A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is probably going to be very long, but I need to explain the whole scenario for you to see where I am coming from.I have been in loving and slightly dramatic relationship with my bf for a year and a half.by dramatic I mean everything ends up being drama and over reactions, short tempers etc.My bf is older than I am by 2years. He has more experience on the dating scene, has been in lots of relationships, whereas with I have had less and 2 serious relationships.I am soft hearted and soft spoken, and I admit to sometimes letting people walk over me as I avoid confrontation and like to keep the peace. Whereas he faces everything head on and is tempermental.. I guess that is perhaps what makes our realtionship work as we balance eachother out.He comes from a corporate background and is sometimes more formal in his approach and his choice of words..etc. and is quick on his feet and quick with his mouth.Don't get me wrong I too can be formal, I am self employed, but perhaps personally might not come across as being as formal or stern as him.Sometimes I feel I make too many mistakes that I over think things then end up stumbling over myself.. however he has even mentioned that little things about that he finds cute cause I am natural and random.He has a very short temper and there is almost no room to make a mistake twice.. making a mistake 3times he is already mad.We just came back from our vacation with friends and he fell ill (food poisoning)on the last day and was too ill to eat and I was really concerned as he isn't one that gets sick often and when he does he is very dramatic and moody.I tried my best to help but in the end felt like I got in the way with asking how he felt, and because he was feeling ill, he snapped alot at me and I didn't know what I had done wrong.We went to have lunch and the whole way he was cold towards me. when we arrived to have lunch, he was really hungry but couldn't eat and I asked if he wanted something small and he snapped saying what part of I can not eat do you not understand.I kept quiet, and tried to blow it over so I ordered a sandwich and fries, and it so happened to be the bigger sandwich on the menu, and the friend ordered something small.The whole time he had his back towards me and didn't look at me, so I thought he was still cross with me and I didn't know what I had done wrong.We finished up and he walked off still distant.The next day a friend of mine invited me for a birthday dinner last minute and I emailed him asking if he'd join me, he said it's better if I go as he is not feeling well. I was under the impression that I had said in my email that I'd then be going to the dinner.During the day he was very quiet and said he was going to sleep when he got home as he was feeling really ill, and I told him to relax and get some rest.I went to the dinner and whilst I was at the dinner he sent a message apologizing for being so cold on our way back was upset for being so ill and felt uneasy watching us having fun and talking and eating made him feel uneasy and hated feeling ill.Then I replied saying that I was worried then that I was leaving my friends dinner and on my way to my apartment.That's when things went bad!He then replied saying that he forgot that, and that I didn't say I was going.then he got really angry said that we should cancel our plans for the coming weekend and if some thing better comes up that I must go on my own. I aksed what happened, he replied saying that he is tired of us, everytime he gets upset he cools himself down then gets angry again.. he is tired of feeing angry and apologizing and feeling insecure about himself and being who he is.Then said that I was disrespectful about eating such a big meal when he had told me he was hungry but was too ill to eat. and that I went to my friends dinner and say nothing. that if it was him it's almost like he has to ask permission and that why is it ok for things to hurt me, and when it comes to him he needs to keep quiet.(thing is when we go out with our own friends separately i go out i go for coffee, it's simple, when he goes out he ends up drinking and partying for 2days)then he said that intentionally or not I make him so angry that he wants to break down and cry.That really hurt me! Ok yes, perhaps I didn't think, but I thought he knew that I would go to the dinner and by ordering a bigger sandwich I didn't mean any disrespect at all, and that it wasn't intentional. I felt so bad that I started crying and i apologized so many times, I felt like I was begging for forgiveness for something that was not done with the intention to hurt him.Am I really that bad? Am I really that "switched off"What can I do to be better?I try my best and I always mean the best and always try do whats best for him to make him happy then when I screw up everything blows up in my face and all of my other efforts go out the window.Am I worng or is that he was just really angry?
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male
reader, der_zyniker  +, writes (3 October 2010):
You are not a bad person. He is over reacting to things that he shouldn't be angery about in the first place. You deserve his respect and it sounds like you are getting very little respect to me. You did nothing wrong. I agree with Dorothy Dix in the area of your needs. You need to think about yourself and what you want more often. The relationship between you and your boyfriend sounds a lot like my parents relationship, the problems are just magnified in your case. My mom sounds a lot like you. My dad once told her that she really does need to be selfish once in a while. Think about what you want and not what you can give from time to time.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (2 October 2010):
 he is an angry man, you are tired of it. he needs to learn to cope with his anger, OR you need to find it less offensive- if neither of these ideas happens in reality then you are not a well matched couple.
go from there
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 September 2010):
Hi there. The problem might be that you try too hard to please him, and forgetting your own needs along the way.
Don't put his needs above yours in importance. You are just as important as him.
You might be doing too much for him and almost being like a mother to him.
Perhaps just cool it for a while and take a step backwards from everything. Don't try so hard to please him.
Try to gain some independence in your life, and make it as interesting and exciting as it can be. See your own friends, go out and see a movie, enjoy life, have fun, laugh and be happy.
Just be yourself, and believe in yourself and that you deserve to have the best that you can have in life. Don't be mistreated or taken for granted by anyone.
Start liking yourself and accept you for who you are - unconditionally. Try to make yourself happy instead of only trying to make him happy. His happiness is up to him.
We are each responsible for our own happiness - no-one else. We each have to make ourselves happy.
Don't call him or text him. Let him come to you.
As he has been unwell with the food poisoning, he will be a bit grumpy anyway, so let him get well.
Don't try to force things or get him to say what's bugging him. Just take it easy for a while with no pressure on him.
You also need to have some time apart to see your own friends and pursue hobbies. Too much time together can be suffocating. This is something to remember. Some time apart can breathe some fresh air into your relationship.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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