A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, this is going to be long and complicated but I would really appreciate your help. I met my husband 8 years ago and we have just had a gorgeous daughter. Up until around 6 months ago we had a good relationship. Now I am all messed up because I feel I have been ignoring some really major issues all these years which are just catching up with me now. Throughout our relationship I have always been the main earner. He has had periods of unemployment and frankly seems to find it hard to hold down a job for a long time, I think because he lacks confidence and becomes the scapegoat in many situations. This has always been the case with his family also, they treat him as the black sheep and scapegoat him when anything goes wrong (and I do mean anything). I have always pushed him on to find work, and apart from a period when we were in our late teens he has always done his best. Same goes with his family, he does try to stand up for himself now, I have found the best way to help him is to boost his confidence and try to work through his issues with him. I never really read anything into this situation until I had to go on a maternity break (I’m starting work again next month). Without my wage we have had problems paying the bills, and my savings are running out. It doesn’t help that my husband has been doing a lot of overtime which he has not been paid for (he is working part time, I will explain why later), and seems unwilling to bring this up with his employer. Regardless of what I say to him he refuses to bring this up with them and tries to deny that it has happened at all (I can prove this from his wage slips). I really feel that he has been leaning on me for all of the time we have been together, and I didn’t make anything of it because with my wages we were doing fine and I suppose I brushed it under the carpet because I didn’t want to cause arguments etc. But during this last year I really needed him to support me. I feel he was happy to see me return to work while our daughter was so young rather than face up to this responsibility, and I have used up all of the savings we have worked for so I can be there a while longer for my little girl. Before I gave birth my husband worked as an agency worker, he knew that this meant that he could be made redundant with little notice and promised me that this was a temporary measure until he found something else. After 14 months work he lost his job with only days notice, and I was due to take maternity leave the following week. He took a part time job because it was readily available, and again has not tried to find anything more suitable. I have given up the hobbies I used to have because we cant afford them, but he still carries on with his and still goes out with his friends which we also cant afford, he says he would hate to loose contact which I can understand. He makes me feel very selfish for suggesting that he stops spending so much on his hobbies.He can be an unthoughtfull person, I have never received a birthday, Christmas or valentines day card and rarely a present, although I have always done this for him. I think this may be because his family have never done these things for him, but still I would really like to think that he thinks of me sometimes because I really do think of him and try to make these occasions special. And yes, I have brought this up with him several times over the years.Also there are a couple of things which have really been getting to me, and this may sound like I am grasping at straws here but these things really meant something to me. The first is the night he proposed to me, I already knew he was going to so he wouldn’t actually say the words because he would be “embarrassed”, so he put the ring on my finger then we went to bed. I feel I missed out on a lovely memory but I suppose its my fault really because he already told me he was going to do it so he already knew the answer. The second is the day I found I was pregnant. We had been trying for months and I thought we both really wanted a child because we had talked about it and planned it so thoroughly. When I showed him the positive test he said “ah, your pregnant”, smiled, then turned back to his face book account. He did seem really happy about it later but I was really hurt because it felt that speaking to his friends on the internet took precedence over something which I thought was so special. I have brought these occasions up to him and he seems sorry for the way he reacted, as I say he is not very thoughtful sometimes. All in all, I feel that I am only there to support him, to wash and clean for him and to provide sex. As friends we get on quite well and honestly we rarely argue, actually we avoid arguments like the plague so we get along quietly and as friends we laugh a lot together. But I cant help wondering whether I should continue with this relationship now I have seen it for what it is, because there is no passion between us and I feel that now that I have a little one who relies so heavily on me I need this relationship to be more equal. And sometimes I really need to feel special, he was my first so I have never really experienced this with anyone.Sorry for the length of this. Can anyone make any suggestions as to where I should go from here? I realise that I may sound very selfish for saying all of this but it is all really getting to me.
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female
reader, geoz +, writes (15 February 2009):
HiYour situation sounds a lot like what a close friend of mine has gone through (except, they did eventually split up - she's just started divorce proceedings - but this was a positive thing for her - although that's not what I'm suggesting might be good for you).You obviously love your husband but I think the reply from below is right - you are giving out mixed messages. Also, I have come to realise (from talking to my own husband with whom I have a similar close/best friend type of relationahip) that deep down me's self-esteem is very much tied in with their work. As you've always been the breadwinner and earnt more, I think this has affected him (even if he won't say so).I guess you are a very capable, independent person in many practical ways. I'm a bit like this - I don't "need" my husband for anything but I "want" him regardless of what he earns or does etc. That's usually a good thing, I think. But I think that it leaves him very few ways to support you and he possibly feels a little bit inadequate.As it's gone on so long now, a negative pattern has emergeg which means he probably lacks the self-confidence to do anything about the money issue with his employer. In some small ways, he needs to feel empowered and responsible again. I'm not sure how to do that either at the moment but I've found that I have started to let my husband make decisions and for him to "own" a problem, if that makes sense. My nephew told me once that even if he was going to a task himself but his mother then nags him to do it, he doesn't then do it - he felt a failure because his mother perceived him to be unable to think of doing things for himself.I think you both still have a future because it's clear you still care about each other and can laugh together. That's worth saving. With regards to him making you feel special - I think this is one of those age old male/famle communication problems that I am similarly working my way through. I found a very good book by Lou Paget called "How to give her absolute pleasure". It is about sex but it's more than that - it's written specifically for men and talks about the physical, emotional and psychological ways in which men can really make their women happy. Also, books by Nancy Friday which I have recently picked up have helped enormously to re-balance some of the intimacy issues between us.The other thing is, taking your time - let it all happen organically. It's about an attitude change to some extent. I've learnt that my husband gets confidence from feeling like he has achieved something - however big or small the task. So, these days, I DON'T do much DIY - I let him decorate or let him feel like there are things he can help me to do. Also, if there's something your husband is really good at, encourage him to turn this into a career or if he has a skilled hobby, see if there's a way he can do a job that includes something like that or something he enjoys. It sounds to me like he's in jobs that a) don't do his self-esteem much good b) he doesn't want to do.I'd re-do his CV and send it to one or two jobs he really wants and work on any skillsets that would help him get a better job. At the moment, he doesn't feel like he's as capable as you. (I am writing some of this based on things my husband has said to me over the years as well).I don't think he's lazy. If you think that out loud, your behaviour towards him will come across like that and he'll perceive himself to be a failure.I know it's hard to pick him up through tough times all the time when you have so much to balance. Some guys just don't know how to focus or what to do - and I think you're right that his family have probably been one of the factors in this.There's no easy solution. But communicating is a start. Maybe if you felt that he was getting some of the emotional things "right", everything else wouldn't feel so bad (after all, some of his work circumstances are not his fault).You need him in a stable job with a good income. I think that's the first practical thing he can try to do for himself with you encouraging him. There are also a lot of initiatives out there to help people improve their skills (I know the economy is not great at the moment) but even places like Tesco/Asda have management training programmes with good pay and hours (£30k onwards etc). He doesn't have to be doing these agency jobs if they aren't stable. I hope my response is of some help and apologies if it comes across in any way that was not intended. I think you will get the passion back (I am beginning to - and believe me, it's been a bad couple of years for us!) Those books are GOOD (but keep an open mind if you are a little bit disturbed by the ones by Nancy Friday!)Take careGeoz
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 February 2009):
 Oh dear. Let me tell you what has happened. You took up the "boyfriend project" and you failed.
You are the female equavillent of the husband who gets all excited about redoing the bathroom and a decade later it is still a construction zone.
Ask yourself this, with the benefit of hindsight, did his family have a POINT blaiming him for everything. Perhaps the reason they treat him as a failure is because he IS one?
I know this would be hard to admit because it would mean you having to accept that you wasted the last 8 years on a looser. 8 years you are not going to get back. Hell, unlike a DIY project you can't even get a pro in to fix things.
How many childeren do you have? Include the child you are having sex with in this count. Are you a partner, husband and wife or his mother? His caretaker? Is that what you want in a marriage? Someone who depends on you? It might have satisfied your maternal feelings early on, but now you got a real child to take care off and as you say, you need him to grow up and be a partner not a dependant.
If you do not agree that you have taken on the boyfriend project then answer me these questions:
What does he do bring into the relationship?
Do you think that you being with him will make him change his ways?
You say it yourself: "All in all, I feel that I am only there to support him, to wash and clean for him and to provide sex. As friends we get on quite well and honestly we rarely argue, actually we avoid arguments like the plague so we get along quietly and as friends we laugh a lot together. But I cant help wondering whether I should continue with this relationship now I have seen it for what it is, because there is no passion between us and I feel that now that I have a little one who relies so heavily on me I need this relationship to be more equal."
This is not a marriage. This a son living with his mother and refusing to grow up. Time for you to grow up and let go of the girlish idea that you can fix your boyfriend and turn him into prince charming with your love. Has never worked and will never work. Leave this stuff to the movies.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (15 February 2009):
 You've "molded" him into what he is now for 8 years! :-)He'll be kicking and screaming and sulking when you take away his "pacifiers" as Steve suggested, just like a child would. Change your cards' PINs, take out his name and access from the joint account, cancel any subcriptions on his name (for his hobbies), etc etc. If he says that you are "punishing" him, tell him that you are saving for your child's future education since he could not contribute, so you need to add it from somewhere without sacrificing other primary bills. After all, you've also gone without your hobbies for a while now.Cards and other romantic gestures are great but they are not primary needs. I had a boyfriend who kept never remembered getting me any cards. It got to a point where it was so hilarious (at least for me) that as soon as he walked in the house and saw my face and my finger pointing to the calendar ... he ran back out to get a Hallmark card. Sometimes it was near closing time of the store that he'd end up getting the most generic card! LOL I also have friends whose husbands either retire early (in their late 30s or early 40s) and became house-husbands and do everything in the house including tending to the children. But it is a situation where it was mutually agreed between the husband and wife. They had agreed on who pays what cost in the house (utilities, foods, health, etc). The husband then gets part time jobs to pay for his share of the costs, and his own hobbies. They both put in money for their children's education and savings, that they do not touch (unless it is for the children's own expenses). They even plan their holidays based on how much money they can spend with each one pitching in. This seems to work for at least 2 couples I know (1 couple very well off, and the other average/struggling like the rest of us), and they have been married 15-25 years, with children, and pets.And yes, they still "fight" every now and then, like any normal functional family. Like, forgetting to take trash out, late preparing dinner, different/conflicting decisions for the children, not asking how the day went, too tired for sex (after spending the whole day cleaning house, raking leaves, shovelling snow,ironing, etc etc etc) :-)The point is, lay down the "rules and responsibilities" in the household for each of you. Rule number One is of course to help each other :-) and this can be translated into sooo many positive things. I think he will appreciate you even more as he knows he has equal responsibility to the family as you do (not necessarily based on the money being put in). Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): I have read your post with great interest. My view is that you are beginning to feel annoyed about the situation and now seeing yourself as being used. This situation is familiar to me as I was a high earner and paid for everything and my husband had a selection of what I would frankly call menial jobs. When I had the children I too dipped into my savings and I felt he had not done enough to support me and was always leaning on me for financial support. This began to fester in me so I held back on giving him cash and it drove us apart. I began to see myself as a cash cow. It is important not to let these negative feelings build up inside you. I imagine there is a chance you are suffering a little from post natal depression after your little girl and these feelings become intensified in this situation. The best thing to do is accept that at the moment you do pay for everything. Acceptance of this sometimes helps as you no longer fight the feeling and accept it as your lot. I have found some men just are simply unable to hold down jobs for long. They are normally too outspoken to their bosses or just don't care enough, their friends, drinking and outside interests take preecedence. Although you need the money be careful not to go back to work before you are ready.
I can relate completely to your views on the marriage proposal and pregnancy result. My new husband told me in advance what he was going to do and although i wanted the one knee business and the ring and everything else he too was 'embarrassed' and unable to do this just sort of pushing the ring towards me at ther end of the meal. I was so disappointed and I did say that I was disappointed in the way he did it so he did it my way reluctantly but it obviously wasn't the same as it was now forced! i have realised that people do not think in the same way and trying to imagine that they will do it how you want is unrealistic and you are just going to upset yourself. Try going with the flow a bit. I think when you go back to work and are with your friends again as long as you are not worrying about your baby you will be able to put things into perspective a bit more. For the moment accept you are the main earner and just keep encouraging your husband and building up his confidence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Hi, You think you might be selfish for saying all this? well looks like i need a new dictionary. You are the opposite of selfish. Look how much you have given (and also given up)for him. Going out, hobbies etc. whilst he does the opposite.your message smacks of intelligence and dignity, its well written, which makes me think you know the answer already. He is using you and got used to a free ride (you know this). You want to either fix him or dump him, but is he really worth the effort? Because he was your first does not mean he is your last. You deserve better. If you do wish to try and fix him. Tell him that he has to try or he is out. Make sure you follow it up. It will hurt and be painful (and i can't comment on how to do this) but you have to follow through. You deserve more than him, at least from my view.Hugs Star.x.
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