A
female
age
30-35,
*ieutenant
writes:I find it difficult to make friends; as a female I find it even harder to be friends with women. If I consider a person my friend, they become like family to me. It seems that I can't be friends with women because they just end up stabbing me in the back for no reason whatsoever. It's usually just out of the blue. For example, on saturday we're at the cinema having a blast, we kiss (platonic) and hug each other goodnight at the end of the night and on monday, they're spreading vicious rumours about me or just think that they're "friend circle" is too big, so i'm a good candidate to cut out. So, I gave up on having female friends and just tried with men.The problem is that with the males that i've been friends with, they abruptly stopped being friends with me as well. This has happened to me twice now. I am very aware of my social awkwardness, but when people get to know me, they will usually say "I had no idea you were so nice" or something along that line. One of my previous male friends suddenly tells me that he can't speak to me anymore because his gf said that he can't. The first time was understandable because the guy was my ex, so I totally respected and understood that his gf was not comfortable with our being friends; so I graciously accepted their decision that we don't stay in contact anymore. This second time just seemed like someone pulled the wool over my eyes. I was friends with this guy and I don't even talk to him a whole lot. Maybe twice a week at most and it's usually over skype. I hardly ever call him or text him, unless it's important and I need an immediate response. He lived in the same city as I did, but he moved away a couple of months ago to a small town that's only about 1 hour (2 tops) away; so I don't even get to see him anymore. We've been friends for almost a year. I was talking to him on skype earlier this week and he tells me that he has to go. He comes back about 20 minutes later and says that he had a fight with his gf and that she's jealous that he's speaking to me o_O. He said that she's been jealous for 3 months...I was very confused. I was friends with this man well before she came along; if I wanted him to be my bf, she wouldn't be his gf. I have ZERO intentions of doing anything inappropriate with this man, because I see him as my FRIEND and absolutely nothing more. Besides i'm celibate, so I would't even go there with him.He goes on to tell me that she doesn't want him to speak to me anymore. I told him to tell her that I don't want him and he's just a friend, I don't see him as anything more than a friend; but she was adamant. Today, he's deleted me off skype and i'm guessing he's blocked my number on his phone and here I am once again, friendless. *sighs*.I'm not one to have a lot of friends because the course I study in uni is very time consuming so I wouldn't have the time to keep up with a bunch of friends, however it's nice having someone to talk to in a non-romantic type of way. I'm not really sure what i'm doing wrong. Can you pleeassee give me some advice? What can I do to ensure that any future male friend's gf does not think i'm tryig to steal her bf?
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female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 Usually, the motivation behind this type of behavior from women is jealousy and insecurity. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact they base their opinions of themselves off comparing themselves to other women. They think every attractive woman is out to get them, and steal their partner if they have one. As for having male friends, I can tell you first hand it's going to be difficult. I truly understand what you're going through. This is something I've been looking for an answer for myself. You can't force their partners realize you're not out to steal their men. You can tell them, but it will just go in one ear, and out the other. Even if they're not afraid you'll steal them away, they don't like the idea of that their partner may be fantasizing about you, so they still don't want him around you. I guess the only thing you can do is not give up. I have noticed something over the years that's helped me with this problem a bit, (that is when becoming friends with single guys.) I've noticed 2 races of guys who generally don't become attracted to me. As strange as it sounds, I've found it to be true. I'm mixed race, and I guess I just don't appeal to those guys, but that makes them great friends because I know they don't have other intentions. Is there a type of guy who doesn't seem to be attracted to you? If so, your good personality will make them interested in being friends, but you won't have to worry about them wanting more. There is always that chance they'll get a girlfriend later on in your friendship, though, which will then probably end it. Unfortunately, I don't have an answer to what you should do after that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Sometimes friends have to be dropped in order for two people to focus on a relationship. And sometimes it isn't anything to do with how you go about being people's friends; some people will freak out when any girl comes around their boyfriend. Just remain the nice person that you are.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 How many gay guys are you friends with?? If you feel more comfortable with guys, they're the ones with the least "other women" drama. As for women, you're making friends with the wrong women. Real friends aren't like that, and I've found women to be the most loyal, the most caring, the most empathetic friends around. Find a different temprament of women, and you'll do a lot better. Also, with the "friend circle" thing, find an introvert for a friend. They value a few good friends over many acquaintances.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 September 2013):
 It's tough for some women to have friends because many women are extremely caddy. They size you up and try to complete with you. Especially if you are an attractive girl, which I'm going to assume you probably are. A lot of women can't stand to be around other pretty women because they feel threatened. Therefore they wind up judging and being bitches behind each others backs, etc. So it makes it really difficult for a lot of women to truly make any real, legitimate, close female friends.
On the other side of the spectrum, being friends with men becomes tricky, too, because when men and women are friends, often times one person likes the other. So having a true platonic male/female friendship is hard, also. I've known a lot of women who have tried to be friends with men, only to find out the guys wanted more from them than just friendship. And when the guys found out the girls only wanted to be their friends, they had no interest in keeping them around anymore. That's pretty common, as well. In your case, you said that if you wanted that guy to be your bf, she wouldn't be his gf. Which leads me to believe that you knew he used to have an interest in you? If that's correct, then perhaps his gf can sense that. I'm sure it's unnerving for her to know that at one time - or even still - her now bf wanted to be with you. Maybe he was giving her a reason to feel uncomfortable.
Anyway, I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding and keeping friends. one of these days you'll find some good people. Just hang in there.
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