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What can I do to help him understand he is ruining our relationship?

Tagged as: Age differences, Breaking up, Cheating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 February 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 18 February 2015)
A female United States age 41-50, *icoya writes:

Im in a relationship with a younger man there is no doubt on my mind we love each other, he goes to work I am home I rarely go out I pretty much stay to myself before the relationship began I was always surrounded by fam and friends they were always at my house, since the relationship that has change quite a bit friends come by once in a long while do to the fact that he is very jealous, I get constantly accused of cheating and having feelings for my male friends that are more like family for 20 plus yrs,I am totally against cheating and I hv a pep peave lying unacceptable as far as im concerned, I have tried everything to get him to understand im not this deceitful woman he portrayes me out to be, he has cheated infact every time we get upset n break it of the first thing he does is run to these other girls he flirts with n sees behind my back, what can I do to help him understand he is ruining our relationship?

View related questions: flirt, jealous

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (18 February 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOP, I'm sorry but I can't see how HE is ruining the relationship?

He is abusing you by controlling you

He is abusing you by accusing you of things he is doing himself.

He is abusing you by cutting off your family and friends and essentially keeping you a prisoner in your own home.

HE is doing these things because YOU ARE ALLOWING HIM TO DO these things.

WHY are you permitting this? Once you figure out why you are so afraid to be alone without this abuser then we can help you.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (18 February 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt"he has cheated infact every time we get upset n break it of the first thing he does is run to these other girls he flirts with n sees behind my back,"

Why are you blaming him??? Let me ask you your own question, but I am going to put "her" and "she" instead of "him" and "he"... "what can I do to help "her" understand "she" is ruining our relationship?"

So now...what can I do to help her understand she has ruined her own relationship?"

YOU allowed this kind of man onto your life. YOU know what he does, and YOU accept it. YOU will say "No I don't! I have talked to him about it, but he just keeps doing it." Let me show you the foolishness of people...

If you were attacked by a dog, would you go and pet that dog again because you love it? NO! Bad dog!! But a man does all these things to you, and you call it love, and want to know how to keep the bad thing in your life.

YOU made a rule for yourself "I am totally against cheating ". But YOU set no rules for the man because you love him...HUH? He is wrong for what he does, and YOU are just as wrong for allowing a man like him in your life. As the saying goes...two wrongs do not make things right.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (18 February 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt Why, do you think he would be upset if realized he is " ruining the relationship " ? I think he knows ,and just does not give a fuck ! It does not take Einstein, or a shining example of sensitivity, to realize that constant cheating and running to other women will bother and upset your official partner, and won't contribute to her happiness and satisfacrion. Problem is, he only cares about HIS happiness and satisfaction , and he knows that you can argue and complain, but basically you will just accept... precisely what you say it's " unacceptable " to you. He has you where he wants you and you have no power to change the dynamics .

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (18 February 2015):

Honeypie agony auntThe dude is a whack-job and you CAN not make him understand squat.

Someone who is THIS controlling and isolate you from family and friends? NOT a good sign.

Honestly, I'd back off, WAY off... AS in end it.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (18 February 2015):

Uhhhhh, he's not ruining anything, you're just barking up the wrong tree. He's a man who is incapable of being in a normal, healthy relationship. It's not a choice he has made, it's the reality if who he is.

It's time to leave as there is nothing you can do or say that will change his nature.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States +, writes (18 February 2015):

mystiquek agony auntwhat can we do to make you see that the relationship is ruined and not worth saving? it appears he has you wrapped around his little finger and no matter what he does you still want him. he cheats so of course he lies. Why don't you save yourself and get out? Take back your dignity and find a man worthy of your love.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015):

You're being held captive emotionally, my dear! This guy is off his rocker, and you're smitten with affection for him. Almost to obsession; if you've abandoned your friends and family to pacify his jealousy and stop his accusations.

You need to pack your things, and find yourself a place to detox this guy out of your system. You're totally addicted and he's like a toxic drug!

Go stay with a sister or a friend for a while, to get your head together. News flash, your relationship is already ruined. He has isolated you from your loved-ones and friends. That is an indication you may have found yourself a narcissist! He'll never listen to reason, and you'll constantly have to put out fires.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015):

He's jealous because he has things to hide. The things he accuses you of doing are most likely things he is doing. Obviously this is unacceptable to you yet you tolerate it. For what reason though? Is there something that makes his cheating, jealousy, and possessiveness worth handling? I can't imagine there is, and if it were me, I would have been done with him a long time ago. Don't let his negativity and nastiness ruin your social life and your relationship with your friends and family.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (17 February 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntYour cheating man is an abuser and you are the one in three. Google it.

You can't fix him, you can't make him see your side, he doesn't care. You are his possession in his mind and he can be as shitty and mean and irrational to you as he likes.

Run run run far far away as soon as you can!

Call your friends and family and get them to come get you TONIGHT! Get away from him ASAP.

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