A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I have been on 3 dates with this guy I met online 3 weeks ago, we plan one date a week. The last time we went 3 days ago out we met up with another couple (my friends) for a meal then after we hung out alone for a few hours just walking around town and talking and having a good time. He did not try to make any moves (no hand holding, no touching or kissing) which felt strange because guys usually do at least try to give some physical signs of interest. At the end when we were leaving he did not ask me out again but rather said for me to let him know next time we all hang out (my friends and I) is going to be (it was sort of awkward) and I said ok. He does not call and only texts if we have plans to meet up. But when we hang out he seems interested. I don't want to be the one to text him or call about the 4th meetup because I feel like he should be doing that if he is genuinly interested and if he is not then he won't. I don't know what it means that he told me to let him know next time my friends and I hang out. I don't want to waste my time on him if he isn't interested. Should I just give up?
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 Yes, thank you.
Please keep me up to date with what happens after your date & in the future.
I am happy for you, that you guys will hang out tomorrow night.
Of course, do have fun, but remember to continue getting to know each other on a deeper level, just 1 on 1. You cannot do that, when there are others hanging around.
As a mature woman, i cannot tell you enough, how important this is.
Good luck! :-)
A
female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (19 February 2015):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Femmenoir, Thank you for your response again and feedback. So he contacted me about a few hours after I posted my last response to you! He sent a text asking how I was and what I was doing. Then we text for a bit and then he said "so when is the next hang out session with your friends" and I told him we could do it soon. So we are all hanging out tomorrow night. I will provide an update on how it goes and YES I definitely agree after this we should be hanging out one on one. I will keep you posted how this night goes and if he starts being any more forward. On a side note: to those of you who thought what we were doing was "deceiving" my friends it is not. Life is about having fun and my friends and I are very comfortable with each other we have been friends over 10 years and if I thought for one second they would be offended by something like this I would never do it. No one is going to get hurt or feel deceived by what we are doing, it's just a simple joke that is irrelevant to anyone's life in the long run and something for my friends and I to laugh about. Lighten up, life is short:)
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (19 February 2015):
Hi, thank you for sending me your msg.
I read it & yes, i do comprehend what you said, however, after all that has been said & done, the fact remains, you still have some reservations/concerns about the two of you & where exactly that you stand with him.
I don't know whether or not you've heard from him, since you received my msg, however, i would suggest that you continue waiting for a reponse from him.
If you contact him, you will never truly know what his motives are.
If he contacts you, you can be pretty certain that he's very keen on you, in which case, i would pursue getting to know him better & to continue dating, but this time, 1 on 1! haha Although, you did expain.
Please keep me posted &/or send me another msg.
I'd like to know how you get on either way. :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): If this guy is looking for a long term relationship, he probably realised you were not the best match. Between the two of you, you came up with this really immature idea of deceiving your FRIENDS for a laugh. No harm was done but in his shoes, I would think twice about investing more time in this relationship. It's not only immature and deceitful, it's also disrespectful to your friends. That is a the strangest idea of a date that in the moment must have sounded funny but a really bad judgement call.
I'd write him off and show more integrity and maturity to the next fellow.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 It may be common for touching/kissing on the third date, but your friends were there, so it may have put him off or he may not be ready for that yet - doesn't mean he's not interested.
Why can't you put the effort in? Or have you before with him? If not, it's about time you do ;) Most men don't mind asking women out the first few times, but how is *he* supposed to gauge how interested *you* are if *you* don't make any moves and expect *him* to do them, all at the moment?
It probably was too early for your friends to be involved because you barely know one another and the early dates are supposed to be between the two of you (in public places) to find out more things about each other.
The fact that he doesn't text or call unless you have a date seems a little odd to me - not because your relationship should revolve around it, but a phone call or two a week are useful to get to know each other more.
If you want to go on another date, which doesn't seem the case when you leave it all up to him and are already thinking of giving up and moving on, you'll have to pluck up the courage and ask him out, just the two of you (in a public place). If you don't, I have a feeling it'll be your fault this didn't work out (at least at this point in time; we don't know what may or may not happen in the future).
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A
female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (18 February 2015):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Femmenoir,
Thank you for your feedback and I very much agree with you. BUT it's my fault that I did not give the backstory to why I invited my friends. So I was definitely not planning yo do it but on our 2nd date at the end we were drinking and hving fun then we were talking about his ethnicity and we are both the same ethnicity but he looks nothing like this ethnicity so we thought it would be funny/entertaining for us to trick my family friend and her bf regarding his ethnicity and see if people would fall for it. I know it sounds crazy but we both thought it would be hilarious so went ahead with it and to be honest we had a great time doing it, he even said when they left that he had a good time. And then when they left we hung out for a few more hours after which he said 'let me know the next time we want to trick people' (bc we still did not tell them what his real ethnicity was when they left) So that's the backstory of why I did that not bc I wanted my friends to meet him. But still I don't think that's a reason for him to not be pursuing me.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (18 February 2015):
First big mistake!
You should never have invited any of your friends to join the two of you, on your 3rd date only!
I mean, are you serious?!
That is way too soon & he is obviously put off by what you did, he doesn't wish to offend you, tell you directly, hence his comment about you & your friends.
He is put off by what you did, to be brutally honest & he feels that you're rushing into things too soon, pushing the boundaries, before the two of you have really had more time to get to know each other properly.
Remember, you guys haven't even exchanged any physical contact yet, so to bring your friends into this new relationship, if it is even called a relationship @ this early stage, is a bit "weird" to him.
Do you see where i am coming from here?
If you wish to pursue & salvage this foundation that the two of you are still building & there is lots more building to do, believe me! Then you need to contact him & apologise for bringing your friends into the scene so soon.
Let him know that there is no pressure whatsoever, although it may seem that way, but as you feel very comfy around him & you like him very much, you didn't see the harm in inviting a few of your closest friends, to hang out with the 2 of you.
When a man is testing the waters, getting to know a woman of interest on a deeper level, he requires much more than 3 mere weeks to make up his mind for the long term, seriously.
He is assuming that you're playing the full on commitment thing here & maybe he's just not that ready yet, not until he gets to find out much more about you & who you are.
If your friends are there, how can he do this on a continual basis?
Also, he may feel that you guys are being watched, judged, chaparoned. A big turn off for most men.
I would highly advise you to play it cool, take 1 thing @ a time. Don't bring extras into this very new dating scene just yet. He will let you know when the time is right for both of you & if it is definitely meant to be for you both, you'll find out in due time, but for now, get to know him alone, not with your friends hanging around & adding pressure, to what must already be a bit of pressure for him, as he is getting to know you & make a final call about you & he, before pursuing anything serious or long term.
When something is meant to be, no matter how long it takes, it will be. :-)
I hope my response helps you somewhat.
Good luck & keep us posted!
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