A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's a lack of communication between me and my boyfriend. It's not that we don't talk, but it's always the same things all the time - what we're doing, how we are, school, jobs, friends, etc. I could say all those things with just a mere acquaintance. I have a problem where I differentiate between a boyfriend and a friend. I feel like a boyfriend is someone special, but because I see things that way, I act differently with him, and it's creating problems between us in a way.What I mean is, I want to lose myself completely in a conversation, just laugh and discuss and hear each other's opinions like I do with my best friends, and yet I do not do that with him. Basically I don't see him as a best friend, although inside I know it should be right that I see him as a close friend. Sometimes I think it's because from the beginning of our relationship, I always only saw him as a significant other; I didn't go through the period of time where we became good friends. The naturalness of opening up to him and being myself around him was just absent. He admits it too, saying that I always have this barrier put up around myself. He asks me to be loud and talkative because he wants to see the real me.I admit that we don't seem to know much about each other, or at least we act that way...and he's agreed. I suggested that we have some more engaging, in depth things to talk about, something that we can really get into, something that we can make memories with. The reason I say nothing often is because we say the same things all the time! i don't know how else to answer. Yet he asked me what I want him to say to me...I don't have a list of topics we can discuss. it's not like I'd list them out, he'll say them, and everything will be fine.He says he's not used to talking about meaningful things anymore, that they don't come out easily from his mouth. I'm not sure how to interpret that. He says he doesn't know what to talk about besides daily life. he says he's never had problems with it, or he just hasn't realized them. But that's a problem to me...it's so mundane...I don't see a significant connection between us when we talk.I'm envious when he tells me about his friends. He knows it too, he can tell with my reactions. I envy that he can have such a good time with them, and I envy that they have the opportunity to experience that with him. he has a fantastic time with his friends, like they're his lifeline. It's to a point where i think he could live just fine without me there, because I don't seem to make his life very interesting. He said he doesn't find much to do or say, "because nothing happens with us". When I'm with him, I'm just...there, in a way. If someone asked him about us, there wouldn't be anything particularly amusing or interesting he could tell them.We seem to have expectations of each other, and we're not meeting them. He said we can either cosnider if what we have is worth continuing, or try something else to find what's missing between us. The problem is that he focuses so much on university and a job, that we hardly have time to interact with each other in person.He says he loves me because I am a great friend to him, I'm there when he's alone with no one to listen, we do share nice laughs together, I listen when he tells me his troubles and complaints. But the reality is that if we can't find that missing something...things probably won't work out.Another problem I see is that he doesn't take the relationship seriously. I never understood what he meant by that. He says a relationship is serious when you are looking for someone to spend your life with, or looking forward to spending your life with someone. I completely disagree...if I didn't take our relationship seriously now, why would I even bother developing anything and thinking about this current problem? I told him I might as well be a casual fling. He asked what I meant by that term. He then said he thinks he's going to disappoint me in the end....I assume that means he doesn't take me seriously after all even though I apparently mean something to him.It's only been half a year...but in all these months, i feel like not much has changed in terms of what we say to each other. We don't fight much, some occasional arguments and misunderstandings, but at the same time it's not like those have brought us closer together. Maybe in the end it's just because we didn't take the time to become good friends first. Yes I hope for a lasting relationship with him, but if we don't even have the same mentality or expectations for our relationship, i don't know where it's all going. I don't want to lose him over something like this, it should be fixable, but I'm at a loss as to what to do. The next time I see him, what if the same situation just occurs again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): It sounds like a platonic friendship with no spark - if you can't be yourself then he's not the man for you its just conveniance.
I would finish it and get out dating,having fun and getting to know yourself and what you DO want.
A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 O.k. first, I want to start with the fact that he doesn't take the relationship seriously. With him not doing so, I think could be the underlined reason for your lack of communication, spending time together, etc. If he really was "into you"- and viewed you as a potential marriage partner, or someone he believe he'll spend the rest of his life with, he'll make more of an effort to make the relationship better. And also with him thinking that he's just going to disappoint you in the end- gives him nothing to fight for in his mind. He has to believe himself- that the relationship can work... and he can be a good partner. So no matter what you do or say, it has to start with his belief. Otherwise you'll be the one continuing to give 100% in the relationship, while he's barely pushing out 50.And as you mentioned in the beginning of your post, he feels there's not much to talk about because nothing happens between you both. Well... talk with him about mutually enjoyable activities, and make plans to do them. If he puts it off, seems like he's caring less and less about the relationship, then you have to reconsider the relationship. You have to then think.. "Is this someone whom I want to invest more time in?" Is this someone I want to give more of my life to?" If necessary, I would recommend seeing a couples counselor. Hopefully he would be open to that idea... of course that's if he wants the relationship to work. But in any event, I wish you the very best!
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