A
female
age
,
*eeplyhurt
writes:Hi, I'm not sure if this is where I should be asking for help but I figured it was worth a try.I have 26 yr old son whom I love very much and thats the hard part.He has been into drugs for some time, I'm not sure what he's on, I know at first , it was a little marijuana.I found that out through a friend when he was going to College away from home.It has continued for some time even when he returned home from College and a while ago, I realized that I was feeding him money while he was there for the drug, thinking I was sending him money for food.But now my worst nightmare has hit, he worked a whole year when he came back from College on a contract and when the contract was up the company wanted him to stay on, but he decided to tell them he was going away to make some fast money to pay off some debts he had, but he never went and thats when the trouble started. He said he couldn't go away cause he had met a girl and he really liked her and she didn't want him to go away.He had just met her a 2 weeks before he was supposed to go.He was getting EI and he met her in November, 2008.They were constantly together, 24/7 if possible at all.His father and I have been divorced for 9 yrs now.He was a great son, never ever had any problems with him at all until he met this girl, its been hell on earth every since.She is a dominating , evil person.He always spoke highly of his sister whom has her BA in Theatre Arts and has done some short films in the past year.My son was always close to me and his sister and his girlfriend became so jealous of that , she sent me and my daughter , whom she hasn't even met yet an email and said the worst things anyone could ever say to anyone, and called her everything.She didn't know what it was all about.She slandered her and myself in the emails which we couldn't understand why she had done this.My daughter sent the email to my son to show him what she had written her, its an email that would have come from a very disturbed person, which we believe she is, thinking that when he seen what she had said to her without even knowing or meeting her, he would drop her right away, but to no avail, I don't even know if he even realized what she had written if he was in a drugged up way at the time and didn't realize what she had said or if he even read it.Anyway, I was really mad at him after he wouldn't say anything to her about it, and what she had emailed to me also, I told him to leave here and I didn't want anything to do with him anymore as long as he continued to see her.Its the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life but it had to be done, to see if he would smarten up and come to reality and know that he didn't have any family left, no aunts , unlcles, friends , noone ,only her.She is so jealous of anyone that is close to him she does everything to keep him away from anyone he knows and WHAT I can't understand , he doesn't see it.He went to stay with his Aunt on his fathers side when he left here and 2 wks ago , I got a call from him again and he was kicked out of there too, because of her again!!!Told me he was on the street , did'nt have anywhere to go, his father didn't want him at his place and I couldn't turn my back on him and allow him to live in his car on the streets.(I'm a soft person and this is destroying me, I can't even function anymore, its killing me)I never allowed her near my home, when he stayed here, she was not to come here.He has just gotten his own apartment the past weekend and I helped him move in there, with the help of my common law spouse.Then on the weekend he was out driving on his way back to his place after taking a friend of his to a bar , she called him on his cell phone and yelled at him for taking his friend to the bar( a male friend) and also called his friend on his cell in the car with my son and said everything to him , my son got really angry, dropped his friend off and was on his way back to his apartment where she was waiting for him with her friend and ran into a parked car on the side of the street , thousands of dollars in damage to both his car and the other, we don't know as of yet if both will be wrote off, and he ended up at the police station, but it could have been worse ,he could have been killed all because of her.She is constantly , every few mins on the phone calling him , texting him when he comes to visit here and wherever he goes, she wants to know where he is every minute.She seems to be physcotic to me and is need of help, but I can't seem to get it through to him that she is nothing but trouble.He works during the day on a construction job, so I don't know how much she calls him there, but I'm sure she does at some point.Anyway , Its killing me, I can't have a good day since all this has happened and I am staying in my home and I dont even want to get dressed or go out anywhere any more, its destroying me, all I do is cry about it and my daughter is in Korea, and is supposed to return home in September but is telling me now that she doesn't want to come home because of this situation with him.This girl has no morals, values or any respect for herself or anyoe else.My son is a good caring person and too kind to be with someone like her, he deserves better.Since he's met her, she is into a lot of drugs, more than marijuana and I would say he is in to it with her.He says he is trying to get straightened up and he is as far as I can see, but he still hasn't let go of her.PLEASE IF SOMEONE CAN HELP ME OR TELL ME WHERE I CAN GO GET HELP WITH THIS , PLEASE LET ME KNOW, I JUST FEEL LIKE RUNNING AWAY AND NEVER COMING BACK.THANK YOU.
View related questions:
debt, divorce, drugs, jealous, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): Am glad you've felt better after reading the responses.
Be strong for yourself, your daughter's and especially for your son. If still trying a hard time of doing what you think is right, ma'am also think that you are doing that all 'coz you care and you love for your son. After all of everything it is for everyone's sake.
Having your daughter beside you is also a good way to cheer yourself even for a bit. A companion is what you needed the most and sure she'll make a good one.
Again galad to hear your better view regarding the situation. Good luck and wish you the best.
A
female
reader, Deeplyhurt +, writes (9 July 2009):
Deeplyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to all of you for your answers and advice on my situation , didn't expect to get so many so fast but am really happy to receive them.After reading all of your answers I feel a bit better already.Stepping back maybe the solution and not giving him any money or anything , then he may realize his problems and the problems with the girlfriend and may come to his senses.Its hard for me to do , but for my daughters sake and my own and my family , I have to try and get myself together and be strong and fight this so I can be there for him when he does come to his senses, which I will always be.I have been there for him all his life , hopefully he will soon straighten up, and I'm going to try and get back on my feet and be there to help him when he does decide to make things right.Thank you all so much again.Will keep you up to date now and then on whats happening.You were all a great help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): You've been put in a terrible situation, and I can only imagine how hard it is for you.
The first thing you have to do is to look after yourself. You can't be any good to your son, let alone to the rest of your family, if you're falling apart.
Your son sounds like he's made a whole bunch of very poor decisions. There's nothing you can do about that. The only thing you can control is how you react to the situation.
For the sake of your daughter, you have to step back. Leave your son to find rock bottom -- with the drugs, with the relationship, with his finances, with his legal problems. The ONLY way he can improve is if HE chooses to do so. Until then, his girlfriend's influence over him is going to be the only thing in his life that matters to him.
Of course you'll be there for him when he sincerely wants to change. In the meantime, give him NO money. Don't do anything to enable. Take care of yourself, and hold the rest of the family together so they're all there for him when he comes around.
Staying out of it will be one of the hardest parenting challenges you've ever faced. But you can't go on the way you've been.
I wish you the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (8 July 2009):
 I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I can emphasise to an extent as I myself have gone out with, and indeed married, what my mum, and lots in my family, have seen as someone 'unsuitable' for various reasons, including drugs.
All I can say is that I hope, eventually, he will come around and realise what a mistake he has made,like I did.
In the meantime, you need to stay there with him, as I think you will anyway. No matter what happens, a son needs his mum.
I know it hurts, my mum went through Hell because of me,thing is, she has never failed to be there for me.
I reckon he'll see sense and realise that you're right. it may take a while cos guys have ridiculous pride sometimes, but I reckon it will happen.
I certainly hope so.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (8 July 2009):
 Well I can understand your feelings. This girlfriend does not sound like someone who I would welcome into my family with open arms. But on the flip side, she is your son's girlfriend, like it or not. She is HIS choice, even though she might not be yours. Mothers will worry about all their children, all the time. That is perfectly natural. You can't live their lives for them, so stop driving yourself insane. If this girlfriend is a mistake, (and it looks to me like she is a huge one), the only way he will realise this is through his own experience. Be there for him always, and though it might hurt a little, stop bad mouthing the girl. He will not take your side against her. If you concentrate on the things that he needs to do concerning the drugs, the accident, and his job, and help HIM get his life on track, that's all you can do. He is a grown man, making his own decisions. If he is stumbling along, just pick him up when he falls. I always felt my mother was an interfering so-and-so, because she never liked any of my girlfriends if they were white, or older than me. You don't want your son thinking what I did. Whatever your thoughts on this girl, keep them to yourself, and support your son. It must be tough to see your son with a girl who you think is not 'good' enough. But she is HIS girlfriend. I know you don't want her in your family. But you don't want to lose a son either.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Sorry for my reply a while ago. I've gone kinda emotional for I can relate. I'm not yet a grown up but I've seen and experience things like that with my own brother.Maybe your son have seen something to that woman that she needs to finished first.The move of letting him lose everything to let him know and realize that he is losing all of you is a great idea. Knowing that people will come to appreciate things when it is already gone. But going to your position as a mother, letting a second of your son with that woman is the worst thing to happen. Madame you must first try to see a counselor or adviser for you to calm down and also to know the best thing to do.Locking yourself up is not a good idea, try to talk to a best friend or someone that can help.Again I'm sorry if I'm not capable of giving the best answers you can have and if I had a bad English, I'm not an American. Hope this can help you because I really cared. And I also hope that these things happening to our dear family would reach its end.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Ma'am I am 16 year old and some like in a situation as you are. My brother's story is also the same with your son but with a little difference. It have been three years since my brother left us for her GF with a 2 yo child with her exboyfriend. My brother had sold his right kidney in order for them to have something to eat. That girl was also horrible. In 2006, my father asked them to stay with us and they agreed but those days are horrible. She can't do a chore and she wanted my brother to be on her side second per second. But the girl yelled at my father and said so many bad things and because of that my father kicked them out. That girl was informed that my father was suffering from a heart disease and in really in a bad condition. Year 2007 my father died. My brother came, only my brother. But by the time of his arrival we received a lot of messages talking with so many bad things and asking my brother to go back to her side. When my mother received her message my brother is still there crying in front of my father's coffin. A lot of things like that happen. Things that girl is always keeping my brother away from us. My mother always wants to support him but all of the appliances and cellphones from my mother were sold by that woman, even the money went straight to her. Lately I was diagnosed with a disease on my respiratory. My mother and my sister was in another country and my brother want to stay with me but I can't stay with that woman.
So I'm living alone now. Our relatives are in some other far places. And in this city I am living, I'm alone.
When I ask my brother why he can't stop going back with that woman, all he said was there is something of me with her, like a debt or somewhat. And it was that great for him to sacrifice everything.
...............................
|
