A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What should a woman do if she suspects her husband is cheating on her but there is no solid proof that he is?Also, if she can not afford a private detective and there is noone that can help keep an eye on him.A brief history into my scenario:-Married for 9 yrs and have a 3 yr old son. -I'm a Stay-at-home mom.husband wants me to start working again( i used to before the baby).-I don't want to work until I have another baby(going through fertility treatment currently) and until that baby is atleast 1 yr old.-Tried asking him directly but he denied having affair and instead threatens divorce because I have questioned him.Reason for suspecting him:- He works late hours on odd days ..no set schedule(feels like he just choose the day)- Mostly on the computer when at home- Glued to his phone even in the restroom- Always delete internet history and his email trash can is empty all the time- He is not attracted to me..has comlplained to me of being overweight for so many yrs- Keeps calling me atleast thrice from office to see what I'm doing.- He's very friendly mostly to female coworkers
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (5 April 2009):
 You have your suspicions so that's enough to go on. You need to do your OWN detective work now. One way to tell if he's cheating is to catch him lying about a matter. You can follow his eye movements to tell if he is lying. Ask more questions if he looks uncomfortable or uneasy. If he tries to create stories out of nothing and doesn't try to LOOK at you while speaking then the possibility is there that he IS cheating.You could call his work and ask for him!Partners who are cheating are often guilty of their actions. They will apologise over small mistakes and go out of their way to make you happy or feel pampered. He will also start showing less interest in you and will want to spend more time alone, so suggest going with him when he goes out, even if it's just a short trip, tell him you need the fresh air (and watch his face!).Is he still being intimate with you or has this gotten less? Is he always tired or making excuses that he's tired? If this part of your life has lessened then this alone is a good indication he may be cheating.When your husband is away frequently then call him on his phone to see if it's busy or turned off. If it does ring out, then hang up before he answers, you know his phone's on or not busy and that was the main reason for you calling. (You can withold your number easily at these times so make sure and do that first so he doesn't get suspicious that it's you.) But make sure the number's NOT witheld when you genuinely do need to call him as it will register on his phone as being witheld or not! (You've got to be one step ahead of him all the time).Also check closets and shirt pockets to look for any scribbled-down phone numbers or meeting places. Check his trousers too. If you find an unknown number then call it and see who picks up. If it's not a familiar voice then ask questions to learn where they live and who they are. If you can, check his cell phone if he leaves it lying around then do so and check the phonebook (If it's not locked - which is another sign of course). Jot down all suspicious numbers and call them and notice the tone of the other person when she picks up the phone. Think carefully what you're going to say but DON'T tell her who you are at this point!When he comes in go up and give him a kiss immediately and smell him to see if there is a "woman's smell" lingering somewhere, perfume is the giveaway here. Even check his smalls for 'signs'!!! Watch carefully when he arrives home, does he always seem to head to the shower immediately? Another way to catch him is to follow him in a car. See where he goes, what he buys and who he meets. (Take a friend along with you for moral support and use their car). If you can, try to show up suddenly somewhere and be surprised to see your husband there. (Friend stays in the car of course). Notice his reaction. If he is happy to see you then there's nothing to worry about. If, however, he looks flustered or worried and wide-eyed, then he is surely hiding something. Ask him questions to clarify things a bit.If nothing seems to work, go back and carry on with your investigation till you come up with something solid. Confront him ONLY when you have enough evidence against him and then decide what should be done next. If you keep on his case and he IS guilty, he WILL slip up, it's only a matter of time. If, after a time and you still can't prove it then the last thing to try would be to hire a private investigator although this can, as you rightly said be costly but they will certainly be able to come up with evidence IF he's cheating. Isn't all this is a bit devious....? Yes... but you'd never do it if you didn't have good cause to. Cheating on a partner breaks every rule in the book between you. It is a sign that the relationship is not going well and is in trouble and THAT is what the roaming partner should be addressing and working on, NOT running into the arms of another as this solves nothing, only escalates and makes the problem much worse!~Eve~
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): I'M ORIGINAL POSTER OF THE QS...I don't like what Original Shiraz has posted here. Feels like she is totally on my husband's side and I haven't got the right answer. I want to know how to find out if he's actually cheating or not. Have already tried asking him.He gets defensive & very guarded.
I will really appreciate if other agony aunts can take some time to post their answers. Thank you in advance.
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (4 April 2009):
Right ok, take another look at your post, your concentration, the way you are, your life is revolved around this, dont ever forget whats truley important in life. You seem to miss the point slightly, your heart is already set on the plan of action but whats missing is the trust! you have no trust for your husband, your going through fertility treatment with a man you suspect is cheating, something is wrong here. Add it all up, your life has been taken over by this, its whats running you right now. Its not normal,you shouldnt need anyone to keep an eye on him, hes the man you married gave your life to, have a child by put all your trust into, share your days with and yet your life is full of what hes doing, whos he with, why when how? How is that normal to live, what relationship have you got? i feel his idea for you to go back to work was him thinking positive, people need motiation and to do things constantly, work ticks all the boxes. Your keeping yourself motivated my focusing on him and its not right.you state valied reasons for your suspions but this could fall right back onto you. without any soild facts to go on you dont have anything to prove and more to the point you dont know if thee is anything to prove yet! im not stciking up for the man as i feel he should of been a lot more switched on and your suspions would not of occured as hed be doin the reassuring and loving job that he promised to do but you could of got this so wrong and you have so much to loose dont risk it. He could simply be tied in so much with work at the moment espically at this time, he has a family to provide for not to metion trying to add to this, the current climate is helping nobody and he could be a genuine man trying to make an honest living blissfully unaware of his wifes accustations. Right now you are both breaking the boundaries of your marriage without even knowing it. what happened to honesty? trust? commitment? you are devoted to this man, the best thing you could do is talk to him, you need the truth and if hes genuine hes going to give it you. You dont need money or 'eyes' to hear the truth, remind him what he is to you, the father of your children the man you married. Battle through this together, you both need to be strong to even see a future.you love this man, fight for it. get your facts- from him, you want the truth? again get it from him its the only way youll ever really know. i understand you and im sorry if ive looked at this from the wrong angle, i see your point of view. you are a family struggling and you need each other right now. Talk to him and then work toward the next step. Best of luck please keep me posted on your situation again i am so sorry if this is the oppisite to your reality.
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