A
female
age
41-50,
*lone_in_a_Crowd
writes:What can I do to increase my low sex drive? I'm almost positive that it's low because of psychological reason. My in-laws have become far too intrusive and my husband allows them to control all aspects of our lives. Because of this I have lost all desire for my husband since he can't seem to put me first. Divorce isn't an option. There's too many complications that prevent that. My question is also, does my low sex drive for my husband also affect my desire for other men? If I'm feeling no desire toward my husband because of his actions, I'm not understanding why I'm not in the mood for someone else. Someone who could treat me better. Instead I have no sex drive at all. Can I be that psychologically messed up that his actions have completely ruined me to sex forever? I used to be a very sexual person and now it's completely dead in me.
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divorce, in the mood, no desire, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 September 2008):
 Hi,
It is a no brainer to link your husbands acquiesence to his parents control over your marriage to your lack of sex drive.
This is not a case of he needs to be the alpha male and beat his chest in support of you, he needs to be your husband. You married him not his parents and he should be putting your first in all matters.
But the only way of resolving this is to tell him that he is not being much of a husband if he continues to let his parents steamroll over your relationship. They should stay the hell out and mind their own business. Until they realise this is the state of affairs you will continue to lose respect for the man in your life.
Tell him to grow some balls and put the hard word on your interfering in laws, if he can't do that then you need to reassess your options and decide whether you want to be with a man who lets himself be walked over by his own parents.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (4 September 2008):
 It is pretty hard to completely, permanently kill off your sex drive, so I wouldn’t worry about being ‘psychologically messed up’. Drives ebb and flow depending on a whole heap of factors and you seem to have an awful lot going. It is important to remember, though, that stress and worrying will only decrease your already lowered drive. Try to get out of the habit of thinking your situation is permanent or unfixable–it really isn’t.
How attractive we find someone is very much tied up in the emotional response we feel when we’re around them. If you feel that your husband isn’t putting you first and you see him as weak or indecisive with his parents, it can prevent you from seeing him as someone you want to get naked with. First and foremost, you need to have a serious conversation with him. Do it in a neutral space (as a general rule, never talk about sex in bed–that is the place where we feel most vulnerable and the memory of negative conversations will stick with you far longer than you would think) and try to outline reasonably and clearly where you are bothered by his relationship with his parents. Don’t accuse or blow things out of proportion, but let him know that it is starting to have ramifications on your relationship.
Just as important as this talk, though, is that you then need to be receptive for him to change. If you go into it thinking that things will never improve, even if he does make changes, you won’t be able to see it. Remember that nothing in the world is permanent–not even bad situations.
Alongside working on things with your husband, you can also try to get back in touch with your sex drive on your own. Whereas our feelings of sexual attraction can change according to our feelings, we can pretty much always experience sexual pleasure if we take the time. Get yourself alone, where you can completely relax, and treat yourself in whatever way feels best to you. Take your time and be prepared to have to try a few times, but often, just getting over that first orgasm (or just good time) after a dry spell is enough to re-awaken our desire for more. You may find that putting masturbation on your To Do list (rather than waiting for the urge to strike you) will be just the trick.
That same principle can work with your husband. If he initiates sex and you’re not completely into the idea (but not dead set against it–don’t even attempt this if you’re angry or miserable in that moment), don’t stop him at the first gate. Sometimes going ahead as though we were in the mood gets us into the mood. Your body will remember to take over, if you give it the chance.
Deal with the problem step by step and with as positive an outlook as you can manage. I think you may be surprised at how well things can turn out.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (4 September 2008):
 Well i think letting your husband be controlled by the inlaws is not going to make you desire him....things like this can put your off your guy and desire sex less. Try having some time alone with him to talk about how you feel and let him know your sex drive is low....and remind yourself what used to turn you on about ur husband. Maybe your depressed? that can def put you off sex. But trust me your sexlife is not over forever if you was once mad on sex with him then you can be again...you just need to find it again!
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