A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I just got married in September, after being together two and a half years. We were driving home from his friends house the other night and talking about relationships and how funny people can get when they notice one small thing about someone and start to dislike them. His friend has a new girlfriend but isn't serious because she has 'funny ears'. Her ears aren't weird to me, but it seems that it's enough for his friend. So, hubby and I are talking about it and it's brought up that his friend is still in love with an ex, and that's probably why he's making it into a big deal. Now, in the beginning of our own relationship, we had a rocky time because he was chatting up his ex and lying to me about it. He mentioned (to contrast his friend) how he was completely ignoring her when he met me, and I said, yeah, at first... but things changed during easter when that stuff happened. I was saying it offhanded, but he got so bent out of shape. He was picking apart what I was saying, wanting me to clarify sentences over and over, even going so far as to make a quick 'pit stop' last second because he needed something to drink (we were 10 mins away from home). He just hates talking about it and does whatever possible to change the subject. How do I get him to not go so crazy over this? I'm trying to get over it and even though I brought it up, I wasn't trying to be rude about it, I was just clarifying. So, my question is (thanks for reading up until this point). How do I get him to stop focusing on the details in an effort to avoid talking about it. He's got so many 'distraction techniques' it drives me nuts. He wants specifics on what I mean, and he goes on about, well, it's not like I was really lying and I didn't say it like that, and that was on the 2nd, not on the 3rd. And if I say general statements, like, 'so how were you avoiding her and doing right by me when you lied to me about talking to her?' he either says, well, I wouldn't say talking, more like, messaging... or he makes pit stops, or purposefully stubs his toe to have to look down and concentrate on that. I feel like he's stalling so he doesn't have to answer! Thanks Aunts (and Uncles)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 It is a touchy subject for him, precisely because he knows he is in the wrong and he has to climb on mirrors to prove his point. Which he is willing to do and he is doing, because he does not like to be put on the wrong side, but , it costs him an effort so he tries to evade it.
I understand him :). Why do you need to discuss the subject and bring it up at all ? Do you want to talk it to death for the nest 20 years ?
It's over, it's done. He blew it and acted wrong at the beginning of your relationship. Still, the relationship went on, you forgave him, and even married him. If you have actually forgiven him, there's no need to furtherly dissect the episode ,- it is in the past ,let it go.
Well, I guess this time he called your comments on himself... still it would have been best for you not to start / get sucked into an argument about this, as a recently married couple don't you have anything more interesting to talk about ?...
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I agree that you should not have mentioned the episode with his ex, although he did invite such a statement by comparing himself to his friend. Nevertheless, if it was a touchy subject then no response at all might have been better.
As for your husband's tactics, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's not so much an attempt at diversion as it is an attempt to wear you down, to overwhelm and exhaust you with insignificant details. Then when you get fed up and just want to end the argument he can accuse you of running away without actually having to face any hard truths himself.
Don't engage him. Pick you battles and your moments. Less is more so say very little but make what you do say count. A well timed stoney silence can be very effective.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 "He just hates talking about it and does whatever possible to change the subject. "
Knowing this, why did you start talking about it? You just got married, tensions are known to be extra high at this time in a relationship. Lay on the low until it passes, and try to respect that he doesn't want to talk about this particular topic. Maybe you also need to bury the axe, after all you are married now. You need to get over what happened (or didn't happen) in the past with his ex, it was around two years ago.
We have a saying here: don't dig up the snow that fell last year. Meaning: when it's old and over with LET IT GO. Don't bring it up. I am sure you and your husband have debated this over and over and over, it's time to let it die. Don't you think?
"How do I get him to stop focusing on the details in an effort to avoid talking about it. "
Stop engaging in these silly arguments, that's how. Stop starting arguments would be my first advice, but next: just ignore it. Grow a thicker skin, and let it pass. If he wants to nitpick, let him. But don't give any extra information, or add any extra details, if he starts nitpicking. It's a mood he gets into, and something he does to let out frustration. Let him get over his frustration, rather than continue to frustrate him, and it will pass. You don't have to win every fight, you need to pick your battles. This one wasn't worth the bother, and you should have just let it go and let him "win", if you know what I mean. No one actually wins, but I mean you need to let him have the last word and not continue arguing. Just let it pass.
"And if I say general statements, like, 'so how were you avoiding her and doing right by me when you lied to me about talking to her?'"
This happened two years ago and you are married now. Let it go. Stop asking questions about things that happened and are long time over with. If you keep holding on to grudges your marriage will be short.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Stop playing his games.
IF he doesn't "get" your point the first time, I would tell him to drop the subject, because nothing good can come from it.
And.. pick your battles.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 "How do I get him to not go so crazy over this? I'm trying to get over it and even though I brought it up, I wasn't trying to be rude about it, I was just clarifying."
Simple: don't talk about it. Don't bring it up. And if he does, change the subject.
There's nothing to be gained by dwelling on this. Focus on having a positive present and future with your husband. The more you discuss it the worse it will get for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Sounds just like someone I know for more than half of my life( my husband). I understand very well what you mean, my husband does the same thing. Instead of staying with the topic, he says little things to go of the conversation. Don't let him do it, otherwise he will adapt this manner of speaking for years to come.
What helps me, I basically ignore his inquires about how I said it and his objections like I didn't talk, I messaged. I even agree with him, adding also that its the same thing, and I'd doesn't change the fact that it took place.
When he wants specifics, give it to him, but don't let him take of the topic
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