A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years-engaged for 9. He's 37 I'm 31. We've lived at my moms house for many years trying to save enough money to buy our first home and subsequently get married. We're close to building our home hopefully next year, although it won't be paid off. It's ideal for me to have my house paid off before having kids because I find a mortgage and unexpected life expenses incompatible with the cost of having children. My issue is that I'm starting to feel the ticking of my biological clock, and we're both on the fence about having kids wondering if we would regret it if we did or didn't. I was honestly expecting this overwhelming desire or urgent NEED to have kids...but it just isn't happening and I'm just kinda apathetic about the idea. We both think we want one because we might regret it later, but also really apprehensive about losing the free-time and freedom we currently enjoy.This concern is more in the forefront as we recently discovered my fiance' has testicular cancer and just underwent an orchiectomy to remove one. So my question is, what are your experiences in knowing when it's the right time to have kids? Did you get that baby-crazed feeling? Those without kids, did you regret it later on in life?
View related questions:
fiance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (7 August 2020):
I loved being a dad, and miss every second of it. I even miss the diaper changes. For me, every moment with my kids was a bonding moment. To love them, and have them love you back. Not because of material things, but just because they give you back the love you give them.
To watch them learn new things, and experience the world through them. What you see everyday and means nothing to you, they are blown away by the same thing. Like seeing the full moon for the first time. Or a butterfly in the summer. My kids are in their twenties now, and we still as close now as when they were kids.
Having a child in itself is a challenge. Some women have a hard time getting pregnant. Some can't get pregnant at all. Other lose their baby before it's born. So having a baby is blessing...not a right.
If you prefer your freedom, then having kids is not for you. My freedom was spent listening to the most heart warming sounds ever...The laughter of my kids. You have the most stressful day...listen to a baby laugh...stress is gone. They laugh and you start laughting too.
Remember one thing...When you are leaving this world later in life...You and your husband will no longer exist. Their will be no one to carry on your name. No one to remember you. Life for both of you ends right there. I am sure you have learnt a lot from your mom or dad. But no one will learn from you.
However...Do not have kids just to carry on your name. Kids are 24/7, 365 days job...No vacation time from being a parent. Even when you manage to go away without them, your mind is still worrying about them.
So if you love the way your life is now...Stay that way.
People have been trying to live forever. Ours kids is how we do that very thing. Look at the Royal Family...They can trace their blood line hundreds of years back.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (5 August 2020):
 As a mother, I completely agree with mrswaldhauser in that there is never a right time to have children.
All the planning in the world will never prepare you for the total whirlwind that is a newborn baby. It's true that they're expensive and that they will kerb your freedom and free time. Children are exhausting and it's a massive responsibility but I'm telling you straight, you will NEVER regret it, honestly!
The moment that child is placed in your arms you will fall in love in way you never have before and you very quickly realise that you can't imagine your life without them.
Yes, your life will change but not for the worse, children bring so much joy and love with them. And when they grow up, which they do (far to fast I might add) you will once again have your freedom and free time back.....strange thing is, you then yearn for the baby years back again!
If you choose not to have children be comfortable with that choice and move forwards from there. As long as you and your partner are both totally honest with each other and aren't compromising to make the other happy you won't regret your decision.
I wish you both all the luck in the world with your new life together and the decision that you make. I hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): While it makes life almost perfect if you have paid off the house before you have a baby and raise a family most do not have that luxury. If perfection is important it will never happen.
I have noticed that some focus their whole life and all of their money on their kids - even if the kids spit in their eye, abuse them and do not love them or like them or a do a thing for them in return. One of my friends sends money to her son in USA regularly, she sends him clothes and presents of all sorts to the whole family regularly, yet she has very little money and goes without to do this. He is too lazy to get a job and sits around playing computer games all day. He cannot be bothered to phone her or email her let alone visit her. In a way how expensive it is depends on how soft you are. Some parents get by with second hand stuff, the basics, the minimum and when the kids are grown then have to pay their way. What sort of life do you envisage for yourself and your kids? Work it all out and take everything into account.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2020): It is different for everyone. Some are very maternal and motherly and would be feeling empty and desolate without it. Others are more career focused, prefer to be single or would prefer to have more time and spare cash. Only you know what is for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, mrswaldhauser +, writes (3 August 2020):
 The honest answer I can give is there is never a right time to have children. Raising children brings with it so many unexpected things you can never fully be prepared. The fact that you have nearly completed building your own home makes you in a much better situation than I was in when I had my daughter. People raise children with mortgages and rent to pay, I was one of them. You can make it work. There will always be difficult times financially when raising children but that is just life. If having children is something you really both want I would agree with you about the ticking clock and get right on it!Many people who are older who have children have the same fears you both do about losing your free time and independence. My sister is currently going through the same thing with her partner as they are both older and he will be 40 next year. The honest reason is because you've enjoyed having your life as it is so perhaps you both need to sit down and really think about the big changes you will have to make in your life and the many sacrifices that all good parents make. If you are prepared to make them and forego your "freedom", as it were, then get right on it!I wish you both the best of luck and all the happiness for the future. Congratulations on your new home when it's finished!
...............................
|
