A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm living with my father, because of my parents recent divorce (I'm ok with it, I could see it coming for a loooong time).My dad and I were alone, we needed to learn how to do the stuff my mom usually did - making soup, for example. So we kindly asked my grandma (on my mom's side) to help us for a week or so.It's been a month and she keeps showing up. She stops by at random times, nags about how the house's so dirty and messy (she thinks that having a trash basket with two pieces of trash is being unclean), moves things around to make the house look OK to her, not even caring if we want it. Even tho it's my house, if I don't agree with her suggestions, she'll nag me until the end of times. Also, she always uses the "I'm old and sick and sad and alone" card - which makes me even angrier, because it's NOT true.I told her she's NOT allowed to mess with my room: she complained for hours about how I don't want to learn to be a "good housewife", that I want everything my own way, that my room looks like a pigsty. And when she finally shut up, she continued to drop hints for days.I've talked to my dad about how I can deal with the house work by myself, that she can't be allowed to show up unannounced every day, because I feel like I can't be comfortable on my own house. My father says she just wants to help, that it's just the way she is, and I should just brush it off. However, I think she's like this because nobody has the guts to stand up and show her that she can't show up whenever she pleases nor boss around in other people's house.I know I sound super ungrateful, but I am thankful for the help she gave us. But this is too much.Not to mention that intimate moments with my boyfriend can't happen, because I can't just get the guy all worked up, then leaving him hanging because my grandma decided to show up.I once tried to see how far she'd go - she ringed the bell. I saw it was her, so I didn't open the door. I thought she'd walk away. She didn't. She got her keys (my dad gave her a set because she was supposed to stop by only when I am in college) and entered. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): Sounds like your dad isn't going to budge.
Have you considered moving into a dorm at the campus? Or get a small apartment off campus.
Maybe get a campus job to afford the dorm or apartment.
I did this. It cost more but I had my freedom and privacy and I was able to study in peace without intrusions.
Actually, I got tired of the dorm life because the dorm I was in had parties all the time so I moved off campus to an apartment where I could concentrate on my studies better and could walk to college. I also got a campus job to help with the rent.
A
male
reader, emad khan +, writes (12 February 2013):
 be happy to have your grandma there! I miss my grandma....I could never tell her how much I loved her, before she died....
I'm telling her now! Love you Grandma!!!!!
Give her a kiss everyday, and know, one day she will not be there, and you;ll miss her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): Thanks for all the answers.I have tried everything with my dad. I politely asked why he allows her to come over anytime and nag, I told it's annoying me very much, reminded that I can't even feel comfortable in my own house. His answer is always that it's just the way she is, that I shouldn't be rude and that I should appreciate that. He even gets mad at me for mentioning her.He makes me seem ungrateful, when the real problem is my grandma thinking I don't have a say in my own house.Also, my father's new girlfriend is my grandma's neighbor; they also get along. So I feel like I'll have to deal with this much more in the future.Even tho I'm a full time college student (I'm in Genetics, and it's a pretty hard course), I feel the need to drop it and get a job just so I can leave this house, so that I can feel I have a tiny bit of privacy and independence.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 HI
This can be a tricky situation for two reason's
1- She probably felt honoured to be asked for help....so just wants to help all the time, and maybe because your mum is no longer there feels she has to do the nagging. So if she is no longer needed then you could mention to your dad that she give the keys back, that she is still welcome but just as family not as help!
2- to make sure her daughters ex husband can't move on with someone else, and pass anything on to her daughter in regards to any new activity. if and a very BIG if that is the case then you could drop little hints to your dad, like " don;t you think it's weird she is here all the time? I wonder what it will be like if you ever meet someone new".......I'm sure that's not the case but either way she's obviously crossing boundaries now and it needs to be dealt with. But just rememeber she is still your granma so keep it dignified and respectful at all times. cause regardless of the reasons she loves you and wants the best for you ( even if she is going about it all wrong )
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Hi
She obviously needs to be needed. And your Mom is no doubt very glad that her own mother is leaving her alone.
But she seems to be over-stepping the mark, and she's not one to take a hint.
Time to tackle this very VERY firmly with your Dad. It's his mother in law and your grandma. But it is not something you can just 'brush off' and nor should you have to. You are an adult, not a child.
Maybe she feels proprietal about protecting you both.
Maybe your own Mom has given your grandma a few hints on what to pay particular attention too? Like keeping the grandchild (you) virginal :)
Tell your Dad how very VERY uncomfortable you feel. Particularly about the mis-use of the entry keys. She knows when you are in college or not.
I think a firm talk with grandma might not be enough since grandma does not seem to accept that there are some boundaries to be respected.
So you and your Dad could try the firm talk with grandma about not using the keys unilaterally any time it pleases grandma. But unbeknown to grandma change the locks.
Then if you are home alone and you don't open the door, and she still determinedly tries to enter the home
(and complains later that she could not get in) let her know that your talk about not entering the home when it suits her applies.
Maybe set up a regular time when she can drop by when she is welcome. Sunday for lunch maybe?
Then if that does not work you may have to be firmer.
And let her know that she is very welcome to visit when she is invited to visit. It sounds tough, but then again she sounds tough and she is not averse to a little manipulation too suit herself.
And just because she does not have her own set of interests and her own circle of friends it does not follow that you have to be continually put upon by a relative who just wants to nag and be critical.
There is respect versus completely unacceptable interference.
Stand your ground and respectfully insist on some respect being shown for your privacy.
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