A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm having the most troubling time. I'll start explaining from the beginning. (lets call him J)I met J my first year of college. At the time we both had someone we were dating, so we never bothered getting close or anything. maybe 2 months pass and we begin to talk a tad bit more. we begin to hang out and really get to know each other by the second semester. we began messaging regularly and hanging out at school very often. eventually we hang out outside of school. we started talking about deep important moments in our lives. a bond begins to grow, even though he has someone else and so do i. Eventually me and my boyfriend at that time broke up but not because of J. We broke up because me and him were on different pages and we understood that. So since I became single J invited me to a college party that went on for 3 days. we'd sleep in a dorm with his friends. I agreed because i thought it'd be fun. J still had a girlfriend at this time. We went to this college party and got really close. We slept next to each other and cuddled a little bit and almost kissed. After coming home J had broken up with his girlfriend because of the same reason me and my now ex boyfriend. The day after he was finally single, we kissed.I was very happy but i didnt want to make it a habit because I did not want to be some rebound to him. So i avoided giving the rebound vibes. Eventually we did kiss again and again and I slept at his house. We had sex. He was the first guy I have had sex with. he knows this. We got even closer and he'd hold me by my waist in public and during school he'd drop me off at my classroom door and give me a big hug and an occasional kiss. everyone thought we were dating. I honestly thought so too at some points but knew i couldnt just assume.i remained quiet about our relationship and didnt voice any concerns to J about it. now we tell each other we like each other and kiss and cuddle and have sex and hold hands. Its like an amazing relationship and for awhile I was okay with not having a title to it. But now that i've told him something about it he says "I dont want to ruin what we have". I cant help but feel hurt about this. just last night i called him "baby" and he told me "you're not my girlfriend". Should I just act like an actual friend now? or am I rushing things? Any advice would help me right now.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 June 2016):
 OH Sweetie... if you are 16-17 and in college you must have graduated pretty early. Sometimes those folks with "book smarts" don't have the street smarts... that's what's going on here.
He does not love you.
he likes you.
he likes you enough to sleep with you but not commit to you.
The red hot second a girl he really likes comes along you will be HISTORY and posting here asking why your friend does NOT take your calls/texts/emails and "what did I do wrong???"
Here's my take on it.
You want to know where you stand with him. You want to know how he feels about you and you HOPE he feels the SAME way about you that you feel about him. HE does not.
So I suggest a two week experiment and then you update us and we can go from there.
For two weeks you do not initiate contact. At all. NO texts NO calls, no emails, no tweets, no pokes...NOTHING...
IF he contacts you, be pleasant. Be nice. BE busy.
DO not ask to see him. IF he asks to see you and it's not the same day and you are free and you want to see him (IN PUBLIC) go for it.
DO Not go to his home or have him in yours.
NO physical contact.
NO "I miss you"
keep track of things and see what happens.
If you need more advice after two weeks let me know. I bet you won't hear much from him....
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2016):
 Honey, you have just learned a tough lesson. Having sex with a guy doesn't equal being in a relationship.
What you "have" right now with this one is FWB, and HE wants nothing more - the "excuse" he used was he doesn't want to change things between you... even though they have SEVERAL times already. And that is why I call it an "excuse".
STOP with the sex, stop with the holding hands and kissing - STOP with all the things you WOULDN'T do with someone who is JUST a friend.
Right now he gets both the intimacy, the cuddles etc. that belongs "in" a relationship OR in an AGREED upon FWB - but he also can claim to be single, he has no real commitment with you as well. Friends aren't "committed" to each other to the same degree as couples are - though... sometimes friendships are stronger bonds than relationship, however that is an entirely different matter NOT pertaining to YOUR "whatever it is" with him.
HE DOESN'T want to date you, but he likes to keep you around to warm his bed.
Sorry.
If you want to NOT be a rebound, then don't have sex with a guy who IS NOT your BF.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 You should stop at once,like yesterday, having sex and cuddles and whatnot with this guy. He says you are not his girlfriend- so don't do with him things that pertain to a girlfriend.
Of course there are other girls you can have repeatedly sex with, without an official GF title : they are called friends with benefits.
But both parties need to agree, while apparently you do not particularly aspire to be his FWB . Then... don't be it. Very simple.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 June 2016):
You should never give yourself to any man unless he gives you what your heart needs.
This guy just wants sex without commitment. You are not a sex doll. You have feelings, and need those feelings addressed. Sex is not some kind of cafeteria food you go and pick up when you are hungry.
Drop this one...he is using you as a rebound, and has no plans for a future with you.
You know you are worth more than this. Do not get used.
Tell him thank you for the experience. Now you know what kind of guy you DON'T what in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): He's been using you mostly for sex. He's doing the cutsie things to let ppl think you're together so a. You're reminded not to approach guys b. Remind guys not to approach you c. Keep you willing to pay for cutsie with sex.
Next time he puts his arm on you, goes to kiss you, tries sexual anything, move away and say " you're not my boyfriend " if anyone asks, tell them, "I thought like everyone else that he was my boyfriend too until he told me otherwise" you don't have to go into details or call him names. His actions will speak more volumes of his character than anything else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): I thought dating and girfriend are two different things.
He means, you guys are sleeping together, and all effectionate with each other, thats true, but you are not a couple. If he told you that you are not his girlfriend, you better believe him, ANd now its up to you, whats next.
If you are hurt by him not considering you his grifriend and dont want to continue, then just dont see him anymore. But if you are ok with having a bit of fun, great sex and nothing more than play a little, enjoy while it lasts.
But thats me talking, a grown woman, who does not care either way as long as its fun and exciting.
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