A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We've been together for 5 years and we lose that spark we had before. We almost argue and fight all the time and we broke up 3 months before and now getting back together again. But things have changed and so do our feelings. He said he doesn't know what he expect from this relationship as he feels we are two different people ( different background and hobby and thought).He's going to propose marry me next year, prepared all the things and I rejected him and since then he's so depressed and maybe that changes his feeling to me and become insecure and hard to trust me again. I'm the one who initiates dates and meeting now. He also doent make surprise for my birthday like before although he take me out for dinner and buy me gift. But he's just not excited like before. He got angry easily and said he's tired when we argue and ask me what do I think about our relationship? What if we are not together? While I can calm him down and promised I would change not nagging and asking to much.He's not used to be like this. I'm so sad right now. I know he's trying hard to gain money for our future but now I'm unsure about it, as he said he doesn't want to think much anymore. Could it be some factor affecting him to explain why he's acting like this?However, when we don't argue and things went right, he's still invites me to his family gatherings and still treat me like his girlfriend when we met. He's kind as usual to me and he also tell me to think what bedroom design that I like for us ( he also ask about it before he propose) which is good indicator that he's still thinking about marriage in future.I'm kind of introvert and don't have many friends. He said I can't help him much with him dealing with his problem as I don't have much knowledge and common sense because I don't socializing. I think its true. I don't know much about what happen outside. He told me to go on more outings and be socialiizng more so that I can learn more and be more mature?He said there's no woman like me nowadays that not thinking of career and doesn't want to move forward. I don't know why I feel so small after he told me that although I realize its true. He said he's okay with me being like this and tell me to do what I can and don't bother what he does. He knows which is right or wrong.I feel so helpless and depressed. I wish I can be more like a better person for him? I don't know why he loves me while I don't have any good quality in myself. Everytime I asked him about this he got angry. I just feeling so lonely and insecure right now and become so depend on him. I don't have much choice.What can I do to create that spark we had before again? And what can I do to bridge our relationship and better myself? I want to be with him but I just don't know how to make this relationship better and stuck at here.. I don't understand what he's thinking and what should I do.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (31 October 2014):
Hi there. It sounds like marriage shouldn't be on your agenda, while things are the way they are.
After 5 years of being together, you were both probably late teenage when you met, I am guessing.
Two people can change and mature a lot in that 5 years, definitely.
Perhaps you are both thinking - "Are we really suited?"
You both would have changed over that 5 years, and are now on two different life paths.
You said you had a 3 month break from each other a while ago, and it was probably because of this.
It could be that you both want different things, and this can be a problem.
One of you thinks you should stay together while the other has different ideas.
And so because of this, you need to find some time to sit down together and discuss it all - in great detail.
You say what you want from the relationship and how you feel.
And he does the same.
Let each other finish what they are saying, then talk about it, and see where it takes you.
And go from there.
The main thing is don't make assumptions, just be completely HONEST with each other.
And you can't go wrong.
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