first had sex when i was 18, i wish i even waited a bit long. I cant believe u so proud of having sex at 13.
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female
reader, angelc +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Well, consider yourself lucky in my opinion. I mean, I guess if you want to see her married and grandchildren then that's a different story. But if you want to see her with a guy, just try taking her to outings with you and maybe a friend of hers, then ditch the two of them there for a while and see what happens. If she finds someone who truly interests her, she won't ignore him. And the video game thing is great. Guys nowadays love a girl that will sit and play video games for hours with them. A lot of girls HATE them, and it starts a lot if fights when guys constantly sit on the video games (trust me, I know) lol. So when he does come along, I wouldn't count on the video games stopping anytime soon...
Hope this helps...not really sure what more to tell you.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 February 2013):
 why do you care so much if she has a boyfriend or not?? why does that even matter?? and you're actually encouraging your daughter to go out and lose her virginity?? this is a first i've ever heard.
there's nothing wrong with your daughter and she should be left alone to do as she wishes. she's an adult. when she's ready to date and get laid, she'll do it on her own time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Perhaps she's just not ready yet to commit to anyone, and doesn't feel like giving herself to anyone just for the sake of not being a virgin or single anymore? I'm 22 now, and when I got my first boyfriend (at late 19), it was because I actually fell head over heels with him and felt comfortable enough to let go of my insecurities and commit to him. We're still very happy and in love together, and I have no regrets of waiting 'this long' to get involved with someone. At least now I know for sure that I want to be with him.Speaking from how I'd feel, I think it would be a very VERY bad idea to force her to do anything she doesn't want when it comes to relationships. If she's not ready, it will only do harm. She's just 21, not 40. And even if, she can make her own life decisions.
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