A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. My boyfriend and I got into the worst argument we've ever gotten into last Friday. We've been together for almost two years now and that one topped them all. I will be honest that I barely have the energy and strength to explain everything that happened. What I will explain are the most important aspects in the whole situation..He feels like I don't respect him and that I don't listen to him. I'm over his house most of the time and when we get into little arguments he'll tell me to leave but instead I say "No, we have to fix this, let's just figure it out!" and because of me being so persistent especially in his house he gets really really upset about it. I understand now so well why he feels like I don't respect him or listen to him sometimes.Basically after our argument on Friday, we saw each other and spoke again on Sunday/Monday and were talking things out but it was really hard because we were both still so upset about everything. A lot was said and we were doing well until the last 5 minutes of our last encounter. It ended up in an argument and he left telling me "If you care about me you won't call me or text me or show up at my house unannounced. I need to be alone." I understand that he wants to not argue with me and I know that not talking to each other right now is good because by now I would've yelled at him I know it but because I haven't called him it's given me more time to relax, clear my mind and slowly re-cooperate and realize all the things I've done wrong to him.I know things are going to be good with the two of us, it's just I have to wait until he contacts me because I have to respect his needs right now. If I call him or try and contact him in any way, things will only get worse. I kind of feel like I have to prove myself to him, you know?I need your help and advice on this. What are your opinions on taking a break and giving your lover space after a horrible argument?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone's positive and helpful feedback. Things with my boyfriend are getting a lot better as of yet, and we're really getting a lot more serious and working things out. It's pretty hard to try and discuss every waking detail online and try and solve any given problem we might have especially with so many view points and answers but a lot of your responses have really helped me.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 I agree with YouWish.
I also learned the same, to never go to sleep without having resolved whatever issue it is first. My boyfriend and I may have had a few disagreements from time to time, but we always make sure to kiss and make up before its time to go to bed. I have never had an argument with him that has lasted longer than a few hours.
I think this says something about your boyfriend. It's not really the type of behaviour you want to see out of someone who you're supposed to be with for the long-term. It's quite immature, to be honest. One day when you guys aren't fighting, you should talk to him about the way he handles disagreements - but do it in a calm manner so that he doesn't feel like he's being attacked. Just let him know how it makes you feel when he shuts you out like that.
I just don't understand how you can shut out someone you supposedly LOVE, for days on end, simply because your significant other doesn't agree with you?
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A
male
reader, ask jack ax +, writes (3 March 2012):
I don't believe he is pouting or sulking over the argument. People get into disagreements all the time. I do not know the complete story with the O.P., but when you get into an argument and tell the person to leave it sounds to me like it's just a symptom of another problem.That problem could be is that person is starting to annoy you and is getting on your nerves.The girlfriend rightfully doesn't understand where's he coming from. She thinks they can rationally talk it out. But the argument is not about logic per se, it's just a way of expressing his frustration that he's not getting anytime for himself.Many people need alone time away from obligations,people and excitement just to recharge after a long day of work or school.If they don't get it they start to become irritable and things that seem insignificant will annoy them. The arguments are just a way to say "look don't bother me i am not in a mood for people for the time being".He even stated "just leave" which means to me he is not in the mood for interacting or socializing with people right then. Give him enough time alone to rest and relax and nature will heal the relationship, but if she keeps trying to rationally solve it may just force him in a corner just to break the relationship just to get some peace, rest (mental), quiet and relaxation. No relationship is worth it if it just brings you stress and frustration.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 March 2012):
 There's nothing wrong with mental exhaustion. I think that's comparing apples to oranges. I love solitude. A dream vacation for me would be two weeks sailing on the ocean by myself!
But being exhausted and wanting some alone time is different than shutting out the person you're arguing with for weeks at a time.
Female anon with the in-laws who've been married 45 years, first of all, that's commendable! Second of all, you can see how destructive on relationships the sulking behavior is. I would say that her controlling has affected all of the relationships she's had, including with her son and your husband.
My parents have been married 43 years too, and my husband's parents just celebrated 42 years. I made a point to observe how my in-laws treated each other during a disagreement, and both my parents and them have huge arguments, and on the big ones one or the other will either go take a drive to cool off, or run to their room. Point is, within an hour or two, they're back and talking about the disagreement much more rationally. It may have taken a few hours, but in the end, it was resolved. It showed that even in the harshest disagreements, everyone still loved each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): "When relationships get more serious, i.e. in a marriage or when children enter the scene, there's no luxury in disappearing for a week when the going gets rough."
Actually, my parents in law have been married over 45 years, and my MIL constantly does this sulking thing for days at a time. she totally controls my FIL, and all her grown children by sulking and pouting for days even weeks at a time when she doesn't get her way. And yet, their marriage has lasted 45 years and doesn't seem about to end anytime soon.
I'm not advocating bad behavior because I see what my MIL does to my FIL and find it disgusting. But he's obviously OK with it and since he's the one married to her, who am I to judge? Just saying that some people are just like that, and if their spouse for whatever reason is able to accept it, and amuse themselves for the entire week while the sulking spouse is busy withdrawing and sulking, then so what?
apart from that, I'm more on the side of giving the OP's bf the space he requests. you should respect his needs, if your behavior is what has caused him so much hurt that he is withdrawing. that's only fair. You can't build trust if you don't respect your partner's needs to not have you in their face all the time. and obviously considering that you have fought before and are STILL fighting, that clearly when he does NOT withdraw and engages with you, it still doesn't solve anything.
If he needs a long time to recover and think, then that's what he needs. it may not be manipulation, if it's honestly just him needing the space because the last fight was so emotionally traumatic.
I don't think it will get you anywhere to be forcing someone to engage with you, who doesn't want to engage or who can't. Especially if it has been YOUR past behavior that has made them so unwilling to engage with you.
So dont' contact him first, since he explicitly said he doesn't want that. however, I do think that you do have a right to decide that you will not stay in a relationship with someone who refuses to engage with you, and this is different. Here you are not encroaching on his needs or boundaries, you're allowing him to do as he needs or wants, just that you will make your own choices for yourself.
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A
male
reader, ask jack ax +, writes (2 March 2012):
He's mentally exhausted. When people hit that stage they need complete rest of mind and soul together with the right food , quiet and seclusion, and above all pure fresh air. It will pay to lay off him for a while so he can recharge his mind and come back a new man in health and mental capacity. That's why people want their "me" days. People can draw you out and absorb you. They eat up your very life forces and leave you exhausted if you let them. We need days where we can live a simple life ,away from obligations, away from excitement and especially away from people. When you take that away from an individual they start to get irritable. It's similar to depriving a person of sleep and physical rest except it's in the mental realm. Eventually they will deeply resent you. So people if you significant other starts to feel like that you need to lay off and let them have time for themselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question I understand where both sides are coming from. In my personal case, and this whole situation I'm going through, I understand that my boyfriend is a man who truly needs this. And I can honestly say that I think it's good even though I've dealt with so much hurt. I know if I had called yesterday or the day before yesterday that at some point in either of those conversations an argument would have leashed out. From my experience with him, I know that it's extremely hard to speak with him when we're BOTH upset, you know? His needs need to be met and my needs need to be met. But when two people come together and both are flaring with anger towards each other, nothing is going to go well.
I love him immensely and I know he does I. I honestly want nothing more than to make our relationship work and be with him until the very end. I will do anything to survive these battles we have and issues we deal with.
I know that I shouldn't have to deal with this. I know. I also know that when we talk again we will figure things out and make things work. I feel like this is the lowest point in our relationship and the only way for us to move is up and if it's gonna take a few days then I'll have to deal with it and when I speak to him we are going to resolve this. I won't let it be any other way. I will do nothing more than make this work.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I believe you've described a "relationship" which has repeated "arguments"..... Frankly, I don't think that "relationships" which are based upon arguments (hence: "drama") are much worth it.....
I'd have walked away from you months ago.... sometime shortly after the fourth argument....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2012):
I'll totally concede, AuntyEm, that you're right in that they're young, so there is room for lessons to be learned. You're also right in that it's likely that if she requires him to talk to her now, he most likely will stubbornly entrench himself into his silence.
I guess where I'm coming from and one reason I reacted the way I did was the OP's original comment that she feels like she must "prove herself" to him. I have no doubt that this was the guy's aim all along...to get her to prove herself to him. I have a huge problem with an argument between two that results in one person being made to feel like he or she must bend over backwards and prove themselves in order to resolve an argument. That's no resolution...that's getting someone to submit using emotional blackmail to get what you want. It broke my heart to see her type that.
My parents raised me to never let the sun set on an argument, to get a disagreement out, exposed, and dealt with so that we could get it resolved, forgiven, and past. This is assuming that it isn't about cheating or someone committing a crime.
I know it sometimes takes more than a day to resolve it, and sometimes a cooling off period is necessary. The point is that resolution and not the silent treatment is the foremost thought in both people's minds. If this guy cared about this girl, he wouldn't abandon her for days on end simply because he was mad at her.
I actually love this conversation, and learn a lot from people with differing opinions than mine. AuntyEm, you've been one of my all-time favorite aunts since I came here, and I appreciate the different perspective.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I happen to agree with YouWish
a bit of space is fine but days and days on end to me would signal the END of the relationship.
Part of the resolution of a fight is to address it not just hide from it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Yep I get your point 100% and it is a bit of a flag but these are quite young people and I still think there is room for lessons to be learned. The trouble is that if she calls him now and demands he come back to speak to her, both you and I know he ain't gonna do it if he feels forced (typical man behaviour) and then the void between them will get bigger and bigger. I am sure if this keeps happening then the OP will work out that he isn't a good long term prospect but right now, I think it deserved a second chance.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2012):
Think about what this is saying though. The subject of the argument they had is irrelevant, which is why I didn't ask.
This guy, in setting this precedent (i.e. disappearing for a week after an argument) that the girl better not even think about talking to him while he's mad. He's also saying something else -- basically conditioning her to never, ever argue with him or risk being shut out.
The advice to just love him through it until he comes around on his time may work in a casual relationship, but it doesn't in a marriage or a live-together scenario, and in any relationship, looking ahead is so utterly crucial that in an argument, how he handles it is absolutely essential to assessing character.
I'm not suggesting simply an ultimatum or an empty threat in order to get someone to do something. However, his sulking for a week, his manipulation of her "If you care for me, you will not contact me" would raise a massive red flag for me that this is the way he handles the hard stuff in a relationship. When relationships get more serious, i.e. in a marriage or when children enter the scene, there's no luxury in disappearing for a week when the going gets rough.
If it were me, I wouldn't even threaten. I can understand taking a couple of days to cool off and then resolve the situation, but the week of "don't even think of talking to me" is emotional abuse of the first degree, and I can never ever consciously tell a girl who is experiencing it to grin, bear it, and let him stop the abuse when he feels like it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 March 2012):
With respect, ultimatums are fine if you intend to carry them out if the other person does not respond. I don't think this OP wants to make that threat to her BF.
We also don't know what the argument is about and it could be something that the bloke needs to really have space to think about. The OP did see/speak to him on Monday so it hasn't quite been a week. I think there is still time to let things settle further.
I don't see any reason to start applying embargos and threats to end things for the sake of a few more days. If the relationship is going to end, why rush it to its death before the dust has settled.
When the BF does come back (and he will) then that will be the time to say ' I didn't like you treating me that way, can we not do that again'
I think there is still hope here, but yep it is annoying to be banished!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): Sorry, I don't agree with "You Wish". The only thing your guy has asked is:
"If you care about me you won't call me or text me or show up at my house unannounced. I need to be alone."
GIVE HIM THE SPACE HE ASKED. RESPECT HIS WISHES. If you do, I am SURE he will be grateful, will have the time required to think, and realise if he wants to proceed or not. You can't force it. By forcing the issue, you WILL TURN HIM AWAY.
Spend the time out for yourself - reflect on everything that was said during the arguments, and see where you could have been in the wrong? Prepare an apology, and look at ways to change any action/behaviour/habit. If you find nothing wanting, then look at him. His actions, his words, and what he said? Anything you feel is unacceptable? Then write those down, what you think and feel, and be ready for when HE CALLS YOU. Do NOT contact him until he does you. If he never calls you ever again, well there is your answer. If he calls you, it's when he has had time to cool down, and process everything that has happened, to proceed further.
Good Luck & Best Wishes - keep us posted on new developments.
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2012):
I do have a different view to this situation than AuntyEm, though I respect what she says.
There's nothing acceptable or manly with dragging out an argument for 6 days. Really? 6 days to sulk, pout, and be alone? If I ever dated a guy who sulked for almost a week over a fight, he wouldn't be the guy for me. Sorry, but when you get married, there is no running off to be alone for weeks at a time.
Sorry, but 3 days afterwards, while you were talking things out, his saying "If you care about me you won't call me or text me or show up at my house unannounced. I need to be alone.", my response would have been that he can stay alone. That's simple manipulation. If HE cared about you, you gave him his space for 3 days (already way too long to let an argument drag out), and now he needs to respect you and either resolve the argument or break up.
Again, after Monday, it's now Thursday. This isn't being a guy. This is childish punishment. In the workforce, when someone doesn't show up for 3 days for work, that's considered voluntary resignation, and the job is lost.
If he's not showing up to be a boyfriend for a week after a fight, that's a breakup in my opinion. Call him, tell him that unless he comes over to YOUR house and resolves this in the next 3 hours, then it's over, and that he can be alone for good. What he's doing is way out of bounds.
Most guys don't need a week to pout after an argument. I can understand a day or even 2, but a week is crap and I wouldn't come close to standing for it. Respect goes both ways, and by his actions he's not respecting you or what you have to say at all, or he wouldn't shut you out for a week.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEm - Thank you so much for all of your reason. You have summed it up so well. I feel so much better now, and I know that things will work out.
I really appreciate it. :)
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 March 2012):
It's the typical Men are from Mars, women are from Venus set up.
When a problem/argument happens, men are compelled to have space, go into their cave and find a solution by themselves.
When a problem/argument happens, women are compelled to talk about it, rake over the most minute details and analyse until they find a solution.
Therein lies the difference between men and women.
Men get angry and annoyed if you 'try to go into their cave to talk, and women get angry and annoyed if their partner turns his back on them, thus sparking fears of abandonment and rejection.
The best solution is to give him the space (because believe me, he isn't going to honour your need to talk about things until he is 100% ready. This is the reason why you argued a second time, because you forced the issue too soon and he immediately retreated to 'cave status'...in fact he almost commanded that you give him space.
Of course, as women we feel disgruntled at having to wait for 'his royal highness' to get his arse back to the negotiation table...it's annoying and our minds play wild tricks on us wondering if he's even going to return, but this is why we have girl friends, mothers and sisters...so we can let off the steam and bitch, moan and sympathise in complete safety. Then we can be calmer and get our point across when he is ready to listen.
You obviously have faith in your relationship with him so I think you can comfortably give him the space he needs to mull it over. Try not to wallow, use the time to see your friends and family and top up on your girl chat. He will come back when he misses you and all will again be well.
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