A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, so I'm a needy clingy guy, like all of the girls the guys always talk about being sick of. When I'm with someone, I think about her non-stop, cant wait to call/txt msg/email. I've been seeing this girl for 2 months now, and I think it's starting to wear on her. She is out of town for almost 2 weeks, which will be a good thing (I think) to let myself cool off. The day before she left, I was EXTRA needy and I think it probably bothered her. Now that I've realized myself to be a clingy person, I obviously need to fix my behaviors. My question is: Do I talk to her about it when she comes back, or do I just change myself? I'm sure she will notice when I stop calling as often and insisting that we hang out super often, but will trying to discuss it with her be likely to scare her off? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (5 September 2008):
 okay, it's good that she is giving you no reason to feel insecure about things, and if that is the case, nothing about her past dating history makes you feel insecure, nothing about her behavior in front of other guys gives you a reason to feel insecure, and this neediness you feel is all about your fear of losing the best thing you ever had, then my suggestion is for you to look at your own fear of intimacy. Because at some level, you feel unworthy of her caring about you. And if you feel this way about yourself, you will always sabotage a good thing when it comes your way. So find ways to feel your own worthiness about having a great, caring woman in your life. Once you belief this, you will act the way you feel. Also, it would be helpful to read books on boundaries in relationships which will give you insight into what behavior respects the boundaries of others. You may have issues with that due to boundaries being crossed with parental or other authority figures in your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you for your input, starismine1, and I see your point, but that's definitely not what's going on here. She planned this trip (a cruise with her mom) almost a year ago, long before we met. This is probably a once every 3 or 4 years thing for her. I dont date very often because I'm not willing to settle, and now that I've found someone who fits the bill perfectly, I am constantly worrying that she's going to leave. And after reading several posts here, I realize that me being this way will definitely scare her away. I usually am able to hide it pretty well, but like I said, I was a mess the day before she left and I'm not sure whether to explain myself when she returns in hopes that she'll better understand, or just play it off like nothing happened and do a better job keeping my emotions in check from now on?
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (5 September 2008):
It's interesting that you say you are needy and clingy, yet you are dating a girl who will be gone for 2 weeks. How often does she go out of town? Are you sure you aren't choosing women who give you a good reason to feel insecure? Sometimes men pick women who aren't around that much, live too far, flirt with other men, have ex boyfriends they still see, etc. etc. to justify their "needy insecurity" which is just a coverup excuse for them to be unhappy with the relationship. That gives them a reason not to have intimacy. Yes, you choose women who make you feel needy so you don't have to get close to anyone. Look at the kind of women you choose to date and how much you are a victim of your own need to feel neediness.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (4 September 2008):
 BACK OFF!!! Give her time to miss you. Find something else you can do with your time. Get a hobbie,go Karoake,go shopping,take long walks..just do something for you. Care about her from afar and practice being alone. No one wants to be alone all the time but when we are alone we can reflect and focus on other things.
You could be fearing rejection or abandonment. Try to come to terms with why you feel so needy or clingy. One thing to think over is whether you are that bad or if the person you are persueing just maybe isn't all that into you. This could make your feel more in need or the urge to cling tighter. If they are into you but you are too eager or perhaps pushy then you could be driving them away.
When she has had time to be away from you a bit maybe she will have missed you enough to call. Give her the option and don't push. She will wonder why you stopped calling and if she wants to persue anything else with you she will call. Be gracious and let her show you what she has intent of. You can go from there. Remember to have a little patience and keep your confidence that you are worthy. No one is perfect and if she isn't meant for you then someone else out there will be!
Keep your eyes open cause you never know when the right one comes along. Only God knows. Seek and ye shall find.
Blue_Angel
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