A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in love with my boyfriend (ex-fiance) for the past four years. I recently discovered that he has been having an emotional affair with a girl he went to junior high with years ago. I have not read all of the emails, but the glimpses I catch show that they are love letters, and he has admitted that they are love letters and that he does love her. He says he is going through a midlife crisis, and that his need to contact her is a way of working out his past, but he wants to keep in touch with her as a friend. I am completely against this. He says he wants to work things out, and that I should accept that there will always be threats. He also said that he did this to me to hurt me so that I would appreciate him more, something he has been complaining about for awhile. I love him with all of my heart, and want him to realize how good we are for each other. We were supposed to get married, but now that's up in the air. I'm not realistically concerned about meeting up with this woman because she lives across the country, but I am concerned that he will have an infatuation with her that will destroy are relationship. I honestly wish he could meet her in person so that he would see that it's just an illusion he's after. I don't know what to do. I want him to realize on his own that he cannot keep every woman he's ever loved in his past. He says he's waited 25 yrs to talk to her, and he won't let another woman tell him who he is allowed to talk to. I know most of the responses will probably tell me that it's over. But is there anything I can do to get over this emotional affair?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 the issue now is not the woman, facebook, passwords etc. the issue will be broken trust and the fact that you may have to be ultra vigilant and you will not know if he has merely become more secretive.
trust me i get no enjoyment out of telling a person their relationship is not right, but with you i will have to say it: you should be able to relax and enjoy the relationship, let it be something that holds and supports you rather than being with someone who keeps you on red alert. his last attitude was 'i'll speak to who i want, no woman will stop me' - are you really sure he has changed his thinking so much?
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Your responses are helpful. I know I should end it, but he has too many good aspects for me to give up. He has agreed not to contact her anymore, and has given me the passwords to his emails. He also admitted that a lot of what he told me earlier was his way of rationalizing his actions. I am positive that he is horrified by what he has done. I thank everyone for trying to talk some common sense into me, but I trust that it is over. (btw, I broke off the engagement after I discovered the correspondence on facebook).
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 February 2011):
@ gamine: that is a brilliant comparison you have made (the horse racing comment, i mean) if every person came with their own 'odds' displayed this would make life a lot easier! there is something about some of us though, call it a 'gambler's spirit' that makes us want to take a chance on the one with poor odds, hoping that if, just IF it works out then the prize will be bigger. everyone knows though that unfortunately the bookmaker is the biggest winner.
@ OP you can do BETTER than this man. seriously. even if 'better' means being with no man, but having peace of mind.
best wishes
xx
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 February 2011):
hi
i don't like the way he admits he has done this to HURT you and gain more attention from you. a grown adult who is supposedly in love and mature enough to be planning to marry you would not do this. i think that if the emails were just friendly then yes fine, keep as friend. BUT the fact that the emails turned romantic, loving each other, probably fantasizing romantically about each other, maybe even sexually, then no, i don't really believe that this can be dissolved into a simple friendship.
i am sorry but this man is being very heartless towards you. if you do somehow manage to get him to drop all contact with this woman, i would always be wary of him with other women, because he seems to think it is acceptable behaviour to romance another woman and he thinks you should accept it.
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): to me this these words are the deal breaker/relationship death:
"...He also said that he did this to me to hurt me so that I would appreciate him more, something he has been complaining about for awhile......"
when you allow another human being to treat you like 'nothing' and value you like a 'nothing' soon you become 'nothing'. is this what you have become??
Cerebus, what wise, eye opening words!
when you deliberately set out to hurt someone you profess to love/care about and then admit that you deliberately set out to hurt that someone, i question that persons morals and integrity.
you want to cope with this affair? then say goodby to this toxic relationship. and dont look back.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 February 2011):
 I have a little different take on this and after reading the answer of Cerberus, I'm not entirely sure why. Here at Cupid we only get one persons side of the story. Often one persons interpretation of what the other person said. How one person is feeling about the event.
There are a couple of factors that haven't been mentioned. One, age difference. He is between 7 and 12 years older than her. Probably too young to be having a mid life crisis. But also too old to be in a first relationship. There is likely more in his past that we should know.
Two the broken engagement. Who broke it and why? He may see that as a permission slip to look else where.
Third, he is obviously not satisfied with the relationship. She says she loves him with all her heart, and he says she doesn't appreciate him. Obviously both of those statements can't be right. It is possible that she is holding something back. Emotional affairs start because some one is looking for something they aren't getting, that they need.
I want to propose that the things he said are not necessarily as bad as Cerberus said, although they may be. He said there will always be threats. Or did he say that the world is full of women, and that6 he will work with some, be involved with some socially or through hobbies, or interact with some at church. In order for a marriage to survive there has to be enough for him and for her, to make then want to resist those temptations that will always be there. A four year old relationship that still doesn't know whether or not it wants to be permanent is not going to provide that kind of protection.
He said no other woman is going to tell who he can talk to. Or, did he say, no one can control who he talks to. Because it is true he is an adult, you cant be with him every minute of every day. And you really don't care much about who he talks to. It is what he talks about that has caused the hurt. Trust has to replace control for a realistic relationship to exist.
He also said that he did this to me to hurt me so that I would appreciate him more, something he has been complaining about for awhile. Or did he say that he did this because he didn't feel appreciated, and that he had told you that he didn't feel appreciated. And apparently you didn't do anything to fix that problem. No one can be happy with a partner who doesn't find their needs important. They will go looking, or they will accept an advance.
So is it over? I'm not sure. He lived without the other woman for 25 years. I'm sure he can live without her some more. Are you willing to give him what he needs? Or is it like Cerberus said? Are his needs unreasonable? Because if his needs are unreasonable to you then the relationship is really doomed. Or, are you really already giving him your whole heart. Is there really nothing you are holding back.
I think there is more to explore here.
FA
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 A round of applauses for Cerberus. He brilliantly said it all so I will just stress a bit more one particular point .
You say " I know most of the responses will probably tell me it's over ". And how do you know it ?.. Because you figured out that would be the standard reaction of your average, normally intelligent, normally sensible, reader in front of this situation And, aren't you at least that ? Aren't you as perceptive and rational as us, or better ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Basically he has this hang up with this girl from his past. It is now 25 years on, they both will have changed, but in his head she is still as she was back then. It has built into a fantasy. Yes he could be in a mid-life moment - you look back and see things through a rosy tint. I would let him go and meet up with her. It may give him closure, it may not. But I think he needs to get this out of his system. Sometimes you just need to deal with things openly and head on. Then you know what you are dealing with. Do you want him to quietly hanker after someone who, in reality, is probably not the girl he once knew anymore. If it were me I would say go meet her for the sake of our relationship and a sense of putting this behind us and moving on. Some might say different but that's my view.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Hahahaha ashlydance33 "He is elfish." Yeah OP you need to be with a human or an orc. Sorry I couldn't resist that one, nice typo.
"that I should accept that there will always be threats." That's a deal breaker right there. He basically just told you that you're not the one for him there'll always be threats? Are you kidding me?
"he did this to me to hurt me so that I would appreciate him more" Oh so he intentionally hurt you, that's okay then right? That's the kind of guy you've always dreamed about.
"I honestly wish he could meet her in person so that he would see that it's just an illusion he's after." He already met her in person in the past and now he has cheated on you with her.
"He says he's waited 25 yrs to talk to her, and he won't let another woman tell him who he is allowed to talk to." That's true because you're just another woman to him, that's cool right? That's exactly what you want.
"I know most of the responses will probably tell me that it's over." What makes you think that OP? I'm not being sarcastic this time. I mean really, ask yourself why you think we'd say that. Ask yourself whether we are right.
"But is there anything I can do to get over this emotional affair?" Yeah you can shut your mouth and do what you're told. Accept the fact that there "will always be threats" that you're "just another woman" and that when he feels like he wants something from you he's just going to hurt you instead of talking about it. So, do you still really want to get over this affair when that is the life you have to look forward to?
*I'm not even going to tell you to leave OP, I think you should stay. You see you're perfect for a guy like him. He needs a doormat. A woman that will rationalize the incomprehensible. You know? A woman that despite his promise that there will always be other women will stay and always take him back because you see OP it's always nice to have a woman around as a backup plan to keep you going while you go out and fall in love with the women you really want. You see you never gave him enough attention the poor guy, you forced him into the arms of another woman, what else was he supposed to do to get your attention? Talk to you like an adult? Of course not, the only way you'll learn is if he hurts you because you're just a woman and you bitches need to learn that when us men want something you better just accept that we're going to get it and if you don't give it to us we have to hurt you. It's the best way, it's the only way you pieces of feces will ever learn. How dare you presume to tell this man which woman he can and cannot talk to. He has waited 25 years to talk to the love of his life and you can't stop him you're just another woman, you better know your place. So get back in that kitchen and make him a sandwich and when you're done get upstairs and open your legs, he might need to pop one off later and you better be ready to satisfy him, while he pictures her.*
You see my last paragraph, I bet you're thinking "Who the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that Cerberus?!" I know for a fact all the other posters male and female are thinking "Cerberus what the fuck?!" Are they right OP? Is that paragraph something which you take lightly. Is that paragraph acceptable? Would you for one second let yourself be spoken to or treated like that by me or any other person? Then why oh why is it acceptable from him?
That paragraph was just basically a paraphrase of the way he talks to you, of what he said and how he views you. Why is that attitude not acceptable from me but is perfectly acceptable from him? Because you love him? OP is it better or worse that someone who is supposed to love you treats you that way? Is love really worth throwing away all common sense and all chance at happiness for?
I don't seem to have any advice here right? All I'm doing is throwing questions at you. You see OP there is no advice I can give you that you haven't already considered. You've come here looking for a way to fix things but you know the only thing that will fix this, you said it yourself in the second last sentence of your question.
OP that paragraph in *stars* is your future husband, that paragraph in *stars* is what you have to look forward to in life. This may well be the father of your kids, this may well be the attitude your future son adopts towards you, this is it for you OP. This is the choice you have to make. Stay and live this life or find the strength to move on.
Let me just make it clear to you OP, I can tell from your question you're not stupid enough to believe you can really change him or get over this. You've come here out of desperation because you love him so much that you will do just about anything to make things better. I think deep down you're resigned to knowing that is never going to happen.
Make your choice OP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): To Anon- If what you're saying is true, then why hasn't he ended it if he doesn't want to be with her? Instead, he stays with her and tells her, point blank, he's trying to hurt her on purpose. That is manipulation on his part, clearly.
Good, lasting relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. Love is a feeling that comes and goes. He doesn't respect her and she doesn't trust him. That is not a good foundation for a relationship. He either needs to build her trust back up by ending things with the other woman or they need to go their separate ways because what they have going is obviously not working.
To OP- After what I have just said, it has brought to my attention that you think you two are great together. That is a terrible misconception. You clearly don't trust him and he doesn't respect you. Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". You guys just aren't good for each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Why do you assume that your presence, your proposed changes, or your help is just the right thing for him? You probably see your behavior as full of good intentions that can only benefit him but he sees it as controlling and manipulative.
Imagine that you had issues that you were battling with and despite your protestations, he refused to back off and let you figure out things of your own accord? Imagine if your heart wasn't in the relationship and you had a guy pestering you about choosing him over what was important to you even though you weren’t even sure you wanted him.
Imagine that he expected you to be everything that he wanted that you aren’t already AND get whatever problems that you had under control at the same time.
You’re pretty much trying to force your vision of things and your brand of love down his throat. Some men go along with it because they initially think that it’s sweet and caring until it crosses into the dark side. Many don’t even make it so far to wondering if you love them and instead think “This is more than I’ve bargained for. I’m not sure that I love her and I don’t think I’m ready to be different…but she’s just so…THERE”. Others grin and thank you for your hard efforts, walk down the street and see women looking at him with renewed interest and thank you with a wandering eye…or penis.
He may well have told you point blank that he doesn’t like your meddling but you chose not to hear him and renewed your efforts. You aren't searching for a loving relationship but instead, looking to squeeze your square peg man into a round hole, in the hopes of creating exactly the type of relationship where you will be happy. This is one where you are in control, he feels how you want him to feel, he acts as you expects him to act, and because you have bestowed him with your wisdom of what love really is...he will ultimately realize how grateful he is to be with you.
I appreciate that sometimes our men need a little guidance in the love and emotional expression department but your desire to take the proverbial scalpel to the man you're with and pretty much get rid of any feeling he has that doesn't fit your agenda of him being with you forever is pretty damn scary.
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A
female
reader, ashlydance33 +, writes (16 February 2011):
 You deserve much better. He is elfish. He straight up told you he did it on purpose to hurt you. He's also told you that no woman will tell him who to talk to. This tells me, as plain as day, that he has no respect for you or any woman.
The best thing you can do for yourself is hold your head up high and proud and end it. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. You will respect yourself so much more for ending things, even if you love him.
This relationship holds nothing but pain and frustration for you if you continue.
It's better to be alone and have your pride in tact than to have your self esteem beat down by a man who is too blind to see what he has, here and now, right before his very eyes.
I wish you the very best of luck.
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