A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship for almost two years now. I visit my boyfriend once every 4-6 weeks. I have two issues I'd like your opinion with. Thanks Aunties and Uncles!1. On my recent trip to visit him, I discovered that he blocked his ex during the week that I'm visiting and unblocks her when I'm gone.2. He injured his toe a few days prior to my visit. During my visit, I accompanied him to the hospital a few times. At one visit, I asked him if he still has his ex as his emergency contact. He assured me that he removed her. While we were registering, the nurse asked him to confirm his emergency contact, she says his ex's name and looks at me. I just stared at her speechless. Upon seeing my reaction, he immediately told her to change it to his Uncle. A little background : His ex calls him quite frequently. In the beginning I was OK with it, then it just seems like she was fishing for his attention non stop. He would ignore her and she would leave an 'important' message/inquiry forcing him to respond. We had a huge argument over this when she called on Valentine's Day while I was there celebrating with him. Then it appeared she totally stopped calling him because every time I asked, he'd say she hadn't called or left a message. I asked him whether he would choose to not tell me when she called just so I won't be mad. His word were : "I did think about doing that, but I want to be completely honest with you and I did promise you I will tell you every time she calls or texts or leave a voicemail. So I will continue to tell you and we will face this together if you get mad" I believed him. Until I was visiting him and checked his phone. We were at the doctor's office and I was mad that he lied about changing his emergency contact, so I took his phone and looked at the deleted messages and voicemails. I noticed that there were deleted voicemails and there were voicemails in a 'Blocked Calls' folder.. all from his ex. I showed him the phone and asked him why he never told me she called. He said he forgot..... Then I asked why did the voicemail that went to the 'Blocked Calls' folder was dated during the week I was there visiting him? I asked if he intentionally blocked her when Im visiting to create the illusion that they are not in contact. He said he thought it was better so that it can avoid arguments between us and I won't be mad all the time.What do you think of his reasoning and actions???
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2015):
 IF it works for you, then try it.
I think think it's akin to monitoring his behavior. You having the parent role and him the "wayward" child's.
I don't think it's entirely about insecurities, but boundaries.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2015):
 and right now this minute are you sure she is blocked?
are YOU SURE his splash screen is you?
you are trying to control something that you have NO CONTROL over.
I hope you find peace with this situation. keep us updated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneyPie - It's because we are in a LDR. I'm not there physically with him all of the time, therefore, it gives me reassurance to know that he is comfortable telling me when he is on contact with his ex. Just like he wants to know if I ever talk to my ex. I wish I can say that I'm a 100% confident type of girl who doesn't need to know what my boyfriend, who is thousands of miles away is doing with his ex. Unfortunately, I still have work to do in that department.SVC - Well, he did show me instantly that he still had her blocked. He also showed me instantly that our picture is on his phone screen. That was enough for me. I disagree with you on this though - I believe I DO have the right to ask him to share when his ex contacts him and what they talked about.. in summary, not word for word lol. He can choose to do it or not, and I can choose whether to stay with him or not. But as his girlfriend, I definitely have the right to let him know if his contact with someone is bothering me, and we will need to find a solution to resolve this. The truth is, I never had an issue with him staying in contact with his ex. She even accompanied him to the hospital one time and I didn't have a problem with that. She would call to see where he was and what he was doing and I was cool with all that. Its recent months that she started getting weird and it was clear she was fishing for attention, even HE realized that, and that was why he started to screen her calls. I don't have a problem with them being friends as long as the remain FRIENDS.Femaile Poster - You are right... unfortunately this boyfriend likes to always challenge me and see what he can get away with. This is an ongoing issue that we just need to keep working on. Not to say I'm perfect, as I have things I need to work on too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): I am sorry but this whole situation reminds me of when I taught at a school and constantly kept a special eye on children who were not expected to behave.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2015):
So if you set it up for him to LIE to you (show you a splash screen that he can change the red hot minute you are gone) how will this reassure you?
YOU do not have the right to demand that he tell you when she contacts him (or him her) or what they talk about.
It's NOT your call to make as to when he can and cannot or how he contacts someone.
IF you don't want a partner who is able to stay in touch with an ex (or chooses to do so) then this may not be the man for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2015):
WHY do you have to know if she calls and what they talk about?
I think you need to figure that one out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSVC you are correct. It really boils down to whether I accept it or not. Showing me that she was still blocked and asking him to put our picture on his phone's home screen was something he can do to give me some reassurance and make me happier and not mad at him anymore. I actually don't have a problem with him unblocking her or her calling. I just want to know WHEN she calls and WHAT it is about. That was all I asked of him. He calls/texts quite often through out the day and that was how we communicated even in the beginning of our relationship. I don't have a preference but this is how we chose to keep in touch and I'm fine with it. I work in an office and am able to answer calls or talk on the phone when I want to.. people here don't mind. Of course I don't do it all day long.HoneyPie, I don't and have never monitored him. This is the first time I've look at his phone although he has given me his password over a year ago. He has always been the one to let me know when his ex calls and I was fine as long as he let me know. It was up until about end of last year that she called so often that he started to screen her calls before answering that she would leave 'important' messages that require his response. I didn't like that so started to have a problem with it. All I asked from him was that he let me know when she calls. I will have a talk with him to re-iterate that. Asking him to show me she is still blocked and changing phone screen picture was something I asked him to do to make me feel better about the situation. I know it's not a cure. No one is perfect and we both have faults... just need to work on it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2015):
I don't think it SHOULD be your job to monitor your partner. HE knows what you think of it, he claims to have no interest in the ex - YET he continues.
All of a sudden you FEEL that he has to SHOW you he is keeping his word, and he should screenshot it so you can (in a parental way) monitor that he is NOT lying (for a change).
It's going to drive you nuts. Because you will start to wonder if he turns around right after the screenshot and unblock her - or if they still see each other and that is why he is so fastidious about calling you from places. I doubt he does that 24/7 and I question WHY he should even have to. Yes, he isn't trustworthy so lulling you into thinking these calls are making him transparent, but you CAN'T control him. Not what he does 24/7, what he think and feels.
YOU two want to make this work, TALK it through, tell him lying is not helping.
If it was me... I would be blunt, if he will NOT give up the contact with the ex, he can give up you. I would not want to "check" up on him, I would EXPECT him to act like a grown man and BE responsible for his actions. Your guy seems to have a knack for "spinning" a story to HIS benefit, instead of just being honest with you and take some responsibility for his actions.
YOU have to figure out what works for you. I can just tell you that the NEED to check up on him, is not healthy, and YOU are the one who will end up feeling nuts for doing it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2015):
I'm not Honeypie but I think your requests are ludicrous.
You can ask and he can do it then change it right back.
that's just bullshit posturing. either you are ok with him being in contact with his ex or not. IF not, then end it.
If you are ok with it, then so be it and keep on keeping on.
he calls you 24/7 do you not have work/school/other things.
what happens if you are not available to take his call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses. I agree and I understand that maybe I shouldn't keep giving him chance after chance. My dilemma is he actually takes the initiative to call me every time he is driving from one place to another, so I know where he is going and I know he is there because I hear the background noise. For example, when he goes to the gym, he will call me and we talk until he gets there and I hear the background noise of the gym. Or when he is going to hang out with a friend(s), I am talking to him on his drive there and I hear his friends voices when he arrives. These friends are close to me too, so if he was to bring a girl there or meet a girl there, I would hear about it. Although we are long distance, he takes the initiative to call me and text me every hour or two. We stay in contact all day from morning to night. Sometimes long chats, sometimes just a "Hi, How are you doing?" In short, I've never caught him doing something he shouldn't be doing.His explanation of the Emergency contact is that he did change it at one department, but it didn't get changed at another department. He said there's no reason to lie to me about that since I've been accompanying him to the Doctor's I'd find out anyway if he was lying. So, I will have to take his word for it that the hospital didn't update their records from one department to another.HE IS stupid for blocking his ex while I'm there and unblocking her when I'm gone. He's at fault and he knows it.I want to try to work this out....Honeypie, what do you think of my idea : 1. Ask him to show me that she is still blocked on his phone. He will need to take an instant screen shot of his phone and send it to me or he can show me over webcam.2. Ask him to use his and mine picture as his home screen picture on his phone. It can be a pic of us kissing.Do you think this last chance I'm giving him would work?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2015):
Yep, he is lying to "keep" the peace and make you think he wants nothing to do with her.
She IS obviously still VERY much in his life. And he is OBVIOUSLY a bit dense. I mean he KEEP lying and KEEPS getting caught. The thing is... there are no consequences for his actions. All that happens is that you get a little mad, he lie some more and then you are back to square one. Rise and repeat.
Normally I would say you two ought to work on getting geographically closer and take the Long distance out of the relationship, but honestly... I'm not even sure I'd advice to continue dating him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2015):
Asking over and over and getting the same answer that upsets you and taking no action tells him that he can keep doing it, listen to your "lip service" agree with you move on and disregard what you say anyway.
You are not there most of the time. He's clearly lying to appease you. You keep asking him things and checking up on him do you not trust him?
does he come to you or are you always the one going to him?
why after two years at your age are you two not together full time?
if you two have no end to the LD part of this R ending soon I think you are wasting your time with him.
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A
female
reader, shescute +, writes (15 July 2015):
 It sounds like there's definitely something fishy going on. If he knows you don't like something, like hiding his contact with his ex, he shouldn't continue to do it. Plus the fact that he flat out lied about the emergency contact thing and whether or not she had been calling. Do you think he actually forgot? And if he lied about it he obviously knew something was wrong. Lying is no good in a relationship, if I were in your position, I wouldn't trust him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): You're wasting your time with him.
It appears lying to you and doing things that upset you are both acceptable in his books. He's chosen his ex over building a strong honest relationship with you.
You're flagging a dead horse with this one.
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