A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:okay so... i found out im pregnant, 14 weeks gone, and the dad basicly said, if i didnt get rid, hed never have anything to do with me again.. of course i didnt get rid and he wants nothing more to do with me... we argued and havent spoke at all in about 6 weeks! hes actually moved house now! (which he was doing anyway) and he has a new phone number, so if i wanted to contact him, i couldnt, without going through other people...so basicly last night, i read something online about children who are brought up with one parent, they turn into angry adults and are usually very messed up inside! this sickened me, i was brought up by my mother (who has now passed away) and her husband, (my real dad passed away when i was 12) (im now 19 btw!) i think ive turned out ok! i live with my younger siblings, theres just the 4 of us! we've got a house, me and my sister both work... we've abit of money behind us and were a bloody good team i think! we have a good loving home to bring a baby into.. and i know he/she will not want for anything!! but if i brought him/her up understanding what happened, 'daddy walked away from the responsibility, not the child' kind of thing... it might help?... what do you think !!! i really dont want to be a let down mum!!! xalso - sorry if this question isnt appropriate for a cupid site! x
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 December 2011):
 Sorry it's taken time to respond, on some questions I find the words don't come so easily. You were very kind to update your post and thank us aunts, it's nice when people remember to do that.
Glad we made you cry.. lol.. yep, tears of joy are nice. The aunts who have children (I got none) have shared their best experiences, but left all the hard ones out.
Motherhood is hard I'm told, baby cries, baby shits, baby won't sleep, baby needs feeds... yep, you got more tears coming up.. but for now the joy is all that you need to concentrate on.
I'm sure you'll do fine, most mothers do, and every day in every way, that baby is going to bring more happiness than you can imagine.. and that's all that matters in the end.
Good luck, and drop back anytime, it's nice to hear when mum and baby are doing fine.. Blessings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so much for your answers everybody :) brought a lot of tears! lol especially miamine!! sat blubbing for about 15 minutes! haha, its amazing how much i care for this child already :) could of been made under better circumstance but im a strong beliver in fate! thankyou again :) very reassuring! xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): It's a hard row to hoe, but it is my favorite job in this life. No regrets there, best years of my life. Daddy, oh well, his loss, but it's a life, it goes on with or without.My son, loved by all, 3 more years of university, engagement in the works, and children, they want five of the rug rats.He's a great person, soul, son, man.Bless them all.As far as the dad, thank you from the bottom of my heartI got fantastic DNA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): What you hear about children who grow up with single parents is just a generalization. It may be true for some kids but that doesn't mean that your child is doomed!
Your ex-boyfriend sounds disrespectful and immature, and honestly your child will be better off for not being exposed to that. So that's a positive way that your child will be affected.
You sound like you'll do quite well bringing up your child. Just stay informed of what each stage of growing up will be like--take some child development classes if you can, or at least read up on stages of development as your child grows. Talk to him/her a lot from the time the baby arrives; read to him or her as s/he grows up; love your child; and everything will turn out fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): HI Firstly, im sorry you are having to deal with this alone. I know the feeling, I have three children of which I have virtualy brought up on my own. It's not easy BUT its very very rewarding...... That old saying about children going down the wrong road because they were brought up by just a mother OR just a father is a myth. My children are doing very well, and as long as you teach them the values of life you will be a great mother. And they are as you will probally already know, RESPECT, the P'S AND Q'S ( please and thank you ) knowing that learning is the most important thing for them, then the rest will come easy. Please dont worry, because NO ONE is handed a bring up your baby the right way book when they are born, all you can do is your best, and already you are showing you will be a great mother, JUST by asking the question you have. which shows me you want to put your child first. A ll I will say is are you REALLY ready to be a singlw parent ? because there will be no more going out with your freinds when you feel like it, no more spontaneous trips or parties, no more just chillin on your own, I know you guess what I mean. If you are 100% sure then go for it , you will work things out. BUT ONLY IF YOUR 100% SURE, if you have the slightest doubts in your mind then you may have to comes to terms with the fact that your not ready to go this alone. Also I know it's not the be all and end all, BUT once your a single parent, many guys will NOT want to be involved with you other than a booty call, because they dont want the reponsability of someone elses child. Can you deal with that ? I know it may sound all cute aaaaww a little baby, but trust me its very hard work. I am not trying to put you off, I just want you to know as a single parent myself, it's very very hard work, I have been on my own over 2 yrs now because not a lot of men can cope with another mans child. BUT I love my kids and they come first, so if it means alone then so be it. but im a few more years wiser than you, your so young with your wole life ahead of you, why do this to yourself now when I know one day the RIGHT man will come along, and you can build a proper fanily unit!!!!!!!! JUST THINK ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU GO AHEAD AND BRING A LIFE INTO THIS WORLD.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): The child will be badly affected, yes, but only if your a selfish badly behaved parent who really couldn't give a damn - only seeing the child as a means for extra income.
If, as you sound, your loving, caring and put your child first, the you will be a great Mum and a great role model.
Its a long,hard job bringing up a child alone, alot of sacrifices, but if you do the job right you will be rewarded ten fold.And one day you will marry ...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 December 2011):
Sorry forgot the link to the government site to see what pregnant women and children are entitled to.. http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/index.htm (if you continue working some of the money you claim will be paid back eventually through your taxes. Or if you decide not to work, then think about arranging community things for parents and children which might help life in your area become more happy for everyone. This will also ensure you and your child are not alone and socially isolated)Your 18, still a very young person, so you also need to have some goals about romance for yourself and work and career.. but all of that comes later. You still need to grow and achieve things to make yourself proud, and then your baby will be proud of you too, and will have a good example to follow.I'm done...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 December 2011):
No, children in single parent households know no different and they do fine if you arrange things properly. Children of single parents can be the most kind, responsible and loving kids in the world. Your UK, here's a charity which campaigns and gives advice on such issues.. don't think they are used much, and it seems like they are more popular with parents who are single through divorce. http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/ They do run activities and cheap holidays, which might help you when your child is older.Contact the CSA (Child Support Agency) https://www2.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/contact/index.asp about making sure this guy pays some child support.. he may not want a kid, well too bad, guys that don't wear condoms get to be called dad, no matter how hard they run. They should be able to track him down if you got a name, a previous address, a work place or something.Check out the government website, and make sure you claim everything you need for your pregnancy and for the baby. As a single parent you have to fight hard to make sure you kid gets everything it deserves.. throw pride out the window, kids needs are more important.Your question is welcome here, these are the kind of issues we deal with.. It's about your responsibility to your baby and building a good relationship with them so you both grow up healthy and happy.I've only known one child from a single parent who got into trouble, but that's because his mother decided to work abroad and left him alone (apart from grandma) and unsupervised. Ton's of single parents around me, and it's always by choice, because the father was useless or abusive. My parents divorced when I was 12.. and people think I'm OK. (smile)What do you tell the baby when it's older... I don't believe in lying to kids, because when they grow up and turn into a teen they get angry and start blaming you for everything. Lies destroy trust. I also don't believe in teaching children to hate men. So no harsh words about the dad. Truthful and honest, but fair and understanding about the failures of other people and how some people make mistakes.. That's how I explain these types of situations to children under 16.The story you tell... " I loved your dad and was so happy when I got pregnant with you. But your dad was a weak man, he was scared, he didn't think he would be a good father and so he went away. He moved away and we lost contact. It's sad that he never got to know you, but that's unfortunate for him, because you my baby are the best thing in the world"After 16.... your father was a useless wimp who ran away, and I don't want you to be like that, so always take care of your responsibilities...Sorry soon finish.. it's important for you to have friends and family around, so the child will have plenty of people to love them. If you don't have friends or family, join Gingerbread, or make friends with the neighbours. If you have a son, please be very careful to make sure there are older men in his life, like an uncle or a brother. He needs to see how good men live, you can teach him lots, but sometimes only a man will do. Same as a girl child, she must see strong men too, but it's more important for a boy to have a man to guide and mentor him.PS: Don't forget to ask for help... It takes a village to bring up a healthy and happy child. Also be very careful to ensure that you remain the adult and your child remains the child. Sometimes these roles can get blurred, because the child sees there are only you two, and wants to help and support you and so grows up too fast. Single parents can also tend to want to give the child everything and get frightened to discipline bad behaviour. This is a mistake, this spoils children, don't try to overcompensate for a missing father... Your young yourself, you will make mistakes, all mothers do. But be honest, loving, fair and firm to your child and be gentle with yourself and both of you should do just fine.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 December 2011):
I think chigirl's post is a very good one.
All I can say is that most children are affected by the parents that is present, not by the parent that isn't present. You sound like a very smart, caring girl who will make a great mother. Your child will respond to that.
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A
female
reader, jmr1993  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 Statistically, single parent households are actually less abusive (emotionally and physically) and children growing up in them grow up don't have a higher risk of becoming more angry or anything. And, boys who grow up with a mother usually show more signs of being more sensitive which is good for later years. This was actually something that was discussed in my last Interpersonal class and was something my teacher and just looked up before coming to class.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 No, children who are brought up by a single parents do just fine. It's the pro-marriage religious fanatics that argue intensively against single parenting and gays adopting, but there are no real scientific proof that says children can't do fine with a single parent, or gay parents for that matter. It's all a load of humbug propaganda. Filter through the propaganda and find the real facts on upbringing and taking care of a child instead.
I think it's GREAT for a child to have both parents around. Two parents who take good care of each other is a good role model. But siblings that take good care of each other are just as great as role models. Remember the part you play and the part people you bring into your childs life play. The father could be a horrible man to have around, just because he is the DAD doesn't make him a good influence or role model. Being the biological dad doesn't make you a good parent. So if he was ready to leave and emotionally blackmail you into having an abortion, well then good riddance. He'd have been a bad influence anyway, and someone who sounds like they just add more trouble than help out.
I was raised by a single mother. I wouldn't like to raise my future kids alone, but that's not to mean I don't think my children could be happy if I am forced to raise them alone. It's just preferable to have the father around to help out, and good to have around if he is a good man. If the father is not a good man then it is best to not have him involved too much. I'd have probably done tons better in my childhood if my father was left completely out of the loop, every other weekend with him was enough to mess me up, and his emotional blackmail, selfish attitude and hot temperament that scared me shitless and taught me how to be just as hot headed as him.. well, I could have done without that. My parents splitting up wasn't the issue, my father being the man he is is the issue. And I know for a fact that had he and my mother stayed together he would have been violent towards her and I'd have seen more violence than I did, so I am glad they left each other. He tried to choke her once, and he used to slap us kids around as well. So no, having the father around isn't always whats best for the kids...
Having GOOD role models around is what is important, no matter gender or family ties. Yes, children want someone of the same gender as themselves to look up to, as role models, but they can find much better role models in someone else other than their father or mother, should one of the parents not be there. They don't automatically get messed up even if they don't have this role model.
The number one thing that messes children up is instability. Make for a safe and secure home with good structures and stability, and you will do fine.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (11 December 2011):
 Well first of all let me say I'm sorry to hear about your mom and also your real father's passing. I can definitely relate- as I also have a mother who has passed away. What I can also relate to is the fact that I've come out o.k. in a single parent home.Wit that being said, if that dead beat father doesn't want to take responsibility, and don't want anything to do with an innocent young child who HE HELPED CREATE, then that's on him. YOU can make it! You came out o.k. in a single parent home, I came out o.k., and there are numerous people who have gone on to become very stable, successful,(and not troubled)who also grew up in single parent homes that came out just fine. Now don't get me wrong, obviously not having a dad in his/her life will have a huge affect on him/her growing up... as there would be plays, little league games, dances, and of course things children look for daddy to teach them to do. But what you have to do is be mom and pop. Give them double the attention and love they need, and they'll appreciate you for it as they grow up.
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