A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I have been really close friends with a guy since primary school, and even though I don't get to see him very much because I am away at uni, we always kept in contact over text, Facebook etc. Although now he is refusing to speak to me !And I think I know why; he has been dating this girl who lives out of town for a year now, and she knows all about our friendship. Apparently was fine with it, and even though I've never met her, I thought I would get on with her. Any ways, when I was home on a break I bumped into him on a night out and we chatted for a while. I was really glad to see him and he said the same, but after that he refused to text me back and has blocked me on Facebook! I texted asking what I've done but he ignored it. His friend says it's all because his girlfriend found out he met me on the night out and was livid. She made him choose between me, or her. And it looks like he's chosen her. I am really upset that our friendship obviously didn't mean much to him if he would be so quick to chuck it away. I really want to stay friends and I don't feel I have done anything wrong. What should I do?
View related questions:
a break, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2016):
 Am afraid there really is not a lot that you can do in this situation, his girlfriend obviously has trust issues with him, and well he obviously does not care much about your friendship or he would have told his girlfriend this. Look it is upsetting I know, but as you grow you will make and lose lots of new friends. Don't try to be a friend to someone who simply does not want your friendship. Just block him on Social Media, delete his phone number and let the friendship go.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 September 2016):
 You don't do anything. Because your friend has made his choice and if he's happier without you in his life, then so be it. His girlfriend made him choose but he had the choice... And he chose to cut you out of his life. You now know where you stand in his list of priorities. In any case, I'm sure most people would fight for their relationship than for a friendship and sadly that's how it is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2016): My advice to you being the receiving end of what I knew of someone who had done it to the best friend (she cut communication with him, except on group chats, after meeting a guy she decided to have a long-term relationship with) is this: IF you value him as a friend, you will be the same genuine friend when he comes back to you crying over the girl he loved. You will be honest about what he needs to hear to straighten up but you will assure him that he is capable of being his own person again and will find the right girl. BUT DO NOT WAIT for him and let it affect the direction you want to live your life just because a friend dropped you. Like other aunt said, any relationship (either friend or family), it's a two way street. Know your worth and the person you let in your life will value and need to earn that too. Otherwise, it's not worth losing your tears over. My friend's dilemma was because she was in love with her best friend but he doesn't seem interested in her so to keep the friendship, she had to keep her distance. It was after years later, before she needed to decide if she should marry her now ex-bf, that she confessed why. That friend apparently was hurt from the initial cutoff because he had feelings for her but he ALSO didn't act on it. Anyways, sadly it left him bitter and really had only hurtful words to her. The girl's initial reaction from hearing his side of the story since she cut things off was pain was from a broken-heart, because he said it's too late now, but ultimately from a great friendship and trust that is now lost. The things he said to her was really demeaning, he judged her character, not just that one act, without asking first why and she would never EVER be his friend again. Unless he tries to earn her trust back. That girl is so much happier now to have let that past with him go. Because she learned that life is not about being with someone, its about loving yourself and loving the people you care about because you are never alone, God is always there loving you and reminding you of your worth through the people He touches around you.Don't worry about it too much. Focus on yourself, in time you'll know the answer to this moment. Make new friends and do other things that will keep your mind off him. You can leave him a message and ask why but that's it. Be kind and live happily. A better friend will come. I guarantee it! My friend did.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (3 September 2016):
 Sadly, I'm afraid there's not much you can do. A friendship takes agreement from both parties to be friends. If he can't or won't continue the friendship, it's over, at least for the time being.
If it's any consolation, it doesn't sound like your friendship was meaningless to him. It sounds like he was given an ultimatum and decided that whatever meaning your friendship may have had, the long-term relationship he is currently in has to be his priority.
The silence and the blocking no doubt feel upsetting and extreme, and I'm sorry you're having to experience the loss of a friendship that was meaningful to you without any way to get closure from him over its ending.
All I can say to comfort you is that you didn't do anything wrong, so there may be well more to this situation than meets the eye. You have been his friend, but not, I assume, his romantic partner, or the jealous girlfriend would probably have made him stop contact with you a long time ago. He might be a great friend to you but a crappy partner to the women he dates (it happens!) Perhaps he has had trouble setting boundaries in relationships in the past and his girlfriend, having given him chances before, felt that this was the last straw. For example, say he once got drunk on a night out, made out with a strange girl, felt guilty and then confessed the encounter to his girlfriend. She might consequently insist that from then on his nights out not include alone time with other women when she's not present (whether or not this is a controlling request or a reasonable one would depend on whom you ask.) In such a situation, if a friend saw him with you on the night out and word got back to her via someone other than him, it wouldn't be as shocking for her to reverse course on being OK with your friendship online and ask that he cut contact. Maybe this wasn't even his first chance, maybe it was his third or fourth and she finally lost it and told him to block you. And there would be no way for him to defend maintaining contact with you without making it seem like he did perhaps have some sort of interest in you, so most smart men in that situation probably wouldn't try. I'm not trying to defend her actions OR his, just illustrating that there are two sides to every story and sometimes we don't get to see either one in its entirety.
It is definitely nothing YOU have done, so don't feel guilty or sorry for him. If it's any consolation, most healthy relationships tend not to include a lot of breakup ultimatums, so there is a better-than-good possibility he may someday be free to continue your friendship IF you are willing to forgive this and allow it.
Hope this helps. Best wishes!
...............................
|
