A
female
age
30-35,
*ik9
writes:So this is more of a rant than a question, but I would love to hear some other peoples' opinions or similar experiences to mine.I'm 25 years old and my 34-year-old boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. I know, it's a young relationship, but I am very happy with him. He's my best friend, makes me laugh, and this is the best relationship I've ever been in, so I'm hoping we can get past this stupid problem (Perhaps with your guys' excellent advice). Since the first month I began dating him I instantly noticed that he has a lot (hundreds) of "friends" on facebook who are very attractive young girls who have thousands of male admirers who regularly *like* their sexy selfies. He also *likes* these girls' pictures on a daily basis. Now, I wasn't snooping around his facebook when I discovered this. It was just so obvious because he does it constantly and it began popping up on my feed that he was liking all these pictures of other girls. There are a few girls in particular that he will *like* almost all of their pictures. At first I didn't think much of it, and since we had just started dating I didn't feel the need to question it. But as time went on, I developed very deep feelings for him. I fell in love. A few months ago I realized that he was still liking their pictures every day, and it began to really bother me. Please let me explain WHY it bothers me (this is important). It bothers me because these are real people. He might not know them in real life (I hope not at least), and I'm pretty sure he's not talking to any of them. BUT, every time he hits that LIKE button he is communicating to them directly. He's putting it out there for the girls to see (and for me to see) that he's into them. This is akin to us being at a bar together and him walking up to a cute girl and telling her to her face that he likes the way she looks, despite being in a relationship with me. It's just disrespectful. And if my friends and family are seeing it too, it's embarrassing. I really don't care if he's just admiring beautiful women. Looking at them is TOTALLY fine and TOTALLY normal. This I know. I check out other guys (and girls) too. But I don't let them know that I think they are sexy. The only person I tell is a hottie is my boyfriend. I have already told him that this really bothers me. I made it very clear that I trust him, but that I feel like the only girl's self esteem he should be raising is mine. Because it definitely doesn't make me feel good when he's generously passing out compliments to hot strangers while neglecting my need for compliments. And believe me, there have been days when he won't even notice me in my sexy little outfits or lingerie, but then turn around and start liking these pictures on facebook all night. I'd much rather him turn around and ignore me for the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue than to be ignoring me for REAL girls that he has real potential for communication with. I have communicated to him my feelings and have politely asked him to refrain from liking the pictures. I DID NOT ask him to delete them as friends, as I don't care if he's looking as long as he's not *LIKE*ing. He knows this. But he continues to do it every day. And it continues to bother me, slowly lowering my self-esteem. And now I'm wondering why he can't just give this one little thing up for me. It's as though it's an addiction. Is it really that hard to just stop pressing the LIKE button? C'mon now...I know that if this continues forever it will eventually make me feel like I'm not important enough for him to sacrifice his obsessive liking. I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum, but my feelings NEED to matter to the person I am with. And it's not like I'm being unreasonable and asking him to give up drinking, watching porn, smoking, hanging with his friends, etc. This makes sense to me as these are REAL girls (not just pictures) and it shouldn't be a big deal to him if he truly loves me.Know what I'm sayin??
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best friend, facebook, fell in love, notice me, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): I wouldn't put up with this any longer
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Sorry, I disagree with MSA completely. Where there is love concerned, it is very disrespectful to the woman. Take it from someone who knows. It hurts like heck for the man you love to continuously "like" women you can't compete with and I'll take it a step further........men who "friend" attractive women......real women while you're with him. I suspect at this point there wasn't real love on his part. A pity that any woman would have to discuss her partner's inappropriate behavior with him. He should know and care enough about her feelings to not have started this nonsense and disrespect. And yes, if he friends women he doesn't know, they should all be deleted. But really, at this point, is he worth it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Oh my goodness, at 34 he ought to know by now that it's completely pointless to "like" a picture of a girl he doesn't know. What does it accomplish? Those girls don't appreciate, his likes get lost within the many other thirsty guys liking their pictures. Besides that, they are heavily made up and their pictures are likely edited on top of that. I'm surprised so many men are fooled by that, to be honest. I'm not surprised teenaged boys are, but GROWN men? Come on. Any average woman could turn herself into a beauty queen on Facebook with makeup, push up bra, angles, filters, and a photo editing program. I wonder how he'd feel if YOU opened another Facebook account and started posting pictures like that daily? I bet he'd have a problem with it when the likes and comments from strange guys wanting to bone you started flowing in.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I so agree with Janniepeg and Cindy.
Seriously! A 34 year old man has nothing BETTER to do then be on FB "liking" pictures? I think it shows a LOW level of maturity on his behalf. More like a 13 year old who just discovered boobs...
I don't think it's a matter of him not being ABLE to stop, it's a choice. He is CHOOSING to "like" hot girls on Facebook regardless of how it make him SEEM or make you FEEL.
Sorry. Makes me think of him as a bit of a loser. I have a BIL who is mentally an 8-13 year old (he is 39) due to a car accident when he was 17. He has ABSOLUTELY no impulse control when it comes to women. Last month he case SOME chick (that he really didn't know) his entire disability check because she flashed some cleavage and batted her eyelashes. Unfortunately his dad can't have him declared unfit (we have tried that before, so that ONE person would manage his money and give him an "allowance" - otherwise he will give his money away to any skevy female with boobs.
Now my BIL can't entirely help it ( he has some rather serious brain damage going on after the accident). BUT your BF... should not have a big issue cutting the "liking the hotties" out.
And while I can't REALLY take social websites serious, I think it's actually kind of pathetic. To chose to be a ogling dirty old man at 34? that's ... sad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): I love this rant !!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I am glad that yours is not really a question, because I do not have a real answer for you- just my personal opinion.
Which it happens to be the exact same as Janniepeg's. Curiously I could almost use her exact words.
I don't want to offend anybody, but...ahem, are you sure you really love him, or like him ? or, whatever makes THIS the best relationship you ever had ?
Call me a snob or uptight or stuck up ( I can be, at times ) , but, same as Janniepeg , the problem that personally I would have with your bf's behaviour is that it would be such a total turn off. Bleah.
I mean, it's rather innocuous in itself, and you should not feel it as a critique to you or your sex appeal.
Like, I have a beautiful rose bush to look at in my beckyard, but I still like looking at other roses whenever I can; heck, I'll even pay costly tickets to go to flower shows and look at rose bushes not much different from mine. I just like roses very much.
But that 's the thing, unluckily not all hobbies and interests, at least IMO, have the same intellectual, moral and aesthetical validity. So yes, I would have a problem, I would be turned off by a 34 y.o. partner who has all this time to approve of female boobs on FB ( or
drool over tits and ass magazines, or consume porn REGULARLY ) . Because it spells gross ,uncouth and a bit pathetic to me.
I mean, come on, at 34 years, he's got youth ,
( hopefully ) health and, if he has a job and no kids, also some disposable income. Basically, the world is his oyster. And the best he can come up with to spend time, is drooling over FB hotties ?! With all that he could do , learn and see ?.
He could , say, read good books , or listen to great music. He could volunteer, or learn a language . He could practice a sport, or play an instrument, or travel,or grow his own vineyard. He could get a second job and save some money.
He could invest his time and energy and passion into zillions of things, and, seen that he has a girlfriend, why not into something he can do together with his girlfriend.
and what does he choose to do ?... To rate hotties on Facebook. My , how deep.How interesting.
Then again, maybe he is more to pity than to blame. It sounds it is a compulsion for him, he can't really help it. You told him time again to cut it, and one would think that a "normal " bf would comply- if not in order to avoid hurting your feelings, at least to make you stop kvetching about it. He could stop, if it wasn't a big deal for him. But, apparently it IS a big deal, and he won't stop ( nor be discrete about it ). Maybe he can't- when we think of addictions, we think mostly of alcohol and drugs, but people can be addicted even to chewing gum , or Gummi Bears , and to Facebook hotties as well I guess.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): hi I know exactly what you mean I have just came on here to post a similar question it is so frustrating trying to get through to them isn't it like for instance me and my boyfriend have been together for 17 months now he told me once he loves me and nothing since he says he doesn't feel the need to have to tell me but if we are out and I dress up sexy he doesn't notice but if a woman walks past and he stares at her even if someone walks past the house he does the same thing I never get compliments either I to don't know what to do about this
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): I hear you sister!
If a grown ass man doesn't see what's wrong with what he's doing he has issues.
He either doesn't care enough about you to stop. Or he's addicted.
Either way, is that the sort of baggage you want to take on for the rest of your life? You won't always be 25 and perky and this will really knock your confidence if you two settle together. Add to that his beer belly, balding head and erectile dysfunction - he'll look to these fb pages even more to escape his reality in 10 years.
Think carefully before investing more into this relationship.
Remember, it's not just the Facebook pages. He might well replace this vice by using more porn or dating sites. It's a thing, I kid you not.
At 34, I'm sure one of his exs has made a fuss about this.The fact that he didnt learn does not bode well. Teaching an old dogs New tricks and all that.
Love makes you irrational but at least you're walking into this with eyes wide open.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): It would totally bother me because he is judging womrn on what we all only ever seen to be judged on. The way we look. It shows a certain sense of entitlement and attitude towards women that strongly suggest as disrespect . Does he ever go online and praise the many women in the community making sacrifices daily and makinb changes in the world . Is he even aware of any women who have accomplished great things?
Or does he value women only for their appearance . Perhaps ask him about women he respects and admires ? See what he says . Are they only young and 'hot ' girls who have actually achieved little but to get their mascara on nicely?
This may not be a huge issue now but trust me, if you marry this man and have children with him ( eapecially girls ) you may become more concerned and hurt . Especially if as the other poster says he uses the eternal supply of 18-25 year olds online while you and he ( but the differnece is his aging won't matter to you ) continue to grow older get he never grows up
Go ahead and ask him about the qualities he admires in women and women he respects . His answers will be extremely revealing
I bet
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 July 2015):
 It's not a stupid problem. You are best friends. Perhaps you are only best friends having sex, and not really bfs/gfs. That's the real problem here. No woman would ever be perfect for him to stop looking at girls. Women will age, but there will always be an endless supply of beautiful girls ranged from 18-25 on Facebook.
I don't agree exactly that boyfriends have to raise your self esteem. They can stop doing things that trigger bad feelings or lower your self esteem. I don't think he's doing it to raise their self esteem. Rather, it gives him an ego stroke like he's a judge in front of a beauty pageant.
It would bother me for a different reason. It's a turn off. He should have better things to do than to look at pretty girls all night. He's at an age to be doing age appropriate things. At 34, if not thinking about settling down to have a family. He should be upgrading his career, helping parents. If he has a lot of money, then travelling. There are also many interesting things to look at on the internet. Global news. Different cultures.
It would bother me the same way if he were to look at Sports Illustrated all night, even if it's better than clicking like on Facebook. I am not sure if "liking" is the same as saying they are sexy. Even if he finds them sexy, clicking like is not as direct as sending a message that they are sexy.
As you were falling in love with him you looked past this issue. Now as you get more serious you can no longer ignore it. Your eyes are open and you are seeing him more clearly. Falling in love and who you can love long term can be different things. This behaviour can continue when men get into their 70's.
I would not be able to fall in love with someone like that. My heart would have protected me long time ago.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I drive by the Facebook campus every morning on my way to work... and I smile to myself every time I see the thumbs up sign in front of their campus.
I wonder how many couples had fights and even broken up because of this 'LIKE" that Facebook created lol... yet the initial intention was similar to a smile.
Please.. do not put so much focus on that 'LIKE'. He looked at the picture and LIKES IT! Simple as that.
If you don't have a problem with him looking at pretty girls' pictures then why do you have a problem when he likes them? It's not like the pretty girl in the picture is gunna lean out and give your boyfriend a kiss for 'liking' her?
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